On not being surprised

Went to lunch with Scarlett today.  I wasn't sure what to expect but had a few things in my back pocket that I thought I could bring up if the situation called for it, if an opportunity arose or if she started getting demanding as to how things were going to go etc.

For better or worse I still have all those items in that back pocket of mine.  It really helps to drive home the correctness of your decision when you look back at something like this and realize you are surprised that things went along as smoothly as they did.

Not a bad surprise but certainly not anything I would reasonably expect given some of the recent history regarding our getting together.  I continue to believe that she sincerely wants to remain friends and that is something I have absolutely no issue with.  Better that than mortal enemies focused on nothing more than the utter destruction of the other.

Now, at the same time, I am not naive enough to believe that she wants to remain friends just for the sake of being friends.  She has her reasons and I think I know most of them.  Financial advice and help is near the top of that list.  Though that does not necessarily mean that she thinks she will be on the receiving end of additional dollars.  I know that's a hope of hers but I've been quite plain recently that in regards to that, it's pretty much a nonstarter.  

Earlier this week we had a discussion concerning a credit card bill of hers that was considerably higher than what she was apparently expecting.  Though how she could expect anything when she doesn't bother to keep track of what, when and how much she is charging baffles me.  So that was one of the first items I brought up in that conversation.  Due to the size of this bill, she was extremely concerned about how she would make it going forward.  And that was item two.

I know I've said and explained this to her many times before but once again I got to say to her that she will have to start living like the rest of us do.  Well.....she needed a little bit more explanation as to what I meant.  Really?  And there I go again being surprised when I just shouldn't be.  Anyway, as calmly and evenly as I could (which was actually easy because I enjoy these types of talks) I explained (again) that you, Scarlett, have to start prioritizing your spending.  There are non discretionary expenses (utilities, groceries...to a degree, insurance, taxes etc), there are discretionary expenses (entertainment, travel, clothing...to a degree, eating out etc) and then there are some grey areas.

We all need clothing and we all need food.  But we don't need a closet full of clothes nor do we need the most expensive cuts of beef, name brand paper towels, exotic and expensive fruit and vegetables yadda yadda yadda.  And when  I was done I reiterated that she will have to start living like the rest of us.  Her response, while joking in a way, also convinced me that I made the right decision.

NO she said.  

Uh, no what?

No I don't want to live like the rest of you.

Oh.  Well there are a lot of things that I don't want to do either that I have to do anyway.

I don't want to.  Where's that pot of money? (and this was said as a joke)

I don't know.  I've been looking for that for years and haven't found it yet.  Nor, apparently did your forensic accountants.  (as an aside, Scarlett hired her own forensic accountants early on to "find all the things I'd hidden")  but if you happen to come across it, please tell me.

And with that, that particular conversation was over with.

You know, I keep asking myself, how can someone, who is on the backside of 50, NOT understand that you don't go blowing every dime you have on fun, fun, fun.  For 30 some years I made this point over and over again.  Hell, everyday was a living example of this.  I budgeted (she was never interested in the process), I weighed the pros and cons of discretionary major expenses (sometimes she'd join in other times not), I worked as an accountant for most of our married life and told her horror stories of people who hadn't managed their money, and then I started to actively manage various investment accounts.

It isn't like this is anything new to her, or at least it shouldn't be if she'd been paying the least amount of attention over the years.  There is nothing hard here.  It is not rocket science.  But it does have the unfortunate effect of forcing a decision between play and responsibility.

And once again, there I go.  Being surprised when I really shouldn't be. 

Not much

Salty has been getting to spend a lot of time with Salty Dog this week.  Scarlett has been quite successful at filling her days, plus a few nights, with things to do.  She tells me that is preferred over being at Tara where the "memories" are just too much.  

Fog Beach has an airshow this weekend and my house is in almost the perfect location for viewing.  There have been very few weekends when I've had (or felt like making) any definite plans, but for an airshow I'm there!

Have my weekly meeting with the Shah this evening, see it this one turns out better than last weeks.

So what is else is new around here?  Not all that much really, which is why this blog has been silent for the past 6 or so days.  Scarlett has been refreshingly easy to deal with for the past few weeks.  Not sure why that is but I'm told (not by her) that she is busy talking to God and making plans for a new love interest.  I know the dude in question probably has no clue about any of this but Scarlett is persistent if nothing else.

