So. Salty and Scarlett are still wedded but depending on the court system, that should be ending in the next few weeks. There have been a number of things in this unwinding that I've been told are rare and uncommon. Those primarily concern my forbearance as regards Scarlett and some of her acting out. And the rare and uncommon will likely continue for some unknown period of time.
Scarlett is wholly unprepared for what I know lies ahead of her. And sometimes I am forced to wonder if she will ever be able to fully function as a reasonable and rational individual. In light of that, I cannot in good conscience leave her to her own devices. I can not and will not be there 24/7 to save her from herself, she has a lot of her own mistakes yet to make (and hopefully learn from) and I am not going to deprive her of those experiences. I realize that sounds a bit snarky but that is not at all how it is meant.
I will be available to her to provide advice and counsel (when asked) as well as to provide my opinions, also only when asked.
Training wheels come to mind here.
For most of her life, Scarlett has been riding around on a tricycle. That tricycle is gone and she needs to move up to a two wheeler. And just like the rest of us, that requires the use of training wheels while she develops her sense of balance, learns how to turn, steer and brake.
Normally I like projects. This one though....might be fun. If she will listen, learn and apply. Past experience does not fill me with a whole lot of hope in that regard but for the time being it is what it is.
Sunday, February 25, 2018
Thursday, February 15, 2018
Tunnels And Lights
I believe my sojourn in the land of dysfunction is nearing its end. As always with a few caveats.
Scarlett and I, with our respective legal beagles, all met this past Tuesday to continue the mediation we had begun back in January. As a quick recap, we'd left that meeting mostlyin agreement somewhat in agreement agreeing to meet again and my promising to take the blame for everything wrong in her life fund the remainder of her life stay out of her life try and tighten up what she could reasonably expect as monthly income.
As usual, there were a number of twists and turns from that meeting to the one on Tuesday. My side had put on the table an offer of a lump sum alimony payment. Initially, Scarlett was not too inclined to accept this. Then she was. Then she wasn't. Then, yeah, that sounded like a good idea. Oh wait, not so much. I wasn't sure where we stood come Tuesday. But, that's a position I've gotten real used to occupying over the past few decades...
This will sound like a slam on Scarlett though I truly don't mean it as such. Over the years she has driven me up countless walls with her innate ability to misconstrue, misunderstand, not see the point entirely and generally act like the village idiot when the subject turns to finances. Sadly for her (and her poor attorney) that's what 98% of a divorce is about. And when you don't understand 98% of a subject you're like the guy showing up to a gunfight with a knife.
Well, she was well armed with her knives. And Kleenex. Which reminds me I need to do some due diligence on Kimberly Clarke. At the rate Scarlett goes through Kleenex she could keep that company profitable for years. But I digress.
Her knives did her no good. The Kleenex on the other hand I must admit did. We were in separate rooms but I could hear the crying, wailing and sobbing. Even though I pretty much knew it was likely an act to garner sympathy I still fell for it. A little bit. She wanted a little more $$ for various things and thankfully my attorney and I had built in some slop in the initial offer made to her. So I had room to play with.
Without going into all the gory details, at the end of this Scarlett was in good spirits. Her attorney did me a huge favor, which I believe he did with full intent and purpose. She'd asked him how does Salty look towards the end of these negotiations. He responded that he (I) did not look too happy. Nothing could have been further from the truth and he knew that. Thankfully he also knew Scarlett. Knew what she wanted to hear. And she was floating on air. She "got" that SOB. She was the one who came out on top. She showed Salty who was boss, who was the top negotiator. Yep, she got me good.
And that is a thought I will happily allow her to take to her grave.
So where does all this stand now?
Preliminary documents have been signed and are on their way to a judge for his/her blessing. Then there will be an exchange of property and additional documents between Scarlett and I. Scarlett has already started the process to acquire a condo she's had her eye on. Furniture and furnishings need to be divided up. A trust needs to be killed, assets retitled, etc. etc. As the saying goes, it's not done until the paperwork is complete.
