The Monster Of All Monsters

I am an infrequent contributor but full time lurker on a few websites, chat rooms and groups that all share a commonality in how to deal with and/or extricate yourself from someone suffering with a cluster B personality disorder.

One post I saw today, that I will not give any attribution for (to maintain the poster's anonymity) was this:

 "... but now as her life spirals out of control with debt, horrendous decisions, and her relationship with our three young kids who live full-time with me, seriously damaged, she insists she is normal. I say to myself for the kids sake, get some help. I have also said it to her but not with much frequency anymore realizing she already feels bad enough without me repeatedly hitting her over the head to seek treatment. Once thought rock bottom would be the motivating factor - but not sure where the bottom is or if she will ever seek to better her life and trade misery for happiness. BPD is the monster of all monsters."

That post hit home like none over the past almost two years have.  What really struck me was his statement concerning "get help" but not wanting to hit her over the head with it.  I can identify with his feelings because I've been in the same quandary.  There are times when Scarlett, I can tell, could really use some help but to say that to her then would be tantamount to just piling on.  Which is a penalty in football and should be in life as well.

Coupled with this are some well meaning friends who admittedly have only my best interests at heart (God love them) but seem to believe that Scarlett justs needs the truth pointed out to her and she will be well on her way to healing.  While I appreciate the concern and the advice that is meant as helpful, I can say from experience that until you've lived it you really don't get it.

Borderline Personality Disorder, as the gentleman above so succinctly states, "is the monster of all monsters."

It can destroy not only those who suffer from it, but those close to the sufferers as well.  Being in that latter category then tends to set up a moral dilemma of sorts.  Should you distance yourself from the BPD to "save" yourself and let them flounder on their own?  That seems to be the advice.  Turn it around a little though and remove BPD and perhaps insert pain.  Should you distance yourself from someone who suffers from pain or should you try and help them?

There is no right and correct answer or path here, at least as best as I can determine.  Yes we need to take care of ourselves, though I hesitate to say first and foremost because there is always the element of self sacrifice, which is deemed a good, high and noble thing.  But if sacrificing yourself will not result in any better outcome, then why do it?  The picture of a soldier covering a grenade with his body, when he is all alone, comes to mind.  What's the point there other than a form of suicide?  Suicidal tendencies or ideation are rightfully frowned upon.  And have been known to be a one-way ticket to a padded room somewhere.

So, we need to help those in need without unduly sacrificing ourselves in the process.  What does that look like?  I think it looks like being there and available for the BPD but not so much that they depend fully on you.  To a very large degree, these people are adult children.  They should be treated as adults but at times consoled and cared for as you would a child.

It also strikes me that in a very large way they are handicapped or whatever the current term de-jour these days happens to be.  Telling them to straighten up and fly right makes as much sense as berating a double arm amputee for not shaking your hand.  There are just some things neither of them are capable of doing.  The amputee's disability is just more noticeable but the BPD's is no less more disabling.

Compassion here has to play a part.  But how much compassion, and how big a part?  I suspect that answer is different for everyone touched by this monster and something we will only determine for ourselves by trial and error.