Truth be told I hope she isn't setting herself up for a fall and that all works out the way she'd like it to.  My greatest wish for her is to be happy, feel loved, appreciated, important in someone's life and to have a future that holds the promise of even more.  Do I gain something from that?  Yes, but that isn't the reason for my hope.  I truly want her to enjoy life and want to see her with someone who will enjoy it with her.

Along with that, Scarlett has been bringing up the idea of bifurcation in some of our conversations.  I find it a little ironic that with us on the path to divorce she is now very concerned about not doing "something" outside the bounds of matrimony.  I know of at least one instance during our marriage where she wasn't all that concerned.  That doesn't make me mad or angry though it does make me curious.  

Bifurcation, much like her desire for a smart phone prior, seems to her to hold the promise of each and every one of her problems being solved.  And her (not quite) incessant desire for this, experience has taught me, gives me pause.  Suffice to say, that I have learned over the years that when she wants something so bad she can almost taste it, I better be scanning the horizon for incoming messerschmitts.  Not that I am trying to drag this out any more than necessary.  I am however, unlike too many times in the past, going to do what makes the most sense for me.

Scarlett, and this is not really intended as an insult (I'm just done with that for the moment), and attention to detail have never really been the best of friends.  Do it first, agree to it first, buy it, spend it THEN ask questions.  Yeah.  I don't operate that way.  Never have.  Something else that always seemed to rub her the wrong way.  Killjoy.  Suck the fun out of everything.  Wet blanket.  Party pooper.

Guilty as charged. On all counts.  My defense?  Geez, I don't know.  Adulthood?  Responsibility?  Maturity?  Not being a teenager anymore?  Being able to practice the lost art of self-denial?  I know, I'm really one sick little puppy!

Missed an important call this past Sunday which I hope can be rectified this coming one.  Something I look forward to each week but circumstances conspired against it this time around.  Hope springs eternal as they say.

I would be remiss

if I didn't take this opportunity to wish a very special someone a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Appraising the situation

So today was the day that Scarlett and I (plus our respective attorneys) all received the appraisal report from the appraiser who was out at Tara about a week ago.  As I reviewed it, I felt that he had done a pretty good job of noting the condition of the property, the surrounding neighborhood, demographics et.al.  In fact, the only thing that I did see that I felt *might* become an issue was the value he pegged Tara at.  A tad lower than what Scarlett had been hoping for.

This isn't necessarily a problem for me though.  Or perhaps I should say it wasn't a surprise.  Salty is certainly no expert but he does know the difference between appraised value and market value.  The first is based primarily on observable things and surrounding facts, the second gets a lot of emotion (good and bad) thrown into it.  And this is why, in most cases, a court will recognize the considered opinion of a duly accredited appraiser over that of a real estate broker/salesman.

Now, that's all well and good but back here in the real world one must also be cognizant of the fact that just because someone with letters after their name says something does not obligate those with an interest in the outcome to accept said judgement.

And as luck would have it, that is precisely what Scarlett has chosen to do.  Again, this comes as no large shock to me.  I knew going in what she thought (hoped is probably a better word) the final figure would be and I also knew that if the final result varied very much from the amount she has had fixed in her head that we would be off to the races.

So, Scarlett calls me this afternoon to ask whether I've seen the appraisal.  Yep.  And then she proceeds to inform me that the appraiser didn't know what he was doing, he's crazy, my attorney is crooked (how that relates is beyond me, besides the fact that he isn't crooked, he's just better than hers) she will not accept this and will be bringing in a friend of hers who happens to be a Real Estate Broker or Saleswoman (can't recall which), at least when she's not acting as a hairdresser.  Not sure which of those jobs came first - real estate or hair.  And it really doesn't matter.

Anyway, I assured Scarlett that she was fully within her rights to not accept what the appraiser came up with.  And she can certainly call on her friend to offer her opinion.  To Scarlett's credit she did know that her friends "market analysis" would not hold the same weight in court as the appraisal.  And that's all fine by me.  Now, had she just left it there all would be good.  But.....Scarlett being Scarlett, she had to continue on.  Past the point of reasonableness and out onto the frontier of, if not fantasy, then a close cousin to.