This isn't done yet but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel and I don't believe it's an oncoming train.
Scarlett and I, with our respective legal beagles, all met this past Tuesday to continue the mediation we had begun back in January. As a quick recap, we'd left that meeting mostly
As usual, there were a number of twists and turns from that meeting to the one on Tuesday. My side had put on the table an offer of a lump sum alimony payment. Initially, Scarlett was not too inclined to accept this. Then she was. Then she wasn't. Then, yeah, that sounded like a good idea. Oh wait, not so much. I wasn't sure where we stood come Tuesday. But, that's a position I've gotten real used to occupying over the past few decades...
This will sound like a slam on Scarlett though I truly don't mean it as such. Over the years she has driven me up countless walls with her innate ability to misconstrue, misunderstand, not see the point entirely and generally act like the village idiot when the subject turns to finances. Sadly for her (and her poor attorney) that's what 98% of a divorce is about. And when you don't understand 98% of a subject you're like the guy showing up to a gunfight with a knife.
Well, she was well armed with her knives. And Kleenex. Which reminds me I need to do some due diligence on Kimberly Clarke. At the rate Scarlett goes through Kleenex she could keep that company profitable for years. But I digress.
Her knives did her no good. The Kleenex on the other hand I must admit did. We were in separate rooms but I could hear the crying, wailing and sobbing. Even though I pretty much knew it was likely an act to garner sympathy I still fell for it. A little bit. She wanted a little more $$ for various things and thankfully my attorney and I had built in some slop in the initial offer made to her. So I had room to play with.
Without going into all the gory details, at the end of this Scarlett was in good spirits. Her attorney did me a huge favor, which I believe he did with full intent and purpose. She'd asked him how does Salty look towards the end of these negotiations. He responded that he (I) did not look too happy. Nothing could have been further from the truth and he knew that. Thankfully he also knew Scarlett. Knew what she wanted to hear. And she was floating on air. She "got" that SOB. She was the one who came out on top. She showed Salty who was boss, who was the top negotiator. Yep, she got me good.
And that is a thought I will happily allow her to take to her grave.
So where does all this stand now?
Preliminary documents have been signed and are on their way to a judge for his/her blessing. Then there will be an exchange of property and additional documents between Scarlett and I. Scarlett has already started the process to acquire a condo she's had her eye on. Furniture and furnishings need to be divided up. A trust needs to be killed, assets retitled, etc. etc. As the saying goes, it's not done until the paperwork is complete.
This isn't done yet but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel and I don't believe it's an oncoming train.
Monday, February 5, 2018
The Monster Of All Monsters
I am an infrequent contributor but full time lurker on a few websites, chat rooms and groups that all share a commonality in how to deal with and/or extricate yourself from someone suffering with a cluster B personality disorder.
One post I saw today, that I will not give any attribution for (to maintain the poster's anonymity) was this:
"... but now as her life spirals out of control with debt, horrendous decisions, and her relationship with our three young kids who live full-time with me, seriously damaged, she insists she is normal. I say to myself for the kids sake, get some help. I have also said it to her but not with much frequency anymore realizing she already feels bad enough without me repeatedly hitting her over the head to seek treatment. Once thought rock bottom would be the motivating factor - but not sure where the bottom is or if she will ever seek to better her life and trade misery for happiness. BPD is the monster of all monsters."
That post hit home like none over the past almost two years have. What really struck me was his statement concerning "get help" but not wanting to hit her over the head with it. I can identify with his feelings because I've been in the same quandary. There are times when Scarlett, I can tell, could really use some help but to say that to her then would be tantamount to just piling on. Which is a penalty in football and should be in life as well.
Coupled with this are some well meaning friends who admittedly have only my best interests at heart (God love them) but seem to believe that Scarlett justs needs the truth pointed out to her and she will be well on her way to healing. While I appreciate the concern and the advice that is meant as helpful, I can say from experience that until you've lived it you really don't get it.
