On not being surprised

Went to lunch with Scarlett today.  I wasn't sure what to expect but had a few things in my back pocket that I thought I could bring up if the situation called for it, if an opportunity arose or if she started getting demanding as to how things were going to go etc.

For better or worse I still have all those items in that back pocket of mine.  It really helps to drive home the correctness of your decision when you look back at something like this and realize you are surprised that things went along as smoothly as they did.

Not a bad surprise but certainly not anything I would reasonably expect given some of the recent history regarding our getting together.  I continue to believe that she sincerely wants to remain friends and that is something I have absolutely no issue with.  Better that than mortal enemies focused on nothing more than the utter destruction of the other.

Now, at the same time, I am not naive enough to believe that she wants to remain friends just for the sake of being friends.  She has her reasons and I think I know most of them.  Financial advice and help is near the top of that list.  Though that does not necessarily mean that she thinks she will be on the receiving end of additional dollars.  I know that's a hope of hers but I've been quite plain recently that in regards to that, it's pretty much a nonstarter.  

Earlier this week we had a discussion concerning a credit card bill of hers that was considerably higher than what she was apparently expecting.  Though how she could expect anything when she doesn't bother to keep track of what, when and how much she is charging baffles me.  So that was one of the first items I brought up in that conversation.  Due to the size of this bill, she was extremely concerned about how she would make it going forward.  And that was item two.

I know I've said and explained this to her many times before but once again I got to say to her that she will have to start living like the rest of us do.  Well.....she needed a little bit more explanation as to what I meant.  Really?  And there I go again being surprised when I just shouldn't be.  Anyway, as calmly and evenly as I could (which was actually easy because I enjoy these types of talks) I explained (again) that you, Scarlett, have to start prioritizing your spending.  There are non discretionary expenses (utilities, groceries...to a degree, insurance, taxes etc), there are discretionary expenses (entertainment, travel, clothing...to a degree, eating out etc) and then there are some grey areas.

We all need clothing and we all need food.  But we don't need a closet full of clothes nor do we need the most expensive cuts of beef, name brand paper towels, exotic and expensive fruit and vegetables yadda yadda yadda.  And when  I was done I reiterated that she will have to start living like the rest of us.  Her response, while joking in a way, also convinced me that I made the right decision.

NO she said.  

Uh, no what?

No I don't want to live like the rest of you.

Oh.  Well there are a lot of things that I don't want to do either that I have to do anyway.

I don't want to.  Where's that pot of money? (and this was said as a joke)

I don't know.  I've been looking for that for years and haven't found it yet.  Nor, apparently did your forensic accountants.  (as an aside, Scarlett hired her own forensic accountants early on to "find all the things I'd hidden")  but if you happen to come across it, please tell me.

And with that, that particular conversation was over with.

You know, I keep asking myself, how can someone, who is on the backside of 50, NOT understand that you don't go blowing every dime you have on fun, fun, fun.  For 30 some years I made this point over and over again.  Hell, everyday was a living example of this.  I budgeted (she was never interested in the process), I weighed the pros and cons of discretionary major expenses (sometimes she'd join in other times not), I worked as an accountant for most of our married life and told her horror stories of people who hadn't managed their money, and then I started to actively manage various investment accounts.

It isn't like this is anything new to her, or at least it shouldn't be if she'd been paying the least amount of attention over the years.  There is nothing hard here.  It is not rocket science.  But it does have the unfortunate effect of forcing a decision between play and responsibility.

And once again, there I go.  Being surprised when I really shouldn't be.