DC Comics #58

Well, that was nice while it lasted.  Spent a week at my home on Fog Beach with Salty Dog while Scarlett was 3,000 miles away.  But all good things must come to an end eventually and that did this past Monday.

Word on the street has it that Scarlett is lining up potential suitors as well as investigating a move to the locale she just returned from.  I've seen both these movies but I'm always up for a different ending.

Truth be told, as I remove my hat of sarcasm, my biggest and dearest wish for her is to find happiness.  Not the elusive kind that comes and goes with the latest purchase, the latest meal, the current fun, but the lasting variety.  The type you wake up with everyday.  The one that makes it a pleasure to get out of bed and meet the day head on.  Genuinely smile at those you meet, cease dwelling on the nagging doubts in your own head and enjoy your life.

I've known Scarlett for a few decades now and realized after not too many of those years that she can fake it pretty good.  But not for very long.  Spent an inordinate amount of my time (and therefore life) trying, in one way or another, to help her achieve that.  She would dispute that some days but I believe deep down she knows I truly had her best interests at heart.  Still do, which some days surprises me given what I've had to deal with during this ordeal.

The good doctor, the one with my Kona coffee, labels this as self defeating/self sabotaging/masochistic behavior.  His theory/opinion is that her dysfunction, seeming helplessness et.al. fulfills a need in me.  He has likened it to my putting on a Superman cape and riding to the rescue.

I can't say that I disagree and I am cognizant of his first and foremost duty to assist me in coming to terms with the various dynamics inside of me but, that said, I think the head shrink profession is at times too focused on the individual and fails to see the forest for the trees.  As a good friend is fond of saying (and I'm stealing this forevermore) sometimes you have to step away from the campfire to see the whole picture.

What I mean here is that the act of helping someone in need does not necessarily mean that you yourself suffer from some sort mental malady yourself.  Engaging in an act of kindness, practicing self sacrifice, helping those less fortunate, is not, in my opinion some character flaw.  Can it be taken to an extreme?  Certainly.  Should you first look out for yourself and then others?  As a general rule I would say yes.

But where do you draw the line?  Hard to say I think.  And, I imagine that line is going to be placed in different positions by different people depending on not only their own particular circumstances but also those of whom they are trying to help.

Have I taken my help to Scarlett to an extreme?  Many if not most have told me YES.  To a large extent I agree.  Does that now mean I cut her off entirely?  Make her go cold turkey as it were?  Uh, no.  It does mean I need to start tapering off and I have.  And that has not been the easiest thing to do.

I think I need to retire to the Fortress of Solitude and contemplate with  Jor-El.

This and that

Scarlett leaves in a couple of days to go visit a daughter and family 3,000 miles away.  She'll be gone for a week.  Myself, I will be taking up temporary residence in my house for that week.  I think her continued absence from the house lately has had some ill effects on Salty dog.  Earlier this year or maybe it was late last year, you know, the days all just run together at times.....he blew his coat.  Well, that's starting up again.  So my main project while I'm there is to give him the loving attention he seems to be anxious for.  Told him today (he's smarter than you think) that he and I were going to have some good times next week.  Eat some good food off the bbq, spend time out in the backyard making that look a bit more presentable (plus a lot of play), watch some good movies and go on some car rides.  I think he liked those ideas based on all the tail wagging I saw!

The good doctor weighed in this past week on the need for boundaries with Scarlett.   Again.  I'm not dense and I do *get it* but this is just one of those areas where I take baby steps.  I know Scarlett well enough that if I were to erect a full blown boundary wall that she would see that as a call to battle.  Something I really do not need to deal and contend with right now.  So the best I can do is to put up a few fence posts here and there, add in some cross members, maybe a strand or two of barb wire here and there and see what happens.  Not what the purists in this line of business seem to have in mind, but as I've discovered here, what sounds good is not necessarily what works out in the real world.

Take what you can, when you can and be happy for it.  At least that's my working theory.

Truth be told, it's been a depressing couple of weeks.  Why, I can't quite seem to put my finger on.  Is it due to the approaching mediation (that still has no date set)?  Might be.  Because I still worry about how Scarlett is going to handle herself when she's on her own?  Yeah, that's a concern whether it should be or not.

What I do know is that in the past week Scarlett has had more than her fair share of rejection.  Try as I might I just can't find any glee in that.  I sympathize with her, to a degree I also empathize but I also know that most of this has to do with her shooting off her mouth or trying to show off and having it fall flat.  I feel bad for her but at the same time have to corral what I would normally do or say.  Mixed messages and all that.

Strikes me again how easier this entire process would be were I dealing with someone who at heart wasn't a child.  And that too is why I hold my tongue quite a bit.  No point in chastising a child for doing something they cannot yet grasp the full implications of.  Better to take them aside and try and explain in terms they will understand why what happened to them happened.

