Yardsticks

More rambling with a focus on the deep dark past.

I've been trying to compare how I feel now to how I felt a couple of years ago (and longer) with the idea that might help me determine whether I'm still stuck or if I'm moving in the right direction.  But the notion struck me today that maybe that's the wrong yardstick.

Maybe I'm just remembering most of the bad stuff right now, which isn't typical of most people.  We tend to remember the good and allow the bad to fade away.  Were that not the case, many eulogies would sound quite different!  But as usual, I digress.  I remember dreading the days at times (like now), wondering what the next fight/argument would be about (like now), waiting for Scarlett to start bitching at me for who knows what (like now), wondering how long she'd last today before collapsing on the couch (kind of like now in regards to being called to take care of Salty Dog), when will she start complaining about *the heat*, *noise*, *airplanes/helicopters overhead* (not around for that now), when and why will I get to hear how cheap/tight I am (somewhat like now), and whether I'll have (be allowed?) enough time to do what I want and/or need to do before she starts in whining about spending time with her (ok, that's different from now, sort of).

I hated the, what seemed to be but likely wasn't, almost constant conflict, chaos and drama.  Do I miss any of that?  If I'm honest with myself, I'm not really sure.  I know I shouldn't but at the same time I realize that that was a daily part of my life for many years.  Maybe at times I feel like something is missing?  No, I have no wish nor desire to return to any of that.  So what is it?  Guilt?  Pity?  Concern?

I guess right now I'd have to go with what the Shah said.  It's my *parent* trying to deal with Scarlett's *child*.  Man, for a guy who really didn't want kids (with the exception of only one person who would've made a really good mom to them) I sure married wrong!

But back then, if I even gave any thought to it, which I'm pretty sure I didn't, I just assumed (always dangerous), took it on faith, that anyone who was past a certain age was, and would act, behave and think like, an adult.  There were a number of red flags that now I can see very clearly (thank you 20/20 hindsight) as regards Scarlett, but then?  I can't say whether I just ignored them, didn't see them or if I did see them I just didn't attach that much importance or significance to them.  And in some ways that angers me.  About me.

Why I feel that that failure on my part hurt Scarlett more than me is......illogical.  Yet, that's how I feel a good many times.  Maybe it's simpler than that.  If I'd paid attention to the warning signs and ended the relationship before it had gone too far then maybe by now Scarlett would be a fully functional adult (though I would have no way of knowing that, let alone care), I might have been in a far better and happier place and all would be good.  For Scarlett, the offspring of Scarlett and me.

More self imposed guilt?  Kind of sounds like it.  Damn.  You spend years and dollars trying to help people and at the end of it all you have to show for it is a feeling of guilt.  Is that my doing, hers or some combination?

Shit.

All I want is a normal, healthy life.  Minus the health food of course!  Why the hell is that so damn difficult to achieve?  Yeah, yeah, I know.  If it came easy you wouldn't appreciate it.

Who makes these damn rules anyway?  I need to have a serious sit down talk with whoever it is and give them a piece of my mind =)