Another coffee break

Well if I've learned anything so far during this trial and tribulation it's that divorce, like old age, is not for pussies.  At least a divorce involving a cluster b personality.

Had another coffee break with the good doctor this evening and we spoke of Christ hanging on a cross, saviour complexes, self-esteem issues, rescuing and the need to do something good for your own self once in awhile.

He has me pegged as the type that likes to and wants to help people.  I know a few that would dispute that opinion vehemently but on balance I don't believe he is too far wrong.  Now, that's not something I would usually associate with being a character flaw but when taken to extremes....well, as the good book says, moderation in all things.

I don't want to keep beating a dying horse but when you find yourself coupled to a child who is actually an adult, that help, assistance, caring and concern just seems to come naturally.  And the more you engage in it, the more it becomes expected.  And the less appreciation you receive for your efforts.  Until it reaches a point where you have to ask yourself why are you doing this?

I believe there are a lot of different answers to that question, some perfectly reasonable, some not so.  In my case much of it was done to protect what I had or to at least minimize the potential damage that an otherwise hand's off approach may have resulted in.  I am told that that is not always the healthiest of courses but sometimes what sounds well, good and reasonable in one setting isn't such in the real world.  That's not a rationalization, merely an observation.

The problem all this leads to though is that a divorce, done properly, is a complete separation of the individuals involved.  And when I say done properly, I'm really saying in theory.  We do not live in a perfect world and we are not perfect individuals living perfect lives.  If we were, divorce would be an alien concept.  In some marriages gone south you have kids involved.  Others, you have pets.  Still others, who knows?  Friends?  Vacation spots, whatever.  My point being that as much as we might like to completely separate ourselves from our former spouse, that will not always be immediately possible.  With luck and the passage of time (to allow kids to grow up, pets (sadly) to pass on) the former ties you had become weaker and weaker.

Or, as I was told by someone the other day, anger trumps grief.  There will be some amount of grieving post-divorce, whether for the other person, over the circumstance, a feeling that somehow you "lost" or a feeling that you wasted so many years before your eyes were opened.  And that's where the anger comes in handy.  It's hard to feel sorrow over something that you're pissed as hell at!

So is there any real salient point here?  I have no idea.  I know the course I am on is the correct one though some days that doesn't make it easy.  Truth is, as much as I know that both Scarlett and I will be much happier apart and living our lives as we want to, not how the other would wish, it still hurts.  The parent in me wishes to make it all better but the adult in me says no.  I need to listen to the adult side more and find a different way to soothe the parent side.  At least that's what the good doctor intoned tonight.

His parting words were to do something I enjoy.  Go buy something for yourself maybe.

Yeah, he doesn't know me as well as he thinks....but if it's doctor's orders I'm thinking this might help =)