Borderline Personality Disorder, as the gentleman above so succinctly states, "is the monster of all monsters."
It can destroy not only those who suffer from it, but those close to the sufferers as well. Being in that latter category then tends to set up a moral dilemma of sorts. Should you distance yourself from the BPD to "save" yourself and let them flounder on their own? That seems to be the advice. Turn it around a little though and remove BPD and perhaps insert pain. Should you distance yourself from someone who suffers from pain or should you try and help them?
There is no right and correct answer or path here, at least as best as I can determine. Yes we need to take care of ourselves, though I hesitate to say first and foremost because there is always the element of self sacrifice, which is deemed a good, high and noble thing. But if sacrificing yourself will not result in any better outcome, then why do it? The picture of a soldier covering a grenade with his body, when he is all alone, comes to mind. What's the point there other than a form of suicide? Suicidal tendencies or ideation are rightfully frowned upon. And have been known to be a one-way ticket to a padded room somewhere.
So, we need to help those in need without unduly sacrificing ourselves in the process. What does that look like? I think it looks like being there and available for the BPD but not so much that they depend fully on you. To a very large degree, these people are adult children. They should be treated as adults but at times consoled and cared for as you would a child.
It also strikes me that in a very large way they are handicapped or whatever the current term de-jour these days happens to be. Telling them to straighten up and fly right makes as much sense as berating a double arm amputee for not shaking your hand. There are just some things neither of them are capable of doing. The amputee's disability is just more noticeable but the BPD's is no less more disabling.
Compassion here has to play a part. But how much compassion, and how big a part? I suspect that answer is different for everyone touched by this monster and something we will only determine for ourselves by trial and error.
One post I saw today, that I will not give any attribution for (to maintain the poster's anonymity) was this:
"... but now as her life spirals out of control with debt, horrendous decisions, and her relationship with our three young kids who live full-time with me, seriously damaged, she insists she is normal. I say to myself for the kids sake, get some help. I have also said it to her but not with much frequency anymore realizing she already feels bad enough without me repeatedly hitting her over the head to seek treatment. Once thought rock bottom would be the motivating factor - but not sure where the bottom is or if she will ever seek to better her life and trade misery for happiness. BPD is the monster of all monsters."
That post hit home like none over the past almost two years have. What really struck me was his statement concerning "get help" but not wanting to hit her over the head with it. I can identify with his feelings because I've been in the same quandary. There are times when Scarlett, I can tell, could really use some help but to say that to her then would be tantamount to just piling on. Which is a penalty in football and should be in life as well.
Coupled with this are some well meaning friends who admittedly have only my best interests at heart (God love them) but seem to believe that Scarlett justs needs the truth pointed out to her and she will be well on her way to healing. While I appreciate the concern and the advice that is meant as helpful, I can say from experience that until you've lived it you really don't get it.
Borderline Personality Disorder, as the gentleman above so succinctly states, "is the monster of all monsters."
It can destroy not only those who suffer from it, but those close to the sufferers as well. Being in that latter category then tends to set up a moral dilemma of sorts. Should you distance yourself from the BPD to "save" yourself and let them flounder on their own? That seems to be the advice. Turn it around a little though and remove BPD and perhaps insert pain. Should you distance yourself from someone who suffers from pain or should you try and help them?
There is no right and correct answer or path here, at least as best as I can determine. Yes we need to take care of ourselves, though I hesitate to say first and foremost because there is always the element of self sacrifice, which is deemed a good, high and noble thing. But if sacrificing yourself will not result in any better outcome, then why do it? The picture of a soldier covering a grenade with his body, when he is all alone, comes to mind. What's the point there other than a form of suicide? Suicidal tendencies or ideation are rightfully frowned upon. And have been known to be a one-way ticket to a padded room somewhere.
