DC Comics #58

Well, that was nice while it lasted.  Spent a week at my home on Fog Beach with Salty Dog while Scarlett was 3,000 miles away.  But all good things must come to an end eventually and that did this past Monday.

Word on the street has it that Scarlett is lining up potential suitors as well as investigating a move to the locale she just returned from.  I've seen both these movies but I'm always up for a different ending.

Truth be told, as I remove my hat of sarcasm, my biggest and dearest wish for her is to find happiness.  Not the elusive kind that comes and goes with the latest purchase, the latest meal, the current fun, but the lasting variety.  The type you wake up with everyday.  The one that makes it a pleasure to get out of bed and meet the day head on.  Genuinely smile at those you meet, cease dwelling on the nagging doubts in your own head and enjoy your life.

I've known Scarlett for a few decades now and realized after not too many of those years that she can fake it pretty good.  But not for very long.  Spent an inordinate amount of my time (and therefore life) trying, in one way or another, to help her achieve that.  She would dispute that some days but I believe deep down she knows I truly had her best interests at heart.  Still do, which some days surprises me given what I've had to deal with during this ordeal.

The good doctor, the one with my Kona coffee, labels this as self defeating/self sabotaging/masochistic behavior.  His theory/opinion is that her dysfunction, seeming helplessness et.al. fulfills a need in me.  He has likened it to my putting on a Superman cape and riding to the rescue.

I can't say that I disagree and I am cognizant of his first and foremost duty to assist me in coming to terms with the various dynamics inside of me but, that said, I think the head shrink profession is at times too focused on the individual and fails to see the forest for the trees.  As a good friend is fond of saying (and I'm stealing this forevermore) sometimes you have to step away from the campfire to see the whole picture.

What I mean here is that the act of helping someone in need does not necessarily mean that you yourself suffer from some sort mental malady yourself.  Engaging in an act of kindness, practicing self sacrifice, helping those less fortunate, is not, in my opinion some character flaw.  Can it be taken to an extreme?  Certainly.  Should you first look out for yourself and then others?  As a general rule I would say yes.

But where do you draw the line?  Hard to say I think.  And, I imagine that line is going to be placed in different positions by different people depending on not only their own particular circumstances but also those of whom they are trying to help.

Have I taken my help to Scarlett to an extreme?  Many if not most have told me YES.  To a large extent I agree.  Does that now mean I cut her off entirely?  Make her go cold turkey as it were?  Uh, no.  It does mean I need to start tapering off and I have.  And that has not been the easiest thing to do.

I think I need to retire to the Fortress of Solitude and contemplate with  Jor-El.

This and that

Scarlett leaves in a couple of days to go visit a daughter and family 3,000 miles away.  She'll be gone for a week.  Myself, I will be taking up temporary residence in my house for that week.  I think her continued absence from the house lately has had some ill effects on Salty dog.  Earlier this year or maybe it was late last year, you know, the days all just run together at times.....he blew his coat.  Well, that's starting up again.  So my main project while I'm there is to give him the loving attention he seems to be anxious for.  Told him today (he's smarter than you think) that he and I were going to have some good times next week.  Eat some good food off the bbq, spend time out in the backyard making that look a bit more presentable (plus a lot of play), watch some good movies and go on some car rides.  I think he liked those ideas based on all the tail wagging I saw!

The good doctor weighed in this past week on the need for boundaries with Scarlett.   Again.  I'm not dense and I do *get it* but this is just one of those areas where I take baby steps.  I know Scarlett well enough that if I were to erect a full blown boundary wall that she would see that as a call to battle.  Something I really do not need to deal and contend with right now.  So the best I can do is to put up a few fence posts here and there, add in some cross members, maybe a strand or two of barb wire here and there and see what happens.  Not what the purists in this line of business seem to have in mind, but as I've discovered here, what sounds good is not necessarily what works out in the real world.

Take what you can, when you can and be happy for it.  At least that's my working theory.

Truth be told, it's been a depressing couple of weeks.  Why, I can't quite seem to put my finger on.  Is it due to the approaching mediation (that still has no date set)?  Might be.  Because I still worry about how Scarlett is going to handle herself when she's on her own?  Yeah, that's a concern whether it should be or not.

What I do know is that in the past week Scarlett has had more than her fair share of rejection.  Try as I might I just can't find any glee in that.  I sympathize with her, to a degree I also empathize but I also know that most of this has to do with her shooting off her mouth or trying to show off and having it fall flat.  I feel bad for her but at the same time have to corral what I would normally do or say.  Mixed messages and all that.

