There's a book, called Games People Play, written by Eric Berne, M.D.over 50 years ago (1964 to be exact) that Dr. Shah suggested I read. I secured a copy and read it. Then reread some sections, skimmed some others and determined that there was a large portion of the book, at least for my current circumstances, that I could just leave alone.
I'd joked for years with friends, family and neighbors that I should probably go over to our local police department and register as a sex offender because I had married a child. Since everyone I ever said this to knew Scarlett they knew exactly what I was talking about.
And apparently so did Dr. Berne.
He devotes the first couple of chapters to Parent/Adult/Child interactions. So much of what he wrote back in '64 (when I was but a wee lad) is so spot on as to be almost unnerving though in a "I knew I wasn't nuts" sort of way.
That's where my thinking has been today. How long have I had to be the Parent to Scarlett's child or the Adult to her child? And without trying to exaggerate things, pretty much since we first met.
I know I didn't consciously do this, in fact quite a lot of my parental/adult behavior or whatever you want to call it as regards her was done simply because there was no other real choice. Somebody needed to be responsible, someone needed to pay the bills, balance and reconcile the checkbook, keep track of what we had, what we needed at the store, when preventative maintenance needed to be done on vehicles, etc etc etc.
Scarlett wanted to be in charge of fun. Whimsy. Though she was also good at keeping a clean house, making sure the laundry was done (though at times I think she was a bit OCD about these things) but for the most part the major responsibilities fell to me.
Now I discover that I wasn't doing her too many favors, nor myself as I discussed in Friday's blog.
But the parent/child, adult/child way of interacting seems to have taken hold and I am really afraid it will ever be thus.
I have to credit a friend of mine, someone I've known since before Dr. Berne published his book, with the following insights:
Children don't have to be responsible.
Ignorance is bliss.
Ignorance is no responsibility.
It's not about knowledge, it's about ethics
and personal responsibility.
Irresponsible spending is unethical.
All of the above describe Scarlett. She wants to be a child. She does not want responsibility. She does not really want to be held to a code of ethics unless it is to her benefit. She does not want to prioritize.....well, anything. In many ways life is like a multiple choice exam. Or as some would say, multiple guess. Either way, you are presented with a list of possible answers or in the case of life, priorities. You can arrange them anyway you'd like but there are consequences for those who put obviously (or what should be obvious) lower priorities above what should be higher ones.
There aren't, per se, any right or wrong answers though there is history that can be your guide if you so choose to avail yourself of the experience of others. And that is something that I see far too few people actually doing.
But, to continue, one of the choices that you will not see (unless your last name happens to be Trump, Rockefeller, Hughes, Carnegie....) is *all of the above*. Yet that seems to be the only choice that Scarlett wants.
Sigh.
Tuesday, October 31, 2017
Friday, October 27, 2017
Every silver lining has it's cloud
So another opportunity to enjoy some Kona coffee, vent my spleen and listen to some sage advice courtesy of Dr. Shah yesterday evening.
Arrived with 4 pages of notes just in case I needed them.
He wants to discuss feelings. Or rather, he would prefer to discuss feelings but if I want to waste away the time complaining about what Scarlett has done or said, well as the man said - this is your dime.
You want feelings? I got your feelings. Right here. How about frustration? Anger? Pissed off? And I can add one more to the list. A feeling of being overwhelmed by the sheer idiocy of having to deal with someone who seems to have a child's comprehension of what is going on. How's them apples for feelings?
He zeroed in on overwhelming.
I asked him if he'd ever heard the line about dealing with women. He said he wasn't sure what I was talking about so I told him that there are two ways to deal with women.
Neither of them work.
He offered up what Nietzsche had said about dealing with women. In one hand you have a bouquet of flowers and in the other a whip.
Sounds about right to me.
So why am I feeling overwhelmed? Well, primarily because Scarlett either can't or does not want to, understand some/most of what is going on, what the ramifications of some of her decisions could be, the consequences for her etc.
Why should I care I'm asked?
Lookit - I do have her best interests at heart. I can see her stepping in front of a bus and it's just in my nature to want to reach out and pull her back.
Why?
Uh. Force of habit? Because that's what I've been having to do for years?
So you're mad at Scarlett because she doesn't understand a lot of things. Things that you have protected her from. Over protected her I imagine. Don't you think it wise to allow people to fail? Fall down? Make mistakes? How else do you learn?
Damn it! I hate the way this conversation is going. Yes. I agree with all of that. But. I disagree a tiny bit with the idea that I was over protecting her. I was also trying to protect me.
From what? It sounds like you're catastrophizing things. Can you give me an example of anything she did that would support what you're saying.
Uh. Um. No I cannot but that in no way diminishes what I knew she was capable of and what I could possibly be liable for due to the fact that we were/are married.
You need to let her fail. Look. There are only two possibilities here. Either she has always had a loose grasp on reality - or - she has been too well protected from it. And based on our conversations I highly suspect it's the latter.
Fuck.
So we batted this around for awhile, none of which reverses the histrionic/borderline behavior of Scarlett though it does cast a little different light on some of my own angst. Like...I'm the primary cause of my own suffering here.
Grrr.
As I walked out to my car I was thinking about all of this. I guess it's true what they say.
The road to hell IS paved with good intentions.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Good guys do finish last.
Nothing like having it pointed out to you that at times you can be your own worst enemy even though your thoughts, intents, desires and what not were all focused on what you perceived to be the best for all involved.
Arrived with 4 pages of notes just in case I needed them.
He wants to discuss feelings. Or rather, he would prefer to discuss feelings but if I want to waste away the time complaining about what Scarlett has done or said, well as the man said - this is your dime.
You want feelings? I got your feelings. Right here. How about frustration? Anger? Pissed off? And I can add one more to the list. A feeling of being overwhelmed by the sheer idiocy of having to deal with someone who seems to have a child's comprehension of what is going on. How's them apples for feelings?
He zeroed in on overwhelming.
I asked him if he'd ever heard the line about dealing with women. He said he wasn't sure what I was talking about so I told him that there are two ways to deal with women.
Neither of them work.
He offered up what Nietzsche had said about dealing with women. In one hand you have a bouquet of flowers and in the other a whip.
Sounds about right to me.
So why am I feeling overwhelmed? Well, primarily because Scarlett either can't or does not want to, understand some/most of what is going on, what the ramifications of some of her decisions could be, the consequences for her etc.
Why should I care I'm asked?
Lookit - I do have her best interests at heart. I can see her stepping in front of a bus and it's just in my nature to want to reach out and pull her back.
Why?
Uh. Force of habit? Because that's what I've been having to do for years?
So you're mad at Scarlett because she doesn't understand a lot of things. Things that you have protected her from. Over protected her I imagine. Don't you think it wise to allow people to fail? Fall down? Make mistakes? How else do you learn?
Damn it! I hate the way this conversation is going. Yes. I agree with all of that. But. I disagree a tiny bit with the idea that I was over protecting her. I was also trying to protect me.
From what? It sounds like you're catastrophizing things. Can you give me an example of anything she did that would support what you're saying.
Uh. Um. No I cannot but that in no way diminishes what I knew she was capable of and what I could possibly be liable for due to the fact that we were/are married.
You need to let her fail. Look. There are only two possibilities here. Either she has always had a loose grasp on reality - or - she has been too well protected from it. And based on our conversations I highly suspect it's the latter.
Fuck.
So we batted this around for awhile, none of which reverses the histrionic/borderline behavior of Scarlett though it does cast a little different light on some of my own angst. Like...I'm the primary cause of my own suffering here.
Grrr.
As I walked out to my car I was thinking about all of this. I guess it's true what they say.
The road to hell IS paved with good intentions.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Good guys do finish last.
Nothing like having it pointed out to you that at times you can be your own worst enemy even though your thoughts, intents, desires and what not were all focused on what you perceived to be the best for all involved.
Huh?
Another week and more stuff to deal with. A lot of it unnecessary in my opinion but as I've learned over the course of this continuing odyssey, my opinions don't always count for much.