So, we need to help those in need without unduly sacrificing ourselves in the process. What does that look like? I think it looks like being there and available for the BPD but not so much that they depend fully on you. To a very large degree, these people are adult children. They should be treated as adults but at times consoled and cared for as you would a child.
It also strikes me that in a very large way they are handicapped or whatever the current term de-jour these days happens to be. Telling them to straighten up and fly right makes as much sense as berating a double arm amputee for not shaking your hand. There are just some things neither of them are capable of doing. The amputee's disability is just more noticeable but the BPD's is no less more disabling.
Compassion here has to play a part. But how much compassion, and how big a part? I suspect that answer is different for everyone touched by this monster and something we will only determine for ourselves by trial and error.
Friday, February 2, 2018
Guest Post
Found this in my inbox this morning and realized I could not say any of this better.
WHY DO PEOPLE WITH BPD ACT THE WAY THEY DO?
People with BPD and NPD have definite social/emotional deficits. Their low levels of empathy make it hard for them to understand how other people feel, so they just assume your feelings are exactly like their feelings. Research on empathy shows that it is both an inherited capacity and a learned behavior. People with BP/NP have some empathy, but it's typically low. They don't comprehend your feelings and they misread your facial and body language cues. So they constantly come up with the wrong assumption.
The emotional reactivity in people with BPD is extremely sensitive and intense, so they respond to situations with extreme and instantaneous emotions, which are usually inappropriate for the situation.
They cover these social mistakes by blaming others. For example, "You made me angry." And they try to feel more in control of what they are experiencing by making everyone close to them do, say, and respond in very stilted and exact ways.
These things all seem to be related to their brain functioning.
That being said, people with BP/NP get continuously reinforced for their behavior. Their stubbornness and over the top anger get people to back off and give them what they want. So their behaviors work for them.
The mistake that most everyone makes with them is assuming that if you can just explain your feelings, or in some way show the BP/NP how upset you are, that they will understand and change. With their empathy limitations, they really can't comprehend how you feel. They are aware you're upset, but they simply think you are having the wrong reaction.
Only negative reinforcement works. That is, you have to take away your attention and energy from any negative interaction. Walk away. Stop letting their tantrums emotionally affect you. And never buy into their accusations that you CAUSED them to feel how they're feeling. It is the same process you would teach small children and pets how to behave.
BEING STRUNG ALONG
When you're married to a person with borderline or narcissistic traits, you often end up feeling strung along--often for years--with promises and the hope of change. After an emotional uproar, your partner will seem truly contrite and promise: "I'll change. I'll do better. That was last week, I've really improved. You know I'm trying."
Their behaviors may change for awhile, but then seemingly out of the blue, you again get blamed and attacked--"I wouldn't have done that if you hadn't been rude first. Well, you do it too. I'm never good enough for you. Why are you always so negative?"
People with BP/NP traits want to stay in a relationship, but they are significantly challenged in their ability to change, see your point of view, or understand your feelings. They go through the motions, and they make a lot of excuses for their offensive behavior, always promising that things will be better--or that things are already better.
You end up feeling strung along hoping for change, growth, insight, and real connection. It always seems just over the horizon. They sometimes do change their negative or hurtful behaviors--for a time--but then inevitably go back to their preferred method of being in the world-self-centered on their own wants and needs.
Remember, promises are not progress.
So, what can you do when you think you're being strung along? First of all, keep actual track of promises, behaviors, and how long you've actually experienced the changed behavior. Mark occurrences on a calendar so you won't be as easily convinced that your observations are wrong.
Figure out for yourself how long you're willing to put up with the relationship if the behavior doesn't change--2 months, 6 months, a year, 5 years, etc. Decide also what you want or need to do if the negative behaviors continue past your tolerance point. What actions are YOU willing to take to deal with the issues?
Threatening and pleading never work in the long run. If your partner isn't changing, there are only two reasons--s/he won't or can't change. Which implies a lack of motivation or a lack of ability. Either way, you can't force it to happen.