She has to have x number of dollars.  I don't know how I will afford insurance.  I don't want to live in a dump.  We're talking about the rest of my life.  I don't have anyone or anything to fall back on.  I can't work.  I'm disabled.  I didn't want this divorce.  You have your parents and an inheritance.  I have nothing.

When I was able to break in I felt it necessary (again) to try and explain to Scarlett that I knew she wouldn't care for the appraised amount and that that goes back to what I'd been telling her for sometime now that we would eventually find ourselves sitting down and doing some horse trading.

Well she didn't care for that terminology.  Fine.  How about negotiating?  Compromise?  Give and take?  I don't give a damn what you call it but it all amounts to you not getting all you want and me not getting all I want.

Maybe it's just me but I think that is fair.

Apparently I don't think too good though.  I once again got to listen to how all Scarlett wants is her half of everything.  50/50.  That's (this states) law.  My response?

I agree completely Scarlett.  All things that are deemed 100% community property are to be split 50/50.  However, not everything you see is community property and not all the community property (by virtue of gifting) is subject to a 50/50 division.  And that knife cuts both ways.  Some items are yours by virtue of gifting and will start off in your column and will only move over to mine through a mutually agreeable trade.  But the same is true on my side.

Ever heard that expression that what's yours is ours and what's hers is hers?  I always thought that was a joke.  Either I was horribly mistaken or there are some out there who simply don't see the humor.  They take it as gospel.  Some unwritten matrimonial law.

And I sit there and wonder how in the f**K are we going to end this when one of us is having trouble understanding the simplest of things.  That brings me to my audience with the Shah last night.

You know, there are good sessions where at the end of them you feel charged up, vindicated, you know you're on the right path etc etc.  And just to keep things balanced, there are not so good sessions where you walk out thinking...I paid for that??  Crap.

Last night was more the latter than the former.  The Shah likes to tell the truth as he sees it or as his experience leads him to believe it to be.  Scarlett, according to him WILL have a difficult time landing someone else to take my place.  Now, I've heard this from Scarlett but chalked it up to self pity and whatnot.  No, according to Dr. Shah she's pretty much straight on.  What are older gentlemen usually looking for in a new woman?  Mostly what Scarlett lacks.  Health, Youth, Employment to name the big three.

Scarlett is "healthy" though she does suffer from more than her fair share of chronic conditions.  Youth (as in no older than 45)...yeah...sadly that ship has long since sailed and isn't coming back to this port.  Employment, or better put, a decent income?  The last time Scarlett had a decent income was when I initially met her.  30+ years ago.  Suffice to say that Salty was not feeling too chipper at the end of this little truth telling.  But, I'd rather hear the truth than a lie.  At least I have some idea of what I need to prepare for and/or what to expect.

And at the moment I'm expecting a rather tough row to hoe.  Probably be easier if I didn't give a damn about what happens to Scarlett but for some reason that's not the way I was raised.  The key here is to get her to understand that she will in fact be fine.  But whenever the key to something is dependent upon her understanding....yeah, that one can be rough.

All prayers and good thoughts are very much appreciated, as always!

I See The Train A Coming

So Scarlett has a friend from church.  Obviously I won't use her real name so we'll just call her Dingbat.  Which, if you knew this person, you would readily agree that that is a fitting name if not perhaps a bit more complementary than what is actually deserved.

I had the horror pleasure of meeting this individual a week ago.  Initially she seemed fairly normal.  Don't they all.....

Anyway, later that day I receive a call from Scarlett.  Dingbat is losing her medical insurance at the end of this month and could use some help.  Could I help her?  Well, I said I'd try.  Big mistake.

Dingbat proceeds to tell me her whole life story.  Like I cared or even needed to know.  Which I didn't.  Anyway, she has multiple medical issues, takes a variety of drugs, sees a stable full of doctors, has a couple of surgeries lined up, had been a caregiver for mom and dad, married with a son all of whom are now deceased.  She's on her own.  A very long story short, hubby took care of everything for her, she has no clue what the world is like here in 2017 as she seems to be someone who just crawled out of cave that she'd been in since I'd guess 1982.

But she does have a smartphone!  And therein lies today's tale.