Strikes me again how easier this entire process would be were I dealing with someone who at heart wasn't a child.  And that too is why I hold my tongue quite a bit.  No point in chastising a child for doing something they cannot yet grasp the full implications of.  Better to take them aside and try and explain in terms they will understand why what happened to them happened.

Sounds good and I've tried that as well in the deep dark past.  Then I hear how she isn't stupid.  Don't treat me like a child.  How dumb do you think I am?  It wasn't me, it was them.  It's not my fault they blah blah blah.....and on and on it would go.

No Scarlett, you are not stupid.  But if that's true, then what I've seen and heard you do at times means that you are behaving thus with full knowledge of your actions.  Reminds me of an altercation I got into years and years ago.  Dumb jackass made a really botched attempt at parking his car and almost took mine out in the process.  When he finally got out of his car I asked him if he was drunk.  I get a weird look and his response, rather indignantly was that he was sober.  All I could say at that point was you drive that way sober?

A church story

So there's this woman I know who generally has a very high opinion of herself.  Goes to church, bible study, volunteers at her church, reads her bible, prays, helps those less fortunate than she - all very good and noble things.  I would go so far as to say that on paper, if her accomplishments, community involvements, volunteer activities were listed, that most anyone who read it would be quite impressed.

Well, due to factors completely unrelated to any of the above, this same woman finds herself in the midst of a divorce.  Given that 50% or so of first marriages end that way, this is not all that surprising.  But, this happens to be her second marriage.  And the chance of success for those marriages drops from 50% to about 35%.  So even less surprising.

Being the go-getter that she is, she decided sometime ago to get hubby #3 lined up.  Not a bad idea on her part because rumor has it that she deals with life far better when someone else is taking care of the details and leaving her to do what she will, when she will, how she will and why she will.  As they say, nice job if you can get it.

So being close to God as she is (or believes herself to be), she enlisted the Almighty's aid and assistance in this endeavor.  And she would tell you that He in fact spoke to her.  Not once or twice, but on a number of occasions concerning this matter of the heart.  Far be it from me to imply that He does not speak to us, personally I believe He does.  Though not necessarily in spoken form.  But that's me.

In any event, she claims to have heard, directly from Him, that a certain somebody at the church she attends is meant for her.  As luck would have it, this is also someone that she happens to be attracted to.  What are the odds?  Truly the Lord works in mysterious ways.  I mean of all the people He could possibly choose for you, imagine your good luck and fortune to have that also be someone you yourself find appealing.  I mean it's almost like you convinced yourself , you were engaging in a self fulfilling prophecy,  you weren't listening to God but yourself, this was ordained of God.

So, girded up with the armor of amore, what does this woman do?  Well, she first chides him on his lack of good looks (always a good opening line to get someone interested...) and then continues that line of thought with a comment about how no one would find what he has to say on Facebook as interesting.  Yep, she is going in for the kill.  A few weeks later, after yet another conversation with Father in Heaven, she decides to set the hook.  So while at a function that they both participate in that helps feed and clothe those down on their luck, she strikes.  Goes right for the jugular.  "Hey" she says to him, "would you like to get a cup of coffee with me?"  Poor guy apparently didn't know what hit him.  "With you?" he said.  "Yes with me" she replied.  His response was.......wait for it........No thank you.  "Why not?" was her plaintive plea.  "Because" he said, "I think you're a woman on the make here."

That response probably would've had more of an impact had she known what *on the make* meant.  But she knew enough that she knew whatever it meant it wasn't good.  So being the lady that she is, she politely "took him down a notch or two" and said something to the effect of how she wasn't on the make, and if she were it would only be for one night.  At a church.  In front of people she knows.  To someone she is attracted to.

I suppose it's probably just me, but when I heard this story I cringed for her.  Maybe it was something in the way I was brought up, or perhaps I missed that day at school, but I never thought it wise to insult or belittle them to whom you seek companionship with.

Be that as it may, this story doesn't quite end there.  As I mentioned, this particular woman is absolutely convinced that God has spoken to her and that this particular gentlemen is and was created (or recreated) for her and her alone.  In her words she is *stumped* at this man's reaction to her.  But then who's to say.  It could be that God hasn't gotten around to speaking to him yet, never did speak to her, is rethinking this whole thing, is jerking her chain, oh never mind.

