Throughout this entire thing I have tried to treat Scarlett in as fair a manner as I possibly could. Not because I hoped for any reciprocal effort on her part but simply because I have to look at myself in the mirror and I want to be able to say that I did all I could, all that I was obligated to do and in fact went above and beyond.
It's unimportant whether or not Scarlett takes note and equally unimportant if I get any kudos from her for my efforts. I do what I do in this awful situation (there simply is no other way to describe it) for me and my well being. At the end of this, I have to live with myself.
As regards Scarlett, she has her own free agency as we all do and I will not (or at least will try not to) judge her for exercising her right of action in ways that may be detrimental to her/me/us. Just as I have to live with myself, so must she live with herself.
Now, that's not to say that I don't take exception to some of what she thinks, says and does. I find some of that hurtful, some deceptive (towards me but also towards herself), some ludicrous, hilarious (in a sad way) but mostly maddening. Scarlett is an adult yet her thinking in many areas, her expectations as well, are more those of a child. How can you get mad at a child for not fully grasping and understanding adult concepts?
And maybe that's where my head has been these past few days. I know the work ahead of us is not going to be easy. I know that it will require give and take, compromise and negotiation. I also know Scarlett. My fear is that she will come to the table with a list of demands, ideas and fears not fully grounded in reality and expect me to accede to these demands and/or accept her version of reality.
Her attorney will likely be of little help simply because if he is not saying what she wants to hear than she will accuse him of not being on her side. My attorney is suspect in her mind from the get go. That leaves me. Do I wind up in a position in which I am negotiating with myself against myself? Quite possibly so.
Yet the truth, or at least my truth, is that someone needs to be Scarlett's advocate in a way that she will accept. Am I taking on too much? Am I taking responsibility for something that is really not my responsibility? I keep going back to the child that inhabits that adult body.
I don't know. The sheer exhaustion that my mind and body feel right now tells me this needs to be over and done soon. Fitful sleep and days filled with worry, concern and angst are taking their toll.
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