While I was on the phone with her (she was at Tara using my home phone) and wasting away precious time, Dingbat had given Scarlett her smartphone to play around with.  Scarlett has had it in her head for 3 - 4 years that if she only had a smartphone then EVERYTHING would be easier.  EVERYTHING!  Why, she could do all kinds of things on that smartphone that she can't do any other way don't you know.  Pay bills (what happened to checks?), look up information (what your laptop doesn't get Google?), take pictures (we have a camera and her current phone has one as well), videos (current phone has that capability), get directions (she has a GPS in her car) and who the hell knows what else.

Scarlett is still trying to master her laptop.  And doing a fabulously awful job of it.  Here are just some of the questions I've fielded over the years:

What do you mean open a new tab?
How do I attach something to an email (this is an ongoing question)
Why isn't "it" working right?
I JUST WANT TO GOOGLE SOMETHING!! WHY WON'T IT LET ME GOOGLE???
I don't know if I saved it.  How would I do that?
I don't know where the file is.  Just find it for me!
How come things have to be so complicated?
I hate technology!!!!

But, Scarlett want's that damn smartphone.  Yep.  That's going to solve ALL of her problems!  Once she gets one of those, she's on easy street!  Don't believe me?  Just ask her.

So, Scarlett was dinking around on Dingbats smartphone.  Apparently looking at web pages of some sort.  Anyway, after Dingbat had sucked up far too much of my time and hung up, Scarlett gave Dingbat her phone back.  

Oh oh.  Now, according to Dingbat, her smartphone is RUINED!  Scarlett broke it!  She can't use it anymore.  And she needs to be able to talk to her lawyers!!!

I never did figure out where the lawyers figure into all of this but I do feel sorry for them.  As I do Dingbat's doctors, well, anyone who has to have contact with her.  But I digress.

A neighbor across the street has some family members living with her, one of which is computer/tech savvy.  So Scarlett calls this unsuspecting neighbor and asks if they can bring Dingbats phone over for this family member to look at.

Sure, the unsuspecting neighbor says.

And another long story short - the web pages Scarlett had been looking at were apparently stacked at the top of the screen (or something like that.  Salty does not own a smartphone) and for whatever reason, Dingbats two working brain cells thought that meant the phone was RUINED!  BROKEN!  Making her unable to TALK TO HER LAWYERS!!

Apparently a simple swipe of the thumb or finger made these dastardly web pages disappear and it was like WOW!  The smartphone has been returned from the dead!

Yes, there are still miracles being performed today!  They aren't just Old and New Testament things!

Dingbat asks (incredulously) how did you do that?  I do not know what the response was but I can only imagine that it involved some eye rolls, muttering something about a stupid bitch and how somebody now owes him big time.

So.  Today finds Scarlett and Dingbat off to Best Buy to, can you guess?  Yes, you in the back?  Did you say to buy a washer/dryer combo?  Pay attention and stop looking at your stupid smartphone!  You?  Yes you over there in the corner.  No not you, the one who looks like they play with knives in electrical sockets.  Yes you.  What's that?  A smartphone?  You think Dingbat and Scarlett have gone to Best Buy to get Scarlett a smartphone?  Now why on earth would you think that?  Why would Scarlett trust Dingbat on a purchase of something that it's quite obvious she knows nothing about?  Because it's time?  Because Scarlett is impatient?  Because as stupid as Dingbat appears no one could possibly be that ill equipped to live amongst the rest of us?

And sadly, that is precisely what is now occurring.

Have you ever watched a movie and shouted at the screen Don't go in there!  The person on the screen can't hear you.  Much like Scarlett right now.

Here's what I believe Scarlett + Smartphone + Dingbat looks like:





  

Dogs don't lie

Exception to the rule

What's life without a good roller coaster ride every once in awhile?  Relaxing for one.  And I look forward to the day when relaxing is my main endeavor.  Not the sit with my feet up and watch the world go by relaxing, but the take care of what I want to take care of, when I want to take care of it, how I want to take care of it type of relaxation.

But.  Such is not the life I find myself presently living.  Not complaining, just observing.  So what have I observed over the past 3 or so days?  Oh let's see.

