WHY DO PEOPLE WITH BPD ACT THE WAY THEY DO?
People with BPD and NPD have definite social/emotional deficits. Their low levels of empathy make it hard for them to understand how other people feel, so they just assume your feelings are exactly like their feelings. Research on empathy shows that it is both an inherited capacity and a learned behavior. People with BP/NP have some empathy, but it's typically low. They don't comprehend your feelings and they misread your facial and body language cues. So they constantly come up with the wrong assumption.
The emotional reactivity in people with BPD is extremely sensitive and intense, so they respond to situations with extreme and instantaneous emotions, which are usually inappropriate for the situation.
They cover these social mistakes by blaming others. For example, "You made me angry." And they try to feel more in control of what they are experiencing by making everyone close to them do, say, and respond in very stilted and exact ways.
These things all seem to be related to their brain functioning.
That being said, people with BP/NP get continuously reinforced for their behavior. Their stubbornness and over the top anger get people to back off and give them what they want. So their behaviors work for them.
The mistake that most everyone makes with them is assuming that if you can just explain your feelings, or in some way show the BP/NP how upset you are, that they will understand and change. With their empathy limitations, they really can't comprehend how you feel. They are aware you're upset, but they simply think you are having the wrong reaction.
Only negative reinforcement works. That is, you have to take away your attention and energy from any negative interaction. Walk away. Stop letting their tantrums emotionally affect you. And never buy into their accusations that you CAUSED them to feel how they're feeling. It is the same process you would teach small children and pets how to behave.
BEING STRUNG ALONG
When you're married to a person with borderline or narcissistic traits, you often end up feeling strung along--often for years--with promises and the hope of change. After an emotional uproar, your partner will seem truly contrite and promise: "I'll change. I'll do better. That was last week, I've really improved. You know I'm trying."
Their behaviors may change for awhile, but then seemingly out of the blue, you again get blamed and attacked--"I wouldn't have done that if you hadn't been rude first. Well, you do it too. I'm never good enough for you. Why are you always so negative?"
People with BP/NP traits want to stay in a relationship, but they are significantly challenged in their ability to change, see your point of view, or understand your feelings. They go through the motions, and they make a lot of excuses for their offensive behavior, always promising that things will be better--or that things are already better.
You end up feeling strung along hoping for change, growth, insight, and real connection. It always seems just over the horizon. They sometimes do change their negative or hurtful behaviors--for a time--but then inevitably go back to their preferred method of being in the world-self-centered on their own wants and needs.
Remember, promises are not progress.
So, what can you do when you think you're being strung along? First of all, keep actual track of promises, behaviors, and how long you've actually experienced the changed behavior. Mark occurrences on a calendar so you won't be as easily convinced that your observations are wrong.
Figure out for yourself how long you're willing to put up with the relationship if the behavior doesn't change--2 months, 6 months, a year, 5 years, etc. Decide also what you want or need to do if the negative behaviors continue past your tolerance point. What actions are YOU willing to take to deal with the issues?
Threatening and pleading never work in the long run. If your partner isn't changing, there are only two reasons--s/he won't or can't change. Which implies a lack of motivation or a lack of ability. Either way, you can't force it to happen.
Instead, focus on what you want. Figure out what you're actually getting from the relationship, and then ask yourself, "What can I do about it, and what choices do I have?" Start taking action to make your own life and your children's lives better. Waiting for decades for your partner to change, only makes your life more frustrating and unsatisfied.
Source: Margalis Fjesltad, Ph.D., LMFT
margalistherapy.com
OMG is all I can say.....
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