Instead, focus on what you want. Figure out what you're actually getting from the relationship, and then ask yourself, "What can I do about it, and what choices do I have?" Start taking action to make your own life and your children's lives better. Waiting for decades for your partner to change, only makes your life more frustrating and unsatisfied.
Source: Margalis Fjesltad, Ph.D., LMFT
margalistherapy.com
WHY DO PEOPLE WITH BPD ACT THE WAY THEY DO?
People with BPD and NPD have definite social/emotional deficits. Their low levels of empathy make it hard for them to understand how other people feel, so they just assume your feelings are exactly like their feelings. Research on empathy shows that it is both an inherited capacity and a learned behavior. People with BP/NP have some empathy, but it's typically low. They don't comprehend your feelings and they misread your facial and body language cues. So they constantly come up with the wrong assumption.
The emotional reactivity in people with BPD is extremely sensitive and intense, so they respond to situations with extreme and instantaneous emotions, which are usually inappropriate for the situation.
They cover these social mistakes by blaming others. For example, "You made me angry." And they try to feel more in control of what they are experiencing by making everyone close to them do, say, and respond in very stilted and exact ways.
These things all seem to be related to their brain functioning.
That being said, people with BP/NP get continuously reinforced for their behavior. Their stubbornness and over the top anger get people to back off and give them what they want. So their behaviors work for them.
The mistake that most everyone makes with them is assuming that if you can just explain your feelings, or in some way show the BP/NP how upset you are, that they will understand and change. With their empathy limitations, they really can't comprehend how you feel. They are aware you're upset, but they simply think you are having the wrong reaction.
Only negative reinforcement works. That is, you have to take away your attention and energy from any negative interaction. Walk away. Stop letting their tantrums emotionally affect you. And never buy into their accusations that you CAUSED them to feel how they're feeling. It is the same process you would teach small children and pets how to behave.
BEING STRUNG ALONG
When you're married to a person with borderline or narcissistic traits, you often end up feeling strung along--often for years--with promises and the hope of change. After an emotional uproar, your partner will seem truly contrite and promise: "I'll change. I'll do better. That was last week, I've really improved. You know I'm trying."
Their behaviors may change for awhile, but then seemingly out of the blue, you again get blamed and attacked--"I wouldn't have done that if you hadn't been rude first. Well, you do it too. I'm never good enough for you. Why are you always so negative?"
People with BP/NP traits want to stay in a relationship, but they are significantly challenged in their ability to change, see your point of view, or understand your feelings. They go through the motions, and they make a lot of excuses for their offensive behavior, always promising that things will be better--or that things are already better.
You end up feeling strung along hoping for change, growth, insight, and real connection. It always seems just over the horizon. They sometimes do change their negative or hurtful behaviors--for a time--but then inevitably go back to their preferred method of being in the world-self-centered on their own wants and needs.
Remember, promises are not progress.
So, what can you do when you think you're being strung along? First of all, keep actual track of promises, behaviors, and how long you've actually experienced the changed behavior. Mark occurrences on a calendar so you won't be as easily convinced that your observations are wrong.
Figure out for yourself how long you're willing to put up with the relationship if the behavior doesn't change--2 months, 6 months, a year, 5 years, etc. Decide also what you want or need to do if the negative behaviors continue past your tolerance point. What actions are YOU willing to take to deal with the issues?
Threatening and pleading never work in the long run. If your partner isn't changing, there are only two reasons--s/he won't or can't change. Which implies a lack of motivation or a lack of ability. Either way, you can't force it to happen.
Instead, focus on what you want. Figure out what you're actually getting from the relationship, and then ask yourself, "What can I do about it, and what choices do I have?" Start taking action to make your own life and your children's lives better. Waiting for decades for your partner to change, only makes your life more frustrating and unsatisfied.
Source: Margalis Fjesltad, Ph.D., LMFT
margalistherapy.com
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