Scarlett wants to be friends.  Well, some days she wants to be friends.  Then there are other days when she wants to make baseless accusations and expects me (I guess) to defend myself against the accusation.  That's not working out so well for her anymore.  I've known for years that doing that only encourages the behavior but knowing something and doing something about it are quite often 2 different things.  I'm getting better on my part though.  I find myself engaging with her less and less.  And shock of shock, what do I discover?  She tends to cool it.  She doesn't get the rise out of me that she expects, that takes the wind out of her sails and we move on.

Scarlett does not want to leave Tara.  Well, except when the weather is too warm, the kids (or adults) in the neighborhood are too noisy, the neighbor behind us fires up his boat (exhaust comes our way), or the house needs to be cleaned.  Then it's too big, too noisy, too hot.  Except when it's not.  You know, when it's the perfect house in the perfect location with the perfect neighbors and perfect weather.  Then.  Except when it starts getting noisy.  And hot.  Did I mention the noise?  Yeah, I never really heard it much either and when I did I realized that I was living in a  n  e  i  g  h  b  o  r  h  o  o  d  and these things should be expected.  And rather than being annoying they are actually happy sounds.  Well except for the nutjob across the street who at one time was holding a Sunday coven meeting in her house and threatening to kill her husband.  But hey, what neighborhood doesn't have at least one of those?

Scarlett is going to keep Salty Dog.  Well, maybe.  Or maybe not.  Tara is his home, has been since he was 6 months old.  He's 14 now.  Except that Scarlett has a new theory at times.  Tara is not his home, she is.  She is Salty Dog's home.  Not sure where she's hiding his water dish, food dish, his doggy doors and all that, but that's what she says so it must be the truth.  I keep assuring the little guy that no one will take him from his home.  He will be there for as long as he wants to.  As an aside, a next door neighbor has a dog (smaller) who is turning 19 soon.  I've told Salty Dog for years that he has to at least see me to 65.=)

A little movement on the legal front.  There has been an At-Issue Memorandum filed with the court which really just sets in motion setting up a hearing between the two attorneys and the judge assigned to the case.  That will likely occur sometime in November - December.  And at some point after that, a trial date is set.  At this stage, probably in the first half of 2018.  That's worst case as far as I know.  Best case is that Scarlett and I and our attorneys sit down, hash out the issues, engage in some horse trading and dispense with the need for a judge and a courtroom.

The latter option is my preferred outcome and at the moment I believe it to be Scarlett's as well.  But just like the tides, this too can change.

Returned my copy due to 33,000 missing words and a strong smell of bleach.

My life with Scarlett - A Microcosm

The email thread below (again, start from the bottom and work your way up) is just a small sample of what I found myself dealing with far, far too often with Scarlett.  She wants help, help is offered but rebuffed.  But in the rebuffelment (if that's not a word it should be) I then somehow wind up the bad guy.  Because I tried to help.

The back story behind all this is a "book" that Scarlett wants to publish.  Not so much a book but a compilation of stories, poems, songs and real life experiences of hers.  She started thinking about this about 3 or 4 years ago and I'll let the emails take it from there.


________________________________________
From: Salty 
Sent: Tuesday, September 12, 2017 7:31 PM
To: Scarlett
Subject: Re: Nook book?

Mad?  No.  Frustrated at your tunnel vision concerning the requirement that it be some "christian" business?  Yes!  You have something you want to get out there.  And from what you seem to believe, God want's it out there as well.  Well....he put you in contact with someone 2 years ago who gave you, at least so it sounds to me, a very good place to get that accomplished.  And you wanted me to keep that information.  Which I did.  And I happened to stumble across it while you were casting about for help and answers.  But....they aren't christian.  Now how can you tell that?  I've seen the website.  I did not see any pentagrams, upside down crosses, supplications to satan....nor did I see any stars of david, right side up crosses, a crucified Jesus, biblical passages, nothing.  In fact, just the same things I do not see every time I walk into Vons, go to the gas station, walk into my dentist or doctor, go into Walmart, a movie theater, a department store, a pizza parlor, a fast food joint...nothing.  How do I know if those places are christian or not?  I don't and I don't care.  I can see where it makes sense for the church you choose to attend.  It would be quite the faux pas to walk into a Jewish temple with a copy of the New Testament singing Jesus' praises, or a mooslim whatever or stroll into an LDS church with your whiskey flask in your hand, yeah, those things you need to make sure you're where you're supposed to be.  But this?  Again, I see no real difference between what you want to do now and what you want to do when you go into Vons.
________________________________________
From: Scarlett 
Sent: Tuesday, September 12, 2017 4:34 PM
To: Salty 
Subject: Re: Nook book?