Our attorneys met and agreed on a date for a mandatory mediation meeting - early next year. I'd been forewarned on this possibility, apparently Scarlett had not. So item #1 (and like a lot of statistics I'm just making up the numbering as I go along) on my list of stuff was dealing with her sadness and madness over "making" her be at Tara over Christmas. Though I knew it would do no good, I said that I can't "make her" do anything. Well, if she had the money, RIGHT NOW, she could go out and secure another place is what I'm told. True enough. But, and again I've been down this road before, that requires delving into details that we do not have yet. And of course that naturally leads to a rendition of the 50/50 chorus.
Item #2 was the subject of bifurcation. My attorney informed me that Scarlett had told her attorney that she wanted to pursue this action. I also discovered that I can not really object to it though my only reasons for doing so would be tax and insurance related. Nevertheless, my attorney told the other side that we would not be objecting to this (since we can't anyway) but was his client (Scarlett) aware that once granted she would need to secure her own insurance and that in 2018 taxes would be filed as Single. Well, said Scarlett's barrister, I've tried to explain that to her but I'm not sure she understands. Okay then. Moving on.....
Item #3 was then the subject of alimony aka "support". We were also informed that Scarlett had instructed her attorney to pursue this order. And again, my side is fine with that. However. Is your client aware (Scarlett) that once my client (Salty) begins making alimony payments that everything else (not entirely true but close enough) he has been paying will cease? Excuse a moment while I copy and paste.....Well, said Scarlett's barrister, I've tried to explain that to her but I'm not sure she understands.
Anyone else detecting a pattern?
And that leads to item #4 - a long, confusing phone call from Scarlett to go over items 2 and 3. As to bifurcation she stated her intent to pursue this and then told me that nothing would change. Huh.
Nothing? You mean of course except that we would be divorced?
Yes but nothing would change and you would still be paying for my health insurance.
And why would I be doing that? A divorced couple cannot be on the same policy and therefore we would be required to get our own policies.
I can't afford insurance! Are you going to fight me on this?
Not fighting you just explaining the facts.
And so she moved to item 3 - alimony. Except, and this is only my theory, I believe her attorney has been referring to this as "support" which has confused Scarlett.
I just want to warn you that I've asked my attorney to get support for me.
So I'm aware.
Well, you know what that means?
Yes I do. Do you?
Well, I don't have any income. I can't work. And I need money.
I'll put aside whether or not you can work for now. Yes, alimony means that I would be sending you a check for some amount every month. Do you know what else it means?
Huh? What?
It also means that virtually everything else I'm paying for right now will stop.
Why?
What do you mean "why"?
Oh I see. You're going to fight me on this too!
I'm not fighting. But can I ask a question?
Go ahead.
Why are you so fucking dense?
And click went the phone.
Not surprisingly, Scarlett has decided to not pursue bifurcation this year though I have no clue about the alimony issue at this point.
So, moving on.....
Had a storm of texts from her yesterday (I hate texting btw) that started off fairly normal and innocuous but as usual in virtually any form of dialogue with her, eventually went downhill.
I'd picked up Salty Dog the night before because she was having some back issues and wasn't sure she could take care of him. While there I performed a few tasks for her. So now she wants to know why I keep doing things for her.
Because I'm a nice guy.
No. There has to be more to it than that. I think you're not sure you want this divorce. You don't want to cut me loose. You feel guilty. That's why you're always doing things for me.
Uh, no. The guilt thing is pretty much gone. Dead and buried. Now, I do have compassion and concern but really that's as far as it goes.
Well....I should've seen this coming but it'd been awhile. I was then treated to numerous texts about her being old. Broken. Alone. Lonely. That's how the rest of her life will be. I tried being philosophical with her by saying that just as you shouldn't go to the store while hungry, neither should you try and divine your future while in pain.
That was met with a "huh"?
This continued on for another 15- 20 minutes until I just had to stop it.
Surprisingly I wasn't bothered the remainder of the day.
And then there was the meeting with Dr. Shah. But that is a post for later.
Our attorneys met and agreed on a date for a mandatory mediation meeting - early next year. I'd been forewarned on this possibility, apparently Scarlett had not. So item #1 (and like a lot of statistics I'm just making up the numbering as I go along) on my list of stuff was dealing with her sadness and madness over "making" her be at Tara over Christmas. Though I knew it would do no good, I said that I can't "make her" do anything. Well, if she had the money, RIGHT NOW, she could go out and secure another place is what I'm told. True enough. But, and again I've been down this road before, that requires delving into details that we do not have yet. And of course that naturally leads to a rendition of the 50/50 chorus.
Item #2 was the subject of bifurcation. My attorney informed me that Scarlett had told her attorney that she wanted to pursue this action. I also discovered that I can not really object to it though my only reasons for doing so would be tax and insurance related. Nevertheless, my attorney told the other side that we would not be objecting to this (since we can't anyway) but was his client (Scarlett) aware that once granted she would need to secure her own insurance and that in 2018 taxes would be filed as Single. Well, said Scarlett's barrister, I've tried to explain that to her but I'm not sure she understands. Okay then. Moving on.....
Item #3 was then the subject of alimony aka "support". We were also informed that Scarlett had instructed her attorney to pursue this order. And again, my side is fine with that. However. Is your client aware (Scarlett) that once my client (Salty) begins making alimony payments that everything else (not entirely true but close enough) he has been paying will cease? Excuse a moment while I copy and paste.....Well, said Scarlett's barrister, I've tried to explain that to her but I'm not sure she understands.
Anyone else detecting a pattern?
And that leads to item #4 - a long, confusing phone call from Scarlett to go over items 2 and 3. As to bifurcation she stated her intent to pursue this and then told me that nothing would change. Huh.
Nothing? You mean of course except that we would be divorced?
Yes but nothing would change and you would still be paying for my health insurance.
And why would I be doing that? A divorced couple cannot be on the same policy and therefore we would be required to get our own policies.
I can't afford insurance! Are you going to fight me on this?
Not fighting you just explaining the facts.
And so she moved to item 3 - alimony. Except, and this is only my theory, I believe her attorney has been referring to this as "support" which has confused Scarlett.
I just want to warn you that I've asked my attorney to get support for me.
So I'm aware.
Well, you know what that means?
Yes I do. Do you?
Well, I don't have any income. I can't work. And I need money.
I'll put aside whether or not you can work for now. Yes, alimony means that I would be sending you a check for some amount every month. Do you know what else it means?
Huh? What?
It also means that virtually everything else I'm paying for right now will stop.
Why?
What do you mean "why"?
Oh I see. You're going to fight me on this too!
I'm not fighting. But can I ask a question?
Go ahead.
Why are you so fucking dense?
And click went the phone.
Not surprisingly, Scarlett has decided to not pursue bifurcation this year though I have no clue about the alimony issue at this point.
So, moving on.....
Had a storm of texts from her yesterday (I hate texting btw) that started off fairly normal and innocuous but as usual in virtually any form of dialogue with her, eventually went downhill.
I'd picked up Salty Dog the night before because she was having some back issues and wasn't sure she could take care of him. While there I performed a few tasks for her. So now she wants to know why I keep doing things for her.
Because I'm a nice guy.
No. There has to be more to it than that. I think you're not sure you want this divorce. You don't want to cut me loose. You feel guilty. That's why you're always doing things for me.
Uh, no. The guilt thing is pretty much gone. Dead and buried. Now, I do have compassion and concern but really that's as far as it goes.
Well....I should've seen this coming but it'd been awhile. I was then treated to numerous texts about her being old. Broken. Alone. Lonely. That's how the rest of her life will be. I tried being philosophical with her by saying that just as you shouldn't go to the store while hungry, neither should you try and divine your future while in pain.
That was met with a "huh"?
This continued on for another 15- 20 minutes until I just had to stop it.
Surprisingly I wasn't bothered the remainder of the day.
And then there was the meeting with Dr. Shah. But that is a post for later.
