Saw Irving one-on-one last night. I find he makes far more sense and seems to "get it" a lot better when it's just he and I talking. Gave him the skinny on what Scarlett's been saying and his reaction was one of putting his head in his hands and saying no, no, no. I'm so sorry Salty, I did not see this coming. Scarlett told me she was working on this but she really isn't.
No she isn't. She walks out of a session, or even church for that matter and promptly goes back to the way she was. I suppose the question is can she help it? I'm not all that sure that she can, however that aside, she is still an adult and therefore needs to be held accountable for her actions and behavior. I was mad, I was angry, I was_______ just doesn't fly.
We discussed her lack of impulse control, her impatience, her need to recreate what she grew up with, which was chaos and Irving tried to drive home the point that with work she could get better which would be good for her and the marriage.
I couldn't argue with that but pointed out that I've said much the same thing to her over the years and when the subject is one of her changing certain aspects of her personality she tends to fly into a, maybe not rage, but something closely related.
It seemed to me a good time and opportunity to ask Irving a question I'd been wanting to ask for weeks. So I told him that, said that it may not be a fair question but I was going to ask it anyway.
Take me out of the picture, but leave Joanne. Now, in my place, put your son. What advice would you give to him were he in this position?
Irving allowed as to how that was a very good question and thought a little then said, okay, this is off the record and just between you and I.
You got it. I understand.
If it were my son and he wanted to continue in the marriage I'd tell him I'd support him all the way and do what I could to help his wife change/modify her behavior. But, with Histrionics, and there is a continuum of level/intensity of behaviors, and Joanne is not the worst that I've seen, the chances of them changing are essentially zero. You have to really love the person a lot to be able to deal with what they can and will put out.
Hmmm. Interesting. Essentially zero chance that this type of person can (or would want to -but that's for another blog post) change.
So after this little discussion I told him that what he'd just said, I pretty much already knew. From things I've read, others I've talked to and just 30 years of experience.
More later but for now, we left it with a call from me to him on Sunday/Monday to see if there is a need for us to meet one-on-one again.
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