You sound very angry, Salty. I'm sorry if I got you angry. I know that you have had bad experiences with people who have called themselves Christians. Sorry as we are ALL flawed. I have a goal and I'd like others that are helping to have the same goal. That's important to me. I trust you and know you want to help me. Because I put perimeters around my needs, I guess upsets you. Do you know what you want, apart from all the money in the world and then some? Sorry for being sarcastic but I can't think of anything you've ever been so excited about except for money. What is you YOU want from life, Salty? Don't use the word money or finance or anything related and see if you can come up with something. I bet it will be difficult. So sorry you are having problems. I really am. I've got lots of people praying for you, and me. But mostly you.  
________________________________________
From: Salty 
Sent: Tuesday, September 12, 2017 4:26 PM
To: Scarlett
Subject: Re: Nook book?

Maybe God gave you the answer you would need 2 years ago.

Yes I'm still coming over tonight for a little bit.

So the only ones you will accept help from are self professed christians?  Then I guess you'll just have to wait until God throws you in front of one.

I've tried to help you Scarlett.  I tried to help your friend Dingbat yesterday as well.  Neither of you seem able to grasp the help that was being offered.  You want some *Christian* outfit and she wants *free* everything.  I can't help either one of you in the current endeavors.
________________________________________
From: Scarlett 
Sent: Tuesday, September 12, 2017 4:15 PM
To: Salty 
Subject: Re: Nook book?

Lovely. It's very important to me that my goal of reaching out in song and words is for the same important goal: to be on God's team. Whatever? My goal is not to get famous. It is to do God's work. He gave me talents He wants me to use. I am using them. He gave YOU gifts too. You are using them. I need your help with this, Salty. If you don't want to help me, just say so. 

You ARE still coming over this evening to be with Salty Dog, right? He hasn't been brushed or had any pampering in a while. Maybe if you brush him a bit, he'd like that. Also, your bike may need to have the tires filled or you'll be buying new ones. Up to you
________________________________________
From: Salty 
Sent: Tuesday, September 12, 2017 4:02 PM
To: Scarlett
Subject: Re: Nook book?

Then ask somebody at your church.  Or your Pastors Perspective.

It sounded to me like that outfit was just what you were looking for.  Why should you give a crap about what someone does or does not believe if they can help you achieve what it is you want to achieve?

Whatever.
________________________________________
From: Scarlett 
Sent: Tuesday, September 12, 2017 3:23 PM
To: Salty 
Subject: Re: Nook book?

This isn't a Christian place. I wanted something that caters to the Christian individual. 
________________________________________
From: Salty 
Sent: Tuesday, September 12, 2017 2:57 PM
To: Scarlett
Subject: Re: Nook book?

You would do well to look at, peruse and read what the company has to say on that website.
________________________________________
From: Scarlett 
Sent: Tuesday, September 12, 2017 2:12 PM
To: Salty 
Subject: Re: Nook book?

I need real help, Salty. Not just a name and a website. I am afraid it will get sent off and then I'll never see it again until someone else's name is on it.
________________________________________
From: Salty 
Sent: Tuesday, September 12, 2017 1:54 PM
To: Scarlett
Subject: Re: Nook book?

This was sent to you by Matt who I think was someone at the garden.  You'd been talking to him about this book idea of yours but didn't know what to do.  He got the name of his friends publisher, and the link to that was, and still is, attached below.  Click on that link and see what it has to say.
________________________________________
From: Scarlett 
Sent: Sunday, September 10, 2017 8:30 AM
To: Salty 
Subject: Re: Nook book?

I have no idea what these people are talking about and whom
________________________________________
From: Salty 
Sent: Saturday, September 9, 2017 8:24 PM
To: Scarlett 
Subject: Fw: Nook book?