Saturday, October 21, 2017
Wash Day
And while I'm on the subject of Cluster B's.....
Salty Dog was in need of a bath yesterday. So off to Tara I went to help Scarlett do the deed. I wouldn't subject myself to this for just anybody but Salty Dog is worth it.
So I get over there and while we're sudsing him down Scarlett mentions that she's lost 40 pounds. Bully for you I thought. And she further informs me that it's been awhile since I saw her in shorts. Quite true. Not anything I really missed. I didn't say that last part, no point in poking the bear as it were.
However, I apparently was not forthcoming with what she wanted to hear. Wow. Imagine that. So Scarlett fires up the narcissist in her and states - "don't I look good" which was more in the form of a question. I kept sudsing Salty Dog and stayed silent. That whole if you can't say something nice thing was going through my head. Undaunted, Scarlett then says "just say yes. Yes you look good dear".
How many times have I played this stupid game? I don't give her the comment or compliment that she's after so she feeds it to me and expects me to parrot it back. Then later she'll use what I said (at her command) as some sort of proof that I really feel that way, think it's true, whatever.
So I mumble something that she takes as a yes. Having accomplished that she then changes subjects to how this ongoing divorce is affecting her. Limbo, emotionally draining, hurtful, she needs this, I have to give her that, don't I know that blah blah blah. Seriously, it's like I'm watching the Scarlett Show. It's all about her. Her needs, her wants, her demands, her emotions, her troubles, her life, her wellbeing, her health, her, her, her.
And who do you suppose she expects to take care of each and everyone of these items? I shake my head in disgust, wonderment, sadness, anger, angst and...did I mention disgust?
At least Salty Dog got a good bath out of it. He had a good time with all the attention.
And THAT was the most important thing yesterday.
Salty Dog was in need of a bath yesterday. So off to Tara I went to help Scarlett do the deed. I wouldn't subject myself to this for just anybody but Salty Dog is worth it.
So I get over there and while we're sudsing him down Scarlett mentions that she's lost 40 pounds. Bully for you I thought. And she further informs me that it's been awhile since I saw her in shorts. Quite true. Not anything I really missed. I didn't say that last part, no point in poking the bear as it were.
However, I apparently was not forthcoming with what she wanted to hear. Wow. Imagine that. So Scarlett fires up the narcissist in her and states - "don't I look good" which was more in the form of a question. I kept sudsing Salty Dog and stayed silent. That whole if you can't say something nice thing was going through my head. Undaunted, Scarlett then says "just say yes. Yes you look good dear".
How many times have I played this stupid game? I don't give her the comment or compliment that she's after so she feeds it to me and expects me to parrot it back. Then later she'll use what I said (at her command) as some sort of proof that I really feel that way, think it's true, whatever.
So I mumble something that she takes as a yes. Having accomplished that she then changes subjects to how this ongoing divorce is affecting her. Limbo, emotionally draining, hurtful, she needs this, I have to give her that, don't I know that blah blah blah. Seriously, it's like I'm watching the Scarlett Show. It's all about her. Her needs, her wants, her demands, her emotions, her troubles, her life, her wellbeing, her health, her, her, her.
And who do you suppose she expects to take care of each and everyone of these items? I shake my head in disgust, wonderment, sadness, anger, angst and...did I mention disgust?
At least Salty Dog got a good bath out of it. He had a good time with all the attention.
And THAT was the most important thing yesterday.
“What do you want?"
"Just coffee. Black - like my soul.” ― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
Had my weekly coffee break with the Shah this past Thursday. He'd tell you that that hour is a session, therapy or something along those lines. I prefer to think of it as a coffee break. I have coffee, it's a break from what passes as a normal routine right now, ergo - coffee break.
So while I was enjoying a splendid cup of 100% Kona we (well me actually) attempted to delve into the swamp, maelstrom, minefield, no man's land of these things called feelings. I am told that's a good thing. It's healthy. Yeah. The jury is still out on that as far as I'm concerned. But I had my coffee and I wasn't going anywhere so what the hell, let's see how this goes I thought.
I've had two main feelings for the past, I don't know how many, years. At least in regards to Scarlett. Anger and frustration. I've attempted to deal with these in various forms at various times. I've tried honest, no holds barred discussions with her, I've tried ignoring them as best I can, bitching and moaning to someone else, laughing at her (THAT one always sounded better in my head then it turned out as in real life) and just removing myself from the situation for a period of time.
The stinking lousy thing about feelings is that they seem to dog your tracks. No matter where you go, there they are. It's like they know where you're going before you get there and once you arrive, there they are to greet you. Hi. We've been waiting for you. Hotel California with no need of the bricks and mortar. Sigh.
So I explained to the good doctor (Shah) why I thought I had these feelings. Feel like a lot of times I'm just being used, or played or taken advantage of. I've also compared myself to a donkey, mule, horse, ox...choose your draft animal, with an ATM stuck on my rear end. And none, not a one of those, seems to have receded in the past year plus. If anything, it seems as though Scarlett is putting even more pressure on. And when I say it seems as though, what I mean by that is that she is. Just sounds a little better I think if I leave some room for giving her the benefit of the doubt. Of which I have none.
Anyway, I guide him through the tax return gauntlet that I just recently ran, marveling at how no matter what I did, above and beyond for her, she would not for days consent to sign something. Something that was not going to work against her in any shape or form. Though that's not what her conspiracy theories were telling her. And at the end of this I tell him that I don't know whether I should feel good about what I did for her or if I should instead kick myself in the ass.
I guess things are pretty bad when after being used you wonder if you should or should not be angry with yourself for (once again) allowing that to happen.
Well, given all that plus some of the other stories I have related to him over past coffee breaks, he tells me that anyone who was subjected to what I have been would be furious. My anger and frustration are (in his opinion) fully justified. And that is nice to hear.
The jury is still out on this feeling stuff though. Just one of the many benefits and parting gifts when dealing with a cluster B I imagine. Sigh. I need another cup.
Monday, October 16, 2017
What Ben said
Benjamin Franklin said the only things certain in life are death and taxes. Mr. Franklin obviously never met Scarlett. Lucky dog.
I can add one more certainty to Ben's duo. Scarlett's complete, no doubt about it, 100%, dead sure, absolute, full to the top, no vacancy, parking lot full, inability to comprehend much of anything above Jr. High level.
The woman never (sadly) ceases to amaze me with her sheer ignorance. And it is a constant source of irritation to see that ignorance cloaked in a sense of self-righteousness mixed with unequal parts hubris, anger, conspiratorial thinking along with a dash of self pity and a smidgen of faux intellectualism.
I picked up our tax returns from my CPA's this past Saturday. We were on extension and the due date is today. They are filed electronically which means that both Scarlett and I need to in essence sign the 8879 permission slip for our CPA's to do just that. Nothing new here, been doing it this way for a number of years now.
My CPA's were even kind enough to run off a 2nd hard copy for Scarlett so that she could look it over and/or give it to her attorney.
So yesterday I took over her copy and the two 8879's for her to sign. Later that day I called to ask whether I could come over and pick them up. That would be fine I was told. Except that once I got there, she was picking through the return (have I mentioned that math and Scarlett are not the best of friends?) with a notepad by her side, and a furrowed brow with squinty eyes. Well, she had a couple of questions.
Truthfully, all she was really doing was going page by page (the return is around 200+ pages) looking for BIG numbers. And she found one. Right next to the word "income". Scarlett must have thought she'd hit the jackpot. FINALLY, she "had me". I was hiding something and she just KNEW it! And there it was in the tax return.
Long story short, I had her call one of the CPA's to have him explain it. In essence it all boiled down to the difference between "gross" and "net". Scarlett isn't real clear, or wasn't, on the definition of "gross".
So, I never did get the signed 8879's yesterday. But we still had one day (today) to go.
Had a call from her this morning. She was on her way to her attorney's office (I wonder why....) but she was lost. She told me where she was and asked if she was going the right way. I said I don't know. You have a stand alone GPS in the car as well as your (stupid) smart phone that also has a GPS. She said Oh, I get it and hung up.