Sounds good and I've tried that as well in the deep dark past.  Then I hear how she isn't stupid.  Don't treat me like a child.  How dumb do you think I am?  It wasn't me, it was them.  It's not my fault they blah blah blah.....and on and on it would go.

No Scarlett, you are not stupid.  But if that's true, then what I've seen and heard you do at times means that you are behaving thus with full knowledge of your actions.  Reminds me of an altercation I got into years and years ago.  Dumb jackass made a really botched attempt at parking his car and almost took mine out in the process.  When he finally got out of his car I asked him if he was drunk.  I get a weird look and his response, rather indignantly was that he was sober.  All I could say at that point was you drive that way sober?

A church story

So there's this woman I know who generally has a very high opinion of herself.  Goes to church, bible study, volunteers at her church, reads her bible, prays, helps those less fortunate than she - all very good and noble things.  I would go so far as to say that on paper, if her accomplishments, community involvements, volunteer activities were listed, that most anyone who read it would be quite impressed.

Well, due to factors completely unrelated to any of the above, this same woman finds herself in the midst of a divorce.  Given that 50% or so of first marriages end that way, this is not all that surprising.  But, this happens to be her second marriage.  And the chance of success for those marriages drops from 50% to about 35%.  So even less surprising.

Being the go-getter that she is, she decided sometime ago to get hubby #3 lined up.  Not a bad idea on her part because rumor has it that she deals with life far better when someone else is taking care of the details and leaving her to do what she will, when she will, how she will and why she will.  As they say, nice job if you can get it.

So being close to God as she is (or believes herself to be), she enlisted the Almighty's aid and assistance in this endeavor.  And she would tell you that He in fact spoke to her.  Not once or twice, but on a number of occasions concerning this matter of the heart.  Far be it from me to imply that He does not speak to us, personally I believe He does.  Though not necessarily in spoken form.  But that's me.

In any event, she claims to have heard, directly from Him, that a certain somebody at the church she attends is meant for her.  As luck would have it, this is also someone that she happens to be attracted to.  What are the odds?  Truly the Lord works in mysterious ways.  I mean of all the people He could possibly choose for you, imagine your good luck and fortune to have that also be someone you yourself find appealing.  I mean it's almost like you convinced yourself , you were engaging in a self fulfilling prophecy,  you weren't listening to God but yourself, this was ordained of God.

So, girded up with the armor of amore, what does this woman do?  Well, she first chides him on his lack of good looks (always a good opening line to get someone interested...) and then continues that line of thought with a comment about how no one would find what he has to say on Facebook as interesting.  Yep, she is going in for the kill.  A few weeks later, after yet another conversation with Father in Heaven, she decides to set the hook.  So while at a function that they both participate in that helps feed and clothe those down on their luck, she strikes.  Goes right for the jugular.  "Hey" she says to him, "would you like to get a cup of coffee with me?"  Poor guy apparently didn't know what hit him.  "With you?" he said.  "Yes with me" she replied.  His response was.......wait for it........No thank you.  "Why not?" was her plaintive plea.  "Because" he said, "I think you're a woman on the make here."

That response probably would've had more of an impact had she known what *on the make* meant.  But she knew enough that she knew whatever it meant it wasn't good.  So being the lady that she is, she politely "took him down a notch or two" and said something to the effect of how she wasn't on the make, and if she were it would only be for one night.  At a church.  In front of people she knows.  To someone she is attracted to.

I suppose it's probably just me, but when I heard this story I cringed for her.  Maybe it was something in the way I was brought up, or perhaps I missed that day at school, but I never thought it wise to insult or belittle them to whom you seek companionship with.

Be that as it may, this story doesn't quite end there.  As I mentioned, this particular woman is absolutely convinced that God has spoken to her and that this particular gentlemen is and was created (or recreated) for her and her alone.  In her words she is *stumped* at this man's reaction to her.  But then who's to say.  It could be that God hasn't gotten around to speaking to him yet, never did speak to her, is rethinking this whole thing, is jerking her chain, oh never mind.

 

Too many root canals

Had lunch yesterday with an old friend I hadn't seen in awhile.  He was somewhat aware of my situation but lacking most of the details, and I was vaguely aware of his but also lacking in details.  So we spent almost 3 hours over some good food getting one another up to speed.

I was glad to see this guy but also a little leery because he's known Scarlett for 10+ years more than I have.  Plus, he had been divorced from his wife, who was a friend of Scarlett's but had recently remarried her.  Neither of them have seen Scarlett or myself in 5 years or more for reasons unimportant here.

So, I didn't really know what to expect once the conversation veered into the catching up phase.  As it turned out, this was a conversation I probably should have had months and months ago.