 

Too many root canals

Had lunch yesterday with an old friend I hadn't seen in awhile.  He was somewhat aware of my situation but lacking most of the details, and I was vaguely aware of his but also lacking in details.  So we spent almost 3 hours over some good food getting one another up to speed.

I was glad to see this guy but also a little leery because he's known Scarlett for 10+ years more than I have.  Plus, he had been divorced from his wife, who was a friend of Scarlett's but had recently remarried her.  Neither of them have seen Scarlett or myself in 5 years or more for reasons unimportant here.

So, I didn't really know what to expect once the conversation veered into the catching up phase.  As it turned out, this was a conversation I probably should have had months and months ago.

Long story short, listening to my buddy tell me about Scarlett, what he had observed over the years, how he saw me react to her, the things he heard her say to me and others was like listening to myself.  I didn't need to provide explanations or background for him.  He knew.  In fact, as I discovered, he knew long before I did.  So why didn't he warn me years ago?  Well, I only met him through Scarlett after we were married.  At that point he thought it better to keep his thoughts to himself.

Now, his wife and Scarlett have a number of similarities, sadly for both of us, none of them good.  He can see and told me in great detail about Scarlett's selfishness, self absorption, hypocritical attitudes and behaviors etc.  And the woman he recently remarried has all these "qualities" as well, plus a substance abuse problem.   So where was this conversation headed?  I almost expected him to counsel me to follow his footsteps and reunite with Scarlett.  Instead, much to my relief he compared her to a bad tooth.  Told me that I'd gone through far too many root canals and it was time to just get rid of it.

No matter how convinced you are about the path you're on or about to take, there's nothing like another person, that you know and trust, who's also been there and knows the players involved, telling you that you made the right decision and giving you reasons for it that you weren't even aware of.

Another coffee break

Well if I've learned anything so far during this trial and tribulation it's that divorce, like old age, is not for pussies.  At least a divorce involving a cluster b personality.

Had another coffee break with the good doctor this evening and we spoke of Christ hanging on a cross, saviour complexes, self-esteem issues, rescuing and the need to do something good for your own self once in awhile.

He has me pegged as the type that likes to and wants to help people.  I know a few that would dispute that opinion vehemently but on balance I don't believe he is too far wrong.  Now, that's not something I would usually associate with being a character flaw but when taken to extremes....well, as the good book says, moderation in all things.

I don't want to keep beating a dying horse but when you find yourself coupled to a child who is actually an adult, that help, assistance, caring and concern just seems to come naturally.  And the more you engage in it, the more it becomes expected.  And the less appreciation you receive for your efforts.  Until it reaches a point where you have to ask yourself why are you doing this?

I believe there are a lot of different answers to that question, some perfectly reasonable, some not so.  In my case much of it was done to protect what I had or to at least minimize the potential damage that an otherwise hand's off approach may have resulted in.  I am told that that is not always the healthiest of courses but sometimes what sounds well, good and reasonable in one setting isn't such in the real world.  That's not a rationalization, merely an observation.

The problem all this leads to though is that a divorce, done properly, is a complete separation of the individuals involved.  And when I say done properly, I'm really saying in theory.  We do not live in a perfect world and we are not perfect individuals living perfect lives.  If we were, divorce would be an alien concept.  In some marriages gone south you have kids involved.  Others, you have pets.  Still others, who knows?  Friends?  Vacation spots, whatever.  My point being that as much as we might like to completely separate ourselves from our former spouse, that will not always be immediately possible.  With luck and the passage of time (to allow kids to grow up, pets (sadly) to pass on) the former ties you had become weaker and weaker.

Or, as I was told by someone the other day, anger trumps grief.  There will be some amount of grieving post-divorce, whether for the other person, over the circumstance, a feeling that somehow you "lost" or a feeling that you wasted so many years before your eyes were opened.  And that's where the anger comes in handy.  It's hard to feel sorrow over something that you're pissed as hell at!

So is there any real salient point here?  I have no idea.  I know the course I am on is the correct one though some days that doesn't make it easy.  Truth is, as much as I know that both Scarlett and I will be much happier apart and living our lives as we want to, not how the other would wish, it still hurts.  The parent in me wishes to make it all better but the adult in me says no.  I need to listen to the adult side more and find a different way to soothe the parent side.  At least that's what the good doctor intoned tonight.

His parting words were to do something I enjoy.  Go buy something for yourself maybe.

Yeah, he doesn't know me as well as he thinks....but if it's doctor's orders I'm thinking this might help =)

  

Thoughts on Mediation

Mediation draws closer though still no definite date that I know of yet.