A few minutes later she called again. In tears. I'm lost, I don't know where I am. The GPS on my phone isn't making sense. PLEASE help me. So I got her turned around and headed in the right direction. And I stayed on the phone until she was within feet of her destination.
Nope, didn't end there. About 10 minutes later she calls. Crying. Uncontrollably. I can make out a few words here and there but not enough to figure out what the hell is going on. She finally tells me she couldn't find the building her attorney is in. Went into a parking structure, couldn't get out, probably screamed at some poor attendant, got back on the road, not sure which way she was heading or where she was going. HELP ME.
Which is about what I feel like saying a lot of time. HELP ME getthisfuckingbitchoutofmylife!!!
Anyway, she wants to go home, but not before asking me why am I making her do this. Please see my previous post - A cluster of bees for an explanation of that typical question.
So again, I get her headed where she wants to go (home) and then she wants to know if I can come over and look at her computer and GPS because obviously the problem must lie in one of them. Since I still have those 8879's to retrieve, I consent.
I get over to Tara and lo and behold, nothing is wrong with the computer or her GPS. Wow. I. Was. Shocked. Nothing wrong with those things. Can you beat that? What or where could the problem be? That one's a puzzler. Going to take a lot of cogitating and figgering to get this mystery solved. Where's Sherlock Holmes when you really need him?
Well, I decide to leave that enigma for another day and concentrate on something a bit more time critical - taxes. So I ask her if she has signed the 8879's yet.
I have a couple of questions first.
Okay. What are they?
And she starts back in on what she asked me yesterday that she also talked to the CPA about.
You've got to be kidding me Scarlett.
No, I don't understand it. Why does that page (which is really not much more than an obscure form used to calculate the amount of some foreign taxes that can be used as an offset to US taxes) have this income figure but on what you want me to sign it shows something else?
Did I mention her not knowing the difference between gross and net? Oh righty-o I did!
Now I can tell she thinks I am trying to sneak something past her. That's precisely what I was trying to do. Sneak something past her on a tax return that will be filed with the IRS that her attorney could then use against me during this divorce. Yep, that's exactly what I was trying to do. Damn it if she didn't see through that. Curses, foiled again!
Well rather than get bogged down in a discussion that I knew she'd already had with the CPA, I just told her to sign the stuff or not. I just didn't care at that point and I left. An hour or so later, I called to see if she'd signed them. Nope. Still had her questions. So I tried again to answer them but this time added in that if she thinks there's something there she can use against me then she will want that return filed. Until it is filed it is not a legal document. And if it isn't filed, there will be late filing fees, which you Scarlett get to pay and this divorce that you want ASAP will be slowed down even more.
Somewhere in there she decided it would be in her best interests to sign. So back to Tara I went. She signed them. But it wasn't quite over.
That tax return that she had tried to take to her attorney before erupting into tears, remember that? Could I (Salty) take it to his office for her?
Really?
But that's what I did. My hope was to hand deliver it to him and sit down and have a little chat but the drill sergeant who acts as the firm's receptionist at the front desk informed me he wasn't in.
Probably just as well.
Thursday, October 12, 2017
It started out simple enough...
Well it's been a few days so it's time to get some more of the recent events down on virtual paper while they're still relatively fresh in the old noggin.
Scarlett had been fairly quiet and well behaved but there's always a limit to how long that will last. Sometimes it can be measured in weeks, other times days, or even hours. This spell of normalcy lasted for almost 3 weeks. I have no idea really if that's any sort of record. It's just nice while it lasts.
But this past Monday it all changed. Again.
As I mentioned in a previous blog, we had Tara appraised and Scarlett was none to happy with the value that the appraiser gave. That was her beginning topic on Monday. The appraiser (that her attorney chose) didn't know what he was doing. She doesn't like her attorney. Actually what she doesn't like is that he will not tell her what she wants to hear. Somehow that led to a conversation about medical insurance (one that I have had with her numerous times) and how she didn't know how she'd be able to afford it.
Now what's really going on here is not any true worry on her part about whether or not she can afford insurance (she can) but whether buying that as well as paying for her own medical expenses will leave anything for travel. It always comes down to travel....
So she has that fear, and she doesn't feel as though her attorney is doing what he should, and she feels like she has no one in her corner. Personally I feel for her attorney in this because I know exactly what the poor guy is up against. Scarlett changes her mind so often and with such intensity that it gets to the point that you don't want to do anything because you don't know when she will change her mind again.
Anyway, Scarlett now has a fear of being at Tara during Christmas. She wants to be gone. In her own place. But at the same time, contrary to many past discussions, she wants to take Salty Dog with her. Except that she doesn't feel it would be fair to him to take him from the only home he's ever known. A sentiment I share. However, she then goes on to say that Tara is not his home, she is. And so he needs to stay with her. It's also not fair that she has to say goodbye to Tara (but it was okay for me to last year??) So....let me see if I have this straight so far. Scarlett does not want to be at Tara at Christmas (or any other time for that matter now) while at the same time she believes it unfair that she has to say goodbye to it. And on top of that, she wants to take Salty Dog with her even though it's not fair to him to take him away from his home. Sort of. She also made mention of his age, how if he's with her he might have to go downstairs whenever nature called and so he should be at Tara. Except with her. Who doesn't want to be at Tara. Except when she does.
Got it? Yeah, neither do I.
Moving on.....
The following day, after I had gone out to the house to help her find a few items (that were in plain sight) I received a phone call informing me that she did not need my help, she could take care of herself thank you very much.
Whew! What a relief that is! But I couldn't help myself. I had to ask how someone who can take care of themselves couldn't find something that was in plain sight. So silly me asked that question. Rather than answer that question she posed another one. Why was I so angry?
But I'm not angry I told her. Yes you are! Uh, no I'm not. Yes you are, I can tell. You just want to control everything! Uh, no...I had to control most things because you either couldn't or wouldn't.
Note to present/future husbands - probably not what you want to say to the little woman IF your intent is to stay on her good side. I no longer give a flying fuck so I just tell the truth with abandon. But that's just me. Your mileage may vary.
And that brings us to Wednesday.
You know, some days just start off so nice that you really should take that as a warning. Scarlett had nothing planned that day that I knew about which meant that she would be walking Salty Dog and I could stay at the campsite and concentrate on some work matters that had been piling up. Well, that plan worked until early afternoon.
She called, initially to tell me about some dream she'd had but the conversation quickly shifted to the appraiser...again. She had brought in a 2nd appraiser who pegged the value a little higher than the first. Almost like he'd been told to do that. But that's a conspiracy theory for another day. So now Scarlett starts to tell me just how things will be. Almost like she was judge and jury. I let her blather on and at the end of it just said that it's all a game of negotiation and compromise. Well, she'll let a judge decide that! Fine. Truthfully I'd love to see her in court. My sense is that when things started to not go her way that she'd lose it for all to see and neither I nor my attorney would need to waste valuable time convincing the judge that we're dealing with fruit loops here. But I digress.
I ended that call simply because what Scarlett was really looking for was an argument and I didn't feel like playing. So, the field of play shifted to email. Have I mentioned my ambivalence towards technology? Sometimes we are just too easy to reach. Cell phones and email being the two prime culprits. And don't get me started on Facebook or any of the other damn social media sites. Okay, went off on another tangent. But stay tuned for a post on how much I dislike technology! Yes, I do see the irony. Complaining about technology on technology....just because I use it doesn't mean I have to like it =)
So now we're playing dueling emails. Started out simple enough. How many times have I said that?
Scarlett wants to know Why did you do it? Why did you turn my life upside down and make me start over at 60? Why? Just a simple answer. Is it because you stopped loving me? I think I deserve an answer for all that has been done to me over this last year and a half.
Why did I do what?