Here's an email you wanted me to hang onto for you.  I am forwarding it to you now so you can take a look at the website mentioned.  It might be what you're looking for now in regards to your book.
________________________________________
From: Scarlett 
Sent: Tuesday, June 30, 2015 12:26 PM
To: Salty
Subject: FW: Nook book?

please print this, don't throw it away! THis is my way of publishing stuff
________________________________________
From: mbecker
To: Scarlett
Subject: FW: Nook book?
Date: Tue, 30 Jun 2015 18:54:34 +0000
 Hi Scarlett.  This just in from my office mate.  He, as you can see, is a pretty good guy.

Matt   
________________________________________
From: Mick
Sent: Monday, June 29, 2015 2:16 PM
To: Matthew Subject: Re: Nook book?

Hi Matt,

I don't know about the Nook. My friend has one and loves, but I'd recommend she go KDP (Kindle Direct Publish), and not aim for the Nook as Amazon is definitely the gorilla in the market at this time. My buddy reads stuff on Nook by using Kindle app.

Here's a link to my publisher: https://hold-fast-press.squarespace.com/#our-story 

If she has any more questions, feel free to give her my E-mail, and I'll try to help!

Yardsticks

More rambling with a focus on the deep dark past.

I've been trying to compare how I feel now to how I felt a couple of years ago (and longer) with the idea that might help me determine whether I'm still stuck or if I'm moving in the right direction.  But the notion struck me today that maybe that's the wrong yardstick.

Maybe I'm just remembering most of the bad stuff right now, which isn't typical of most people.  We tend to remember the good and allow the bad to fade away.  Were that not the case, many eulogies would sound quite different!  But as usual, I digress.  I remember dreading the days at times (like now), wondering what the next fight/argument would be about (like now), waiting for Scarlett to start bitching at me for who knows what (like now), wondering how long she'd last today before collapsing on the couch (kind of like now in regards to being called to take care of Salty Dog), when will she start complaining about *the heat*, *noise*, *airplanes/helicopters overhead* (not around for that now), when and why will I get to hear how cheap/tight I am (somewhat like now), and whether I'll have (be allowed?) enough time to do what I want and/or need to do before she starts in whining about spending time with her (ok, that's different from now, sort of).

I hated the, what seemed to be but likely wasn't, almost constant conflict, chaos and drama.  Do I miss any of that?  If I'm honest with myself, I'm not really sure.  I know I shouldn't but at the same time I realize that that was a daily part of my life for many years.  Maybe at times I feel like something is missing?  No, I have no wish nor desire to return to any of that.  So what is it?  Guilt?  Pity?  Concern?

I guess right now I'd have to go with what the Shah said.  It's my *parent* trying to deal with Scarlett's *child*.  Man, for a guy who really didn't want kids (with the exception of only one person who would've made a really good mom to them) I sure married wrong!

But back then, if I even gave any thought to it, which I'm pretty sure I didn't, I just assumed (always dangerous), took it on faith, that anyone who was past a certain age was, and would act, behave and think like, an adult.  There were a number of red flags that now I can see very clearly (thank you 20/20 hindsight) as regards Scarlett, but then?  I can't say whether I just ignored them, didn't see them or if I did see them I just didn't attach that much importance or significance to them.  And in some ways that angers me.  About me.

Why I feel that that failure on my part hurt Scarlett more than me is......illogical.  Yet, that's how I feel a good many times.  Maybe it's simpler than that.  If I'd paid attention to the warning signs and ended the relationship before it had gone too far then maybe by now Scarlett would be a fully functional adult (though I would have no way of knowing that, let alone care), I might have been in a far better and happier place and all would be good.  For Scarlett, the offspring of Scarlett and me.

More self imposed guilt?  Kind of sounds like it.  Damn.  You spend years and dollars trying to help people and at the end of it all you have to show for it is a feeling of guilt.  Is that my doing, hers or some combination?

Shit.

All I want is a normal, healthy life.  Minus the health food of course!  Why the hell is that so damn difficult to achieve?  Yeah, yeah, I know.  If it came easy you wouldn't appreciate it.

Who makes these damn rules anyway?  I need to have a serious sit down talk with whoever it is and give them a piece of my mind =)

You know who you are =)

Piss on it

Regrets, I've had a few

So I've spent the past couple of days doing some favors for Scarlett.  Started with her calling me because she had a migraine and needed a ride to her chiropractor who has been able to relieve some of this in the past.  Fine.  Not a problem.  Get her back to the house after that and I'm asked if I can feed Salty Dog.  Sure enough.  Anything else?  Okay then, I'm going back to the campsite.