Throughout this entire thing I have tried to treat Scarlett in as fair a manner as I possibly could.  Not because I hoped for any reciprocal effort on her part but simply because I have to look at myself in the mirror and I want to be able to say that I did all I could, all that I was obligated to do and in fact went above and beyond.

It's unimportant whether or not Scarlett takes note and equally unimportant if I get any kudos from her for my efforts.  I do what I do in this awful situation (there simply is no other way to describe it) for me and my well being.  At the end of this, I have to live with myself.

As regards Scarlett, she has her own free agency as we all do and I will not (or at least will try not to) judge her for exercising her right of action in ways that may be detrimental to her/me/us.  Just as I have to live with myself, so must she live with herself.

Now, that's not to say that I don't take exception to some of what she thinks, says and does.  I find some of that hurtful, some deceptive (towards me but also towards herself), some ludicrous, hilarious (in a sad way) but mostly maddening.  Scarlett is an adult yet her thinking in many areas, her expectations as well, are more those of a child.  How can you get mad at a child for not fully grasping and understanding adult concepts?

And maybe that's where my head has been these past few days.  I know the work ahead of us is not going to be easy.  I know that it will require give and take, compromise and negotiation.  I also know Scarlett.  My fear is that she will come to the table with a list of demands, ideas and fears not fully grounded in reality and expect me to accede to these demands and/or accept her version of reality.

Her attorney will likely be of little help simply because if he is not saying what she wants to hear than she will accuse him of not being on her side.  My attorney is suspect in her mind from the get go.  That leaves me.  Do I wind up in a position in which I am negotiating with myself against myself?  Quite possibly so.

Yet the truth, or at least my truth, is that someone needs to be Scarlett's advocate in a way that she will accept.  Am I taking on too much?  Am I taking responsibility for something that is really not my responsibility?  I keep going back to the child that inhabits that adult body.

I don't know.  The sheer exhaustion that my mind and body feel right now tells me this needs to be over and done soon.  Fitful sleep and days filled with worry, concern and angst are taking their toll.

 

Dante

YOU OWE ME AN APOLOGY!!!

If I had a dollar for each time I've heard that phrase from Scarlett I'd have me a nice little fully paid for rental cottage within easy walking distance of the ocean.

What is it with the PD's that they seem to think they're owed apologies for what they perceive as any type of slight?  Put aside for now whether one in fact occurred or not.  Most of the time what's taken as an insult or a put down or some such is nothing even close.

Scarlett and I have had our share (and probably the share of a few others---whoever you are you're welcome) of disagreements and arguments over the years.  You put two people together long enough and that is going to happen.  Human nature.

I'm more interested though in the *whys* behind, or that frame, the disagreement/argument.  Is it just a basic difference in values?  A difference of opinions which both sides can support with evidence?  Or is it emotional?  A lack of fundamental understanding?  Ignorance?  Or just a temper tantrum because somebody isn't going to get their way but feel entitled to nevertheless?

I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I'm of the opinion that two adults can have a disagreement, discuss their differences and maybe at the end of it just agree to disagree.  No apologies get demanded, neither one is told they should feel sorry for what they said (or didn't say) and life goes on.

Not always the case with a PD individual or a child.  But when the PD is acting like a child.....the inscription that Dante saw as he passed through the gates of hell comes to mind: Abandon all hope ye who enter here.

Yet, I didn't abandon hope even when history suggested I should.  In fact, that was probably  my constant companion throughout my journey with Scarlett.  The hope that one day she'd *get it*.  The hope that understanding would come.  The hope that the good words and thoughts she likes to mouth would one day be more than just words.  The hope that she would see that I am not the jerk (realist?) that husband #1 was.  The hope that she would see that the traits she abhors in others are also resident in her.  The hope that she would really try and improve.

And I still have that hope for her.  I imagine I always will.  Not in my nature, though maybe it should be, to kick someone to the curb and say too bad, I tried, you lose.  Life would probably be easier in a lot of ways if I could do that.  But.....as Popeye said, I yam what I yam.

So, circling back to the beginning here, have I apologized?  Hell no.  I've decided to only do that and to say I'm sorry when I am truly in the wrong.  I'm done with offering up apologies just to appease and try and get back to "normal".  That's a good short term fix with bad long term consequences.  Besides, it's highly doubtful that Scarlett will meet someone else ready with a quick unneeded apology so it's time she learned this as well.