I did not turn your life upside down and make you start over again at 60. You accomplished that all on your own. Your over reaction, your lack of impulse control, your lack of control over what comes out of your mouth, your scorched earth policy, your rash decision to run to an attorney, changing locks and codes, destroying two safes, draining two accounts, spending sprees, the spreading of vicious rumors, baseless accusations (trolling, gay, pedophile), blaming me, as you've once again done, for WHAT you did to yourself. You think you deserve an awful lot here. How many times have I sat and listened to you tell me how you deserve to know this, be told that, I owe you an answer for blah blah blah....Trouble is, you don't want the truth. What you want is for me to take all the blame. Accept all the responsibility. Prostrate myself and beg for your forgiveness. Beg to come home under any circumstance and subject to any rules, regulations etc. Consign the remainder of my life to living within your dictates. Come back and in essence say that yes all of you were right and that I deserved every god damn fucking thing that was done to me, said about me and taken from me.
I've done very damn little to you over this past year and a half. Certainly far, far less than what, given what has been done to me, you might reasonably expect from virtually anyone else. I've taken the hits, I've taken the punches, I've taken the insults, the rumors, the accusations, the lies presented as fact and what have I done throughout all of it? I've paid the bills, I've come over when requested (most of the time), I've purchased what, 2 round trips to XX? I've kept a credit card in force that for months and months and months you simply abused. But I kept paying the bill. I paid for repairs to your car, your medical expenses. Walmart, Costco, Amazon.
You want someone and something else to blame. You're perfect. You're godly. You're Christian. You're this that and everything else. You were the perfect wife, I was a creep of a husband. I have so many faults and problems I should get down on my knees and thank the good lord that you stuck with me for as long as you did. That's what you believe. Maybe not that you'd ever truly admit it but that's still the truth deep down as far as you seem to be concerned.
My anger gets referenced quite a bit. True enough. Why am I angry, especially when it comes to you? Because there is so damn little I can or could ever really discuss with you. To do so meant that I had to hear your little pity party, you wanted this, it's so unfair, well XXXX, XXXX, XXXXX or whoever the friend of the day was, they get to travel - I want to travel, that's all I ever wanted, and I need attention, I told you that from the very beginning, I'm disabled, I can't work....good fucking grief. It was simpler and far less stressful for me (and I imagine for you too) if I just kept my mouth shut and did what I thought best. Until you got mad at me for doing just that and telling me you wanted to discuss things, that's what married people do and then I'd try. Only to find that it (usually) ended in an argument. Which was the exact reason I didn't want to have the discussion to begin with.
I may not be an easy person to live with but if you think you are then you are delusional. Or maybe you are. Just with everyone else. Oil and water. Bleach and ammonia. Gasoline and sparks. Cats and dogs.
Well the response to that was like a blast from the past. A phone call was made and a voice mail left telling me in no uncertain terms that she wanted the key to Tara back and that I could say goodbye to Salty Dog because I would never see him again.
I relayed to her later 2 things:
1. Did I not mention rash decisions and impulse control?
2. With no key the walking and feeding of Salty Dog will be damn near impossible
Oopsy daisy. She needs me to have a key so that I can accomplish item #2 for her and in response to item #1 her reply was a very godly like STFU.
But it didn't end there. Before the evening was over I stood accused of walking the neighborhood with a girlfriend who had a small white dog. One, this is a baseless accusation (as have been all of her accusations not only in the present day but also in the past) and two, the woman described fits an across the street neighbor to a "T". The mind boggles at the idiocy.
That accusation was eventually put to rest but not before the last vestige of what could have been, and had started out to be, a productive day, was irretrievably lost.
I did not turn your life upside down and make you start over again at 60. You accomplished that all on your own. Your over reaction, your lack of impulse control, your lack of control over what comes out of your mouth, your scorched earth policy, your rash decision to run to an attorney, changing locks and codes, destroying two safes, draining two accounts, spending sprees, the spreading of vicious rumors, baseless accusations (trolling, gay, pedophile), blaming me, as you've once again done, for WHAT you did to yourself. You think you deserve an awful lot here. How many times have I sat and listened to you tell me how you deserve to know this, be told that, I owe you an answer for blah blah blah....Trouble is, you don't want the truth. What you want is for me to take all the blame. Accept all the responsibility. Prostrate myself and beg for your forgiveness. Beg to come home under any circumstance and subject to any rules, regulations etc. Consign the remainder of my life to living within your dictates. Come back and in essence say that yes all of you were right and that I deserved every god damn fucking thing that was done to me, said about me and taken from me.
I've done very damn little to you over this past year and a half. Certainly far, far less than what, given what has been done to me, you might reasonably expect from virtually anyone else. I've taken the hits, I've taken the punches, I've taken the insults, the rumors, the accusations, the lies presented as fact and what have I done throughout all of it? I've paid the bills, I've come over when requested (most of the time), I've purchased what, 2 round trips to XX? I've kept a credit card in force that for months and months and months you simply abused. But I kept paying the bill. I paid for repairs to your car, your medical expenses. Walmart, Costco, Amazon.
You want someone and something else to blame. You're perfect. You're godly. You're Christian. You're this that and everything else. You were the perfect wife, I was a creep of a husband. I have so many faults and problems I should get down on my knees and thank the good lord that you stuck with me for as long as you did. That's what you believe. Maybe not that you'd ever truly admit it but that's still the truth deep down as far as you seem to be concerned.
My anger gets referenced quite a bit. True enough. Why am I angry, especially when it comes to you? Because there is so damn little I can or could ever really discuss with you. To do so meant that I had to hear your little pity party, you wanted this, it's so unfair, well XXXX, XXXX, XXXXX or whoever the friend of the day was, they get to travel - I want to travel, that's all I ever wanted, and I need attention, I told you that from the very beginning, I'm disabled, I can't work....good fucking grief. It was simpler and far less stressful for me (and I imagine for you too) if I just kept my mouth shut and did what I thought best. Until you got mad at me for doing just that and telling me you wanted to discuss things, that's what married people do and then I'd try. Only to find that it (usually) ended in an argument. Which was the exact reason I didn't want to have the discussion to begin with.
I may not be an easy person to live with but if you think you are then you are delusional. Or maybe you are. Just with everyone else. Oil and water. Bleach and ammonia. Gasoline and sparks. Cats and dogs.
Well the response to that was like a blast from the past. A phone call was made and a voice mail left telling me in no uncertain terms that she wanted the key to Tara back and that I could say goodbye to Salty Dog because I would never see him again.
I relayed to her later 2 things:
1. Did I not mention rash decisions and impulse control?
2. With no key the walking and feeding of Salty Dog will be damn near impossible
Oopsy daisy. She needs me to have a key so that I can accomplish item #2 for her and in response to item #1 her reply was a very godly like STFU.
But it didn't end there. Before the evening was over I stood accused of walking the neighborhood with a girlfriend who had a small white dog. One, this is a baseless accusation (as have been all of her accusations not only in the present day but also in the past) and two, the woman described fits an across the street neighbor to a "T". The mind boggles at the idiocy.
That accusation was eventually put to rest but not before the last vestige of what could have been, and had started out to be, a productive day, was irretrievably lost.
Saturday, October 7, 2017
A cluster of bees
I have often described Scarlett as a Cluster B personality. There happen to be 4 sub types in there, for which, based on my years of experience with her, she exhibits qualities of at least 3 of them. Those 4 sub types are (courtesy of Wikipedia):
NARCISSISM:
People with narcissistic personality disorder are characterized by their persistent grandiosity, excessive need for admiration, and a disdain and lack of empathy for others.[7][8] These individuals often display arrogance, a sense of superiority, and power-seeking behaviors.[9] Narcissistic personality disorder is different from having a strong sense of self-confidence; people with NPD typically value themselves over others to the extent that they disregard the feelings and wishes of others and expect to be treated as superior regardless of their actual status or achievements.[7][10] In addition, people with NPD may exhibit fragile egos, an inability to tolerate criticism, and a tendency to belittle others in an attempt to validate their own superiority.