Later on that evening she calls.  Not feeling well.  All alone.  Salty Dog is bugging her.  No one there to take care of her.  You've got to be kidding me.  She's made such a fuss over the past year about almost being 60 and now she's behaving like a child because there's no one to take care of her.

For one of the few times in our relationship I told her that she'll just have to take care of herself.  But I don't want to.  Really?  Did I just hear what I thought I heard?  I said that Salty Dog would be fine and so would she.  Once she figured out that I wasn't coming over she ended the call.

Following day another phone call.  Not feeling well.  Can you go get such and such for me?  Yep.  Not a problem.  But for that I needed her car and when I came over to get it she wanted to know if I could pick her up something to eat while I was out.  Sure.  And I see that she only has a 1/4 tank of gas.  So to be nice and considerate I fill the tank for her as well.

Earlier she had run out of some perfume she likes and wanted to know if I could order some more for her.  Sure thing.

I did all of those things for her simply out of kindness.  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you (Luke 6:31) and all that happy horseshit.

Not according to Scarlett though as I found out today.

Another phone call.  Why are you being so good to me?  So I reference Luke above and also add in just simple human kindness.

Uh uh she says, there's something more to it. 
Uh, no there isn't.
Yes there is.  Do you want to get back together?
No.
Wow.  You didn't even take a breath!
Didn't need to.
Why are you being so nice to me?
I'm getting the feeling that maybe I shouldn't.  Maybe I should just be an asshole?
No.  I want you to be nice to me.  I don't want this divorce.
Well I can think of quite a few things just from the recent past that tell me something different.
So you don't want to get back together?
Asked and answered.
Ok.  I think I've humiliated myself enough for one day.
Bye Scarlett.
*click*

Ran all this by the Shah this evening along with a recurring dream I've had for about 3 years now.  Dream concerns a former place of employment and my departure from there.  Up to today I didn't think, had to no reason to think, that the dream and all this Scarlett stuff was connected.  The Shah almost has me convinced that they are.

I've had some regrets concerning my leaving this employer but on balance I believe it was the right decision.  Doing so did not make my life any easier, in fact for quite a few years afterward my life was fairly lousy.  But as things usually do, if you can maintain the proper attitude, it got a little better, a little more, a little more until one day I could look back and say yeah I did the right thing.  I miss this, this and this but I gained this, this, this and this plus I got to know this person, that person, I was able to do thus and such a lot of which I likely would not have enjoyed or experienced had I not left.

The regrets from all those years ago, according to the Shah, are what is driving me in the present day to make this current departure/rupture/end of a relationship, as smooth as I can possibly make it.  And when I reflect on what he said, I can't say that I disagree.

Just more proof that I should have followed my very sage advice to a couple of step children years ago.  If you have no expectations, you will have no regrets or disappointments.


Cue Frank Sinatra

End of Summer

Well that didn't last long.  Now Scarlett is NOT keeping the house.  I'm shocked I tell you, just SHOCKED!  And I'm not gay either.  Phew!  That's a load off my mind!  Nothing worse than being some gay homeless man.  I so prefer being a hetero homeowner.  Yay for me!

I guess Scarlett's stamina for hardball just isn't what it used to be.  Though I hadn't even begun to play yet.  She just exhausted herself. I like that in an opponent.  Saves me so much time, work and effort.  But as usual, it's a mystery to me how I "won" this round.  But I'll take it!

And so summer officially ends today here at Fog Beach and the surrounding area.  The tourists disappear, the residents get to reclaim their sand, cities, streets, restaurants, bars, theaters and stores.  I never like to see them (the tourists) come, kind of like locusts, but I do enjoy seeing them leave.  Life should start returning to a more normal pace, whatever normal is, the constant vacation that my attorney seemed to be on should end and maybe this divorce can start inching forward.

I am under no illusion that this will be a quick process.  Something I have tried desperately to get Scarlett to understand but.......well, let's just say that too is a work in progress.

And with that, I bid you all a happy Marx/Lenin day.  Workers of the world - get back to work!  We're not paying you to read blogs, stare at your stupid smart phone, play mindless games or stand there with your thumb stuck up your arse waiting for direction.

Do I have to do EVERYTHING myself?