According to the DSM-5, individuals with NPD have most or all of the following symptoms, typically without commensurate qualities or accomplishments:[7][10]
1. Grandiosity with expectations of superior treatment from others
2. Fixated on fantasies of power, success, intelligence, attractiveness, etc.
3. Self-perception of being unique, superior and associated with high-status people and institutions
4. Needing constant admiration from others
5. Sense of entitlement to special treatment and to obedience from others
6. Exploitative of others to achieve personal gain
7. Unwilling to empathize with others' feelings, wishes, or needs
8. Intensely envious of others and the belief that others are equally envious of them
9. Pompous and arrogant demeanor
BORDERLINE:
Borderline personality disorder (BPD), also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder,[6] is a long-term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by unstable relationships with other people, unstable sense of self, and unstable emotions.[3][4] There is often frequent dangerous behavior, a feeling of emptiness, self-harm, and an extreme fear of abandonment.[3] Symptoms may be brought on by seemingly normal events.[3] The behavior typically begins by early adulthood, and occurs across a variety of situations.[4] Substance abuse, depression, and eating disorders are commonly associated with BPD.[3] BPD increases the risk of self-harm and 10% of people affected die by suicide
Borderline personality disorder may be characterized by the following signs and symptoms:
• Markedly disturbed sense of identity
• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment and extreme reactions to such
• Splitting ("black-and-white" thinking)
• Impulsivity and impulsive or dangerous behaviours
• Intense or uncontrollable emotional reactions that often seem disproportionate to the event or situation
• Unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships
• Self-damaging behavior
• Distorted self-image[3]
• Dissociation
• Frequently accompanied by depression, anxiety, anger, substance abuse, or rage
HISTRIONIC:
People with HPD are usually high-functioning, both socially and professionally. They usually have good social skills, despite tending to use them to manipulate others into making them the center of attention.[4] HPD may also affect a person's social and/or romantic relationships, as well as their ability to cope with losses or failures. They may seek treatment for clinical depression when romantic (or other close personal) relationships end.[citation needed]
Individuals with HPD often fail to see their own personal situation realistically, instead dramatizing and exaggerating their difficulties. They may go through frequent job changes, as they become easily bored and may prefer withdrawing from frustration (instead of facing it). Because they tend to crave novelty and excitement, they may place themselves in risky situations. All of these factors may lead to greater risk of developing clinical depression.[5]
Additional characteristics may include:
• Exhibitionist behavior
• Constant seeking of reassurance or approval
• Excessive sensitivity to criticism or disapproval
• Pride of own personality and unwillingness to change, viewing any change as a threat
• Inappropriately seductive appearance or behavior of a sexual nature
• Using somatic symptoms (of physical illness) to garner attention
• A need to be the center of attention
• Low tolerance for frustration or delayed gratification
• Rapidly shifting emotional states that may appear superficial or exaggerated to others
• Tendency to believe that relationships are more intimate than they actually are
• Making rash decisions[4]
• Blaming personal failures or disappointments on others
• Being easily influenced by others, especially those who treat them approvingly
• Being overly dramatic and emotional[6]
Some people with histrionic traits or personality disorder change their seduction technique into a more maternal or paternal style as they age
ANTISOCIAL:
Antisocial personality disorder is defined by a pervasive and persistent disregard for morals, social norms, and the rights and feelings of others.[1] Individuals with this personality disorder will typically have no compunction in exploiting others in harmful ways for their own gain or pleasure, and frequently manipulate and deceive other people, achieving this through wit and a facade of superficial charm, or through intimidation and violence. They may display arrogance and think lowly and negatively of others, and lack remorse for their harmful actions and have a callous attitude to those they have harmed.[1][2] Irresponsibility is a core characteristic of this disorder: they can have significant difficulties in maintaining stable employment as well as fulfilling their social and financial obligations, and people with this disorder often lead exploitative, unlawful, or parasitic lifestyles.[1][2][9][10]
Those with antisocial personality disorder are often impulsive and reckless, failing to consider or disregarding the consequences of their actions. They may repeatedly disregard and jeopardize their own safety and the safety of others, and place themselves and others in danger.[1][2] They are often aggressive and hostile and display a disregulated temper, and can lash out violently with provocation or frustration.[1][10] Individuals are prone to substance abuse and addiction, and the abuse of various psychoactive substances is common in this population. These behaviors lead such individuals into frequent conflict with the law, and many people with ASPD have extensive histories of antisocial behavior and criminal infractions stemming back before adulthood.[1][2][9][10]
Serious problems with interpersonal relationships are often seen in those with the disorder. Attachments and emotional bonds are weak, and interpersonal relationships often revolve around the manipulation, exploitation and abuse of others.[1] While they generally have no problems in establishing relationships, they may have difficulties in sustaining and maintaining them.[9] Relationships with family members and relatives are often strained due to their behavior and the frequent problems that these individuals may get into.
I've highlighted those traits in Scarlett that I have seen and experienced the most. Now granted, there are certainly times and instances wherein most everyone has exhibited some of these behaviors. The key however is whether these behaviors/thoughts are common enough that the individual becomes *known* by them. "Oh, that's just Sarah, you know how she is" is the type of thinking I'm referring to here.
So by my admittedly simplistic and wholly unprofessional categorization system, I've determined that Scarlett's personality is composed of :
6/9ths Narcissism (66.67%)
1/2 Borderline (50.00%)
11/14ths Histrionic (78.57%)
For the math impaired, that equals 195.24%. Which can't be, well maybe it can since she believes herself to be special and unique....but let's simplify things a little and say that she is likely 45% Histrionic, 30% Narcissistic and 25% Borderline.
Truthfully, no matter what the percentages are, it's still not a good outcome for Scarlett or for those around her.
So now what? Well, knowing your opponent may not be half the battle but it's helpful nonetheless. Just being aware of what you're up against can serve as a guide for what to say, what information to dispense or withhold, the best manner in which to react to their antics (though that can be a tough one to adhere to) and in general how to approach them. I think it also spells out very clearly that being anywhere near this individual can and likely will be hazardous to your mental and physical health. Stress does things to the body that we all could do without.
NARCISSISM:
People with narcissistic personality disorder are characterized by their persistent grandiosity, excessive need for admiration, and a disdain and lack of empathy for others.[7][8] These individuals often display arrogance, a sense of superiority, and power-seeking behaviors.[9] Narcissistic personality disorder is different from having a strong sense of self-confidence; people with NPD typically value themselves over others to the extent that they disregard the feelings and wishes of others and expect to be treated as superior regardless of their actual status or achievements.[7][10] In addition, people with NPD may exhibit fragile egos, an inability to tolerate criticism, and a tendency to belittle others in an attempt to validate their own superiority.
According to the DSM-5, individuals with NPD have most or all of the following symptoms, typically without commensurate qualities or accomplishments:[7][10]
1. Grandiosity with expectations of superior treatment from others
2. Fixated on fantasies of power, success, intelligence, attractiveness, etc.
3. Self-perception of being unique, superior and associated with high-status people and institutions
4. Needing constant admiration from others
5. Sense of entitlement to special treatment and to obedience from others
6. Exploitative of others to achieve personal gain
7. Unwilling to empathize with others' feelings, wishes, or needs
8. Intensely envious of others and the belief that others are equally envious of them
9. Pompous and arrogant demeanor
BORDERLINE:
Borderline personality disorder (BPD), also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder,[6] is a long-term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by unstable relationships with other people, unstable sense of self, and unstable emotions.[3][4] There is often frequent dangerous behavior, a feeling of emptiness, self-harm, and an extreme fear of abandonment.[3] Symptoms may be brought on by seemingly normal events.[3] The behavior typically begins by early adulthood, and occurs across a variety of situations.[4] Substance abuse, depression, and eating disorders are commonly associated with BPD.[3] BPD increases the risk of self-harm and 10% of people affected die by suicide
Borderline personality disorder may be characterized by the following signs and symptoms:
• Markedly disturbed sense of identity
• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment and extreme reactions to such
• Splitting ("black-and-white" thinking)
• Impulsivity and impulsive or dangerous behaviours
• Intense or uncontrollable emotional reactions that often seem disproportionate to the event or situation
• Unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships
• Self-damaging behavior
• Distorted self-image[3]
• Dissociation
• Frequently accompanied by depression, anxiety, anger, substance abuse, or rage
HISTRIONIC:
People with HPD are usually high-functioning, both socially and professionally. They usually have good social skills, despite tending to use them to manipulate others into making them the center of attention.[4] HPD may also affect a person's social and/or romantic relationships, as well as their ability to cope with losses or failures. They may seek treatment for clinical depression when romantic (or other close personal) relationships end.[citation needed]
Individuals with HPD often fail to see their own personal situation realistically, instead dramatizing and exaggerating their difficulties. They may go through frequent job changes, as they become easily bored and may prefer withdrawing from frustration (instead of facing it). Because they tend to crave novelty and excitement, they may place themselves in risky situations. All of these factors may lead to greater risk of developing clinical depression.[5]
Additional characteristics may include:
• Exhibitionist behavior
• Constant seeking of reassurance or approval
• Excessive sensitivity to criticism or disapproval
• Pride of own personality and unwillingness to change, viewing any change as a threat
• Inappropriately seductive appearance or behavior of a sexual nature
• Using somatic symptoms (of physical illness) to garner attention
• A need to be the center of attention
• Low tolerance for frustration or delayed gratification
• Rapidly shifting emotional states that may appear superficial or exaggerated to others
• Tendency to believe that relationships are more intimate than they actually are
• Making rash decisions[4]
• Blaming personal failures or disappointments on others
• Being easily influenced by others, especially those who treat them approvingly
• Being overly dramatic and emotional[6]
Some people with histrionic traits or personality disorder change their seduction technique into a more maternal or paternal style as they age
ANTISOCIAL:
Antisocial personality disorder is defined by a pervasive and persistent disregard for morals, social norms, and the rights and feelings of others.[1] Individuals with this personality disorder will typically have no compunction in exploiting others in harmful ways for their own gain or pleasure, and frequently manipulate and deceive other people, achieving this through wit and a facade of superficial charm, or through intimidation and violence. They may display arrogance and think lowly and negatively of others, and lack remorse for their harmful actions and have a callous attitude to those they have harmed.[1][2] Irresponsibility is a core characteristic of this disorder: they can have significant difficulties in maintaining stable employment as well as fulfilling their social and financial obligations, and people with this disorder often lead exploitative, unlawful, or parasitic lifestyles.[1][2][9][10]
Those with antisocial personality disorder are often impulsive and reckless, failing to consider or disregarding the consequences of their actions. They may repeatedly disregard and jeopardize their own safety and the safety of others, and place themselves and others in danger.[1][2] They are often aggressive and hostile and display a disregulated temper, and can lash out violently with provocation or frustration.[1][10] Individuals are prone to substance abuse and addiction, and the abuse of various psychoactive substances is common in this population. These behaviors lead such individuals into frequent conflict with the law, and many people with ASPD have extensive histories of antisocial behavior and criminal infractions stemming back before adulthood.[1][2][9][10]
Serious problems with interpersonal relationships are often seen in those with the disorder. Attachments and emotional bonds are weak, and interpersonal relationships often revolve around the manipulation, exploitation and abuse of others.[1] While they generally have no problems in establishing relationships, they may have difficulties in sustaining and maintaining them.[9] Relationships with family members and relatives are often strained due to their behavior and the frequent problems that these individuals may get into.
I've highlighted those traits in Scarlett that I have seen and experienced the most. Now granted, there are certainly times and instances wherein most everyone has exhibited some of these behaviors. The key however is whether these behaviors/thoughts are common enough that the individual becomes *known* by them. "Oh, that's just Sarah, you know how she is" is the type of thinking I'm referring to here.
So by my admittedly simplistic and wholly unprofessional categorization system, I've determined that Scarlett's personality is composed of :
6/9ths Narcissism (66.67%)
1/2 Borderline (50.00%)
11/14ths Histrionic (78.57%)
For the math impaired, that equals 195.24%. Which can't be, well maybe it can since she believes herself to be special and unique....but let's simplify things a little and say that she is likely 45% Histrionic, 30% Narcissistic and 25% Borderline.
Truthfully, no matter what the percentages are, it's still not a good outcome for Scarlett or for those around her.
So now what? Well, knowing your opponent may not be half the battle but it's helpful nonetheless. Just being aware of what you're up against can serve as a guide for what to say, what information to dispense or withhold, the best manner in which to react to their antics (though that can be a tough one to adhere to) and in general how to approach them. I think it also spells out very clearly that being anywhere near this individual can and likely will be hazardous to your mental and physical health. Stress does things to the body that we all could do without.
Wednesday, October 4, 2017
Bunnies
Sometimes I find myself in awe of the ability of the PD's to keep going day after day after day. Much like the Energizer bunny. Only not as nice.
Scarlett has been on a mini rant the past couple of days focused on someone whom she believes is the source of all conflict. Not just here and now but from day one. Now, this is hardly the first of these battles that I've fought, though it wasn't until just a bit over a year ago that I was told "who" the problem was, why and what a SOB I was.
Wow. Scarlett can remember something that didn't happen 30+ years ago yet has difficulty remembering where her keys, her purse, her glasses are...
Are my glasses in my purse? Where's my purse? Did I leave it in the restaurant? What restaurant did I go to? Was that today or yesterday? What day is it today? Am I supposed to be somewhere now? What was I looking for? Oh yeah, my phone. I think it's with my glasses. Where are they? Oh I know they're in my purse. I think. Where are my keys? In the car? Did I take the car somewhere? Where did I go? Oh yeah, a restaurant. I think. What did I have to eat? Did I pay? I'm getting hungry. What's in the refrig? Shoot, I'm out of _______ guess I better go to the store. Let me just get my keys. Hey! Where are my keys? Damn dog, it's all his fault. Oh there's the remote. I was looking for that. Good. Now I can watch some TV. Wait. Am I going somewhere? Yeah. A restaurant. Meeting....who? I forgot. Well they probably forgot too and anyway they can always call me. Where's my phone? I just had it!! Or was that in the restaurant? SALTY!!!!! Crap. I kicked him out. He's not even here and it's his fault. Well his and that damn dog of his. It's his fault too! Bad dog!! Get out. Go. Shoo shoo shoo. How am I going to do this? How dare he have friends in high school!! Who keeps in touch with them anyway? That's not what he was doing. I know. Intuition. I should call him and give him a piece of my mind. Yeah, that's what I should do! Where's that phone? Oh yeah, it's with my keys. And I put my keys.....damnit dog I told you to get out!
And on it goes.
Anyway, Scarlett has it all figured out. At least as far as she is concerned. Except that is when she needs me to do something. I think I'm detecting a pattern here, but I digress.
Salty dog had need of a vet appointment. Now I don't mind taking him but these things usually work better for all involved when the person who has noticed and dealt with whatever the issue/problem is is in attendance. Poor Scarlett. She had this class to try and learn how to use her phone and it's not like those classes are held everyday (oh wait they are) and so Salty Dog and I went to see our favorite vet. He knows the drill by now. I show up with Salty Dog and then attempt to explain to him what Scarlett has tried to tell me. And together we figure out that Scarlett is either a loon or has created the problem that Salty Dog is having pretty much by her....not neglect but thinking she knows better than the vet as to how often he should have certain meds.
Anyway, the point of all of this is simply that the PD's seem to have an ability to keep on keeping on while those of us who are nonPD's have to sit down every once in awhile and try and make sense of all the foolishness that we've been subjected to.
So if this particular post sounds a bit disjoint, that might be why.
Scarlett has been on a mini rant the past couple of days focused on someone whom she believes is the source of all conflict. Not just here and now but from day one. Now, this is hardly the first of these battles that I've fought, though it wasn't until just a bit over a year ago that I was told "who" the problem was, why and what a SOB I was.
Wow. Scarlett can remember something that didn't happen 30+ years ago yet has difficulty remembering where her keys, her purse, her glasses are...
Are my glasses in my purse? Where's my purse? Did I leave it in the restaurant? What restaurant did I go to? Was that today or yesterday? What day is it today? Am I supposed to be somewhere now? What was I looking for? Oh yeah, my phone. I think it's with my glasses. Where are they? Oh I know they're in my purse. I think. Where are my keys? In the car? Did I take the car somewhere? Where did I go? Oh yeah, a restaurant. I think. What did I have to eat? Did I pay? I'm getting hungry. What's in the refrig? Shoot, I'm out of _______ guess I better go to the store. Let me just get my keys. Hey! Where are my keys? Damn dog, it's all his fault. Oh there's the remote. I was looking for that. Good. Now I can watch some TV. Wait. Am I going somewhere? Yeah. A restaurant. Meeting....who? I forgot. Well they probably forgot too and anyway they can always call me. Where's my phone? I just had it!! Or was that in the restaurant? SALTY!!!!! Crap. I kicked him out. He's not even here and it's his fault. Well his and that damn dog of his. It's his fault too! Bad dog!! Get out. Go. Shoo shoo shoo. How am I going to do this? How dare he have friends in high school!! Who keeps in touch with them anyway? That's not what he was doing. I know. Intuition. I should call him and give him a piece of my mind. Yeah, that's what I should do! Where's that phone? Oh yeah, it's with my keys. And I put my keys.....damnit dog I told you to get out!
And on it goes.
Anyway, Scarlett has it all figured out. At least as far as she is concerned. Except that is when she needs me to do something. I think I'm detecting a pattern here, but I digress.
Salty dog had need of a vet appointment. Now I don't mind taking him but these things usually work better for all involved when the person who has noticed and dealt with whatever the issue/problem is is in attendance. Poor Scarlett. She had this class to try and learn how to use her phone and it's not like those classes are held everyday (oh wait they are) and so Salty Dog and I went to see our favorite vet. He knows the drill by now. I show up with Salty Dog and then attempt to explain to him what Scarlett has tried to tell me. And together we figure out that Scarlett is either a loon or has created the problem that Salty Dog is having pretty much by her....not neglect but thinking she knows better than the vet as to how often he should have certain meds.
Anyway, the point of all of this is simply that the PD's seem to have an ability to keep on keeping on while those of us who are nonPD's have to sit down every once in awhile and try and make sense of all the foolishness that we've been subjected to.
So if this particular post sounds a bit disjoint, that might be why.
Tuesday, October 3, 2017
NOYDB
Did you ever have one of those WTF did I do now moments? Yeah, I didn't think I was alone here!
Spent some time at Fog Beach this past Saturday watching an airshow, playing with Salty Dog and examining Tara just to update my mental list of what I'll need to do when I finally reclaim the house. Scarlett was gone when I first arrived but showed up in the afternoon. Lately (past 3, 4 maybe a little more, weeks) she's been easier to deal with, MUCH easier as a matter of fact and Saturday was no exception.
Sunday I stuck around the campsite trying to unbury myself on work items, but did have one conversation with her, think it had something to do with Salty Dog but the point is that it was all a very normal, adult like conversation.
Then Monday rolled around. Started out okay, Scarlett had a couple of requests of me that were easy enough to take care of, nothing big or onerous and I was happy to oblige. She's trying to stay on the friendly side of me for her reasons and I'm trying to do the same for my own. Nothing necessarily wrong or underhanded with that, it just is what it is.
Anyway, one of the things she needed required me to put the item in my car and take it over. No problem. I can play with Salty Dog while I'm there and there were some things in the garage that I needed. So that's what I did. Get over there, play with Salty Dog, exchange some fairly innocuous conversational banter with Scarlett and I then prepare to leave.
For reasons only Scarlett would know, she choose that moment to try and start a very different conversation.
Are you dating anyone?
Huh? No.
Are you talking to anyone?
Not today.......
Are you talking to her? You're talking to her again aren't you? God, I don't care who you talk to, just not her! She's a bad seed! She will destroy you! Don't talk to her! Do you hear me? Don't talk to her!!
Uh, yeah. And why is any of that your business?
Well I'll just take that as a yes.
You should take it as a "why is that any of your business" but whatever. Thanks for the heads up. Duly noted.
She destroyed her first two marriages. She ruined ours! She will destroy you.
Now, at this point I really wanted to point out that the only person who "ruined our marriage" was the person I was standing in front of, looking at and listening to.
However, I've been down that road before. Trust me, it leads nowhere.
So I again said thanks for the heads up, I'll take that into consideration.
Friends help friends like this!
If you say so (and I started again for my car)
Scarlett called me twice shortly after I'd left. The first call she hung up due to some phone issues but on the second call she reiterated her belief that I should not talk to "her". I'll be destroyed (really, like life with you hasn't done any damage to me whatsoever...), she's a bad seed (something tells me the sermon she listened to on Sunday had that as a bullet point), she's destroyed two marriages (now that point is factually inaccurate but Scarlett states it as though she were there and knows all the details...when in fact she knows absolutely nothing). Anyway, she went on pretty much repeating herself. I finally decided that Scarlett had a good point. I shouldn't talk to her. So I hung up.
And so far Scarlett has been silent. But I have a hunch an eruption is building up.
Spent some time at Fog Beach this past Saturday watching an airshow, playing with Salty Dog and examining Tara just to update my mental list of what I'll need to do when I finally reclaim the house. Scarlett was gone when I first arrived but showed up in the afternoon. Lately (past 3, 4 maybe a little more, weeks) she's been easier to deal with, MUCH easier as a matter of fact and Saturday was no exception.
Sunday I stuck around the campsite trying to unbury myself on work items, but did have one conversation with her, think it had something to do with Salty Dog but the point is that it was all a very normal, adult like conversation.
Then Monday rolled around. Started out okay, Scarlett had a couple of requests of me that were easy enough to take care of, nothing big or onerous and I was happy to oblige. She's trying to stay on the friendly side of me for her reasons and I'm trying to do the same for my own. Nothing necessarily wrong or underhanded with that, it just is what it is.Anyway, one of the things she needed required me to put the item in my car and take it over. No problem. I can play with Salty Dog while I'm there and there were some things in the garage that I needed. So that's what I did. Get over there, play with Salty Dog, exchange some fairly innocuous conversational banter with Scarlett and I then prepare to leave.
For reasons only Scarlett would know, she choose that moment to try and start a very different conversation.
Are you dating anyone?
Huh? No.
Are you talking to anyone?
Not today.......
Are you talking to her? You're talking to her again aren't you? God, I don't care who you talk to, just not her! She's a bad seed! She will destroy you! Don't talk to her! Do you hear me? Don't talk to her!!
Uh, yeah. And why is any of that your business?
Well I'll just take that as a yes.
You should take it as a "why is that any of your business" but whatever. Thanks for the heads up. Duly noted.
She destroyed her first two marriages. She ruined ours! She will destroy you.
Now, at this point I really wanted to point out that the only person who "ruined our marriage" was the person I was standing in front of, looking at and listening to.
However, I've been down that road before. Trust me, it leads nowhere.
So I again said thanks for the heads up, I'll take that into consideration.
Friends help friends like this!
If you say so (and I started again for my car)
Scarlett called me twice shortly after I'd left. The first call she hung up due to some phone issues but on the second call she reiterated her belief that I should not talk to "her". I'll be destroyed (really, like life with you hasn't done any damage to me whatsoever...), she's a bad seed (something tells me the sermon she listened to on Sunday had that as a bullet point), she's destroyed two marriages (now that point is factually inaccurate but Scarlett states it as though she were there and knows all the details...when in fact she knows absolutely nothing). Anyway, she went on pretty much repeating herself. I finally decided that Scarlett had a good point. I shouldn't talk to her. So I hung up.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)