Long story short, listening to my buddy tell me about Scarlett, what he had observed over the years, how he saw me react to her, the things he heard her say to me and others was like listening to myself.  I didn't need to provide explanations or background for him.  He knew.  In fact, as I discovered, he knew long before I did.  So why didn't he warn me years ago?  Well, I only met him through Scarlett after we were married.  At that point he thought it better to keep his thoughts to himself.

Now, his wife and Scarlett have a number of similarities, sadly for both of us, none of them good.  He can see and told me in great detail about Scarlett's selfishness, self absorption, hypocritical attitudes and behaviors etc.  And the woman he recently remarried has all these "qualities" as well, plus a substance abuse problem.   So where was this conversation headed?  I almost expected him to counsel me to follow his footsteps and reunite with Scarlett.  Instead, much to my relief he compared her to a bad tooth.  Told me that I'd gone through far too many root canals and it was time to just get rid of it.

No matter how convinced you are about the path you're on or about to take, there's nothing like another person, that you know and trust, who's also been there and knows the players involved, telling you that you made the right decision and giving you reasons for it that you weren't even aware of.

Another coffee break

Well if I've learned anything so far during this trial and tribulation it's that divorce, like old age, is not for pussies.  At least a divorce involving a cluster b personality.

Had another coffee break with the good doctor this evening and we spoke of Christ hanging on a cross, saviour complexes, self-esteem issues, rescuing and the need to do something good for your own self once in awhile.

He has me pegged as the type that likes to and wants to help people.  I know a few that would dispute that opinion vehemently but on balance I don't believe he is too far wrong.  Now, that's not something I would usually associate with being a character flaw but when taken to extremes....well, as the good book says, moderation in all things.

I don't want to keep beating a dying horse but when you find yourself coupled to a child who is actually an adult, that help, assistance, caring and concern just seems to come naturally.  And the more you engage in it, the more it becomes expected.  And the less appreciation you receive for your efforts.  Until it reaches a point where you have to ask yourself why are you doing this?

I believe there are a lot of different answers to that question, some perfectly reasonable, some not so.  In my case much of it was done to protect what I had or to at least minimize the potential damage that an otherwise hand's off approach may have resulted in.  I am told that that is not always the healthiest of courses but sometimes what sounds well, good and reasonable in one setting isn't such in the real world.  That's not a rationalization, merely an observation.

The problem all this leads to though is that a divorce, done properly, is a complete separation of the individuals involved.  And when I say done properly, I'm really saying in theory.  We do not live in a perfect world and we are not perfect individuals living perfect lives.  If we were, divorce would be an alien concept.  In some marriages gone south you have kids involved.  Others, you have pets.  Still others, who knows?  Friends?  Vacation spots, whatever.  My point being that as much as we might like to completely separate ourselves from our former spouse, that will not always be immediately possible.  With luck and the passage of time (to allow kids to grow up, pets (sadly) to pass on) the former ties you had become weaker and weaker.

Or, as I was told by someone the other day, anger trumps grief.  There will be some amount of grieving post-divorce, whether for the other person, over the circumstance, a feeling that somehow you "lost" or a feeling that you wasted so many years before your eyes were opened.  And that's where the anger comes in handy.  It's hard to feel sorrow over something that you're pissed as hell at!

So is there any real salient point here?  I have no idea.  I know the course I am on is the correct one though some days that doesn't make it easy.  Truth is, as much as I know that both Scarlett and I will be much happier apart and living our lives as we want to, not how the other would wish, it still hurts.  The parent in me wishes to make it all better but the adult in me says no.  I need to listen to the adult side more and find a different way to soothe the parent side.  At least that's what the good doctor intoned tonight.

His parting words were to do something I enjoy.  Go buy something for yourself maybe.

Yeah, he doesn't know me as well as he thinks....but if it's doctor's orders I'm thinking this might help =)

  

Thoughts on Mediation

Mediation draws closer though still no definite date that I know of yet.

Throughout this entire thing I have tried to treat Scarlett in as fair a manner as I possibly could.  Not because I hoped for any reciprocal effort on her part but simply because I have to look at myself in the mirror and I want to be able to say that I did all I could, all that I was obligated to do and in fact went above and beyond.

It's unimportant whether or not Scarlett takes note and equally unimportant if I get any kudos from her for my efforts.  I do what I do in this awful situation (there simply is no other way to describe it) for me and my well being.  At the end of this, I have to live with myself.

As regards Scarlett, she has her own free agency as we all do and I will not (or at least will try not to) judge her for exercising her right of action in ways that may be detrimental to her/me/us.  Just as I have to live with myself, so must she live with herself.

Now, that's not to say that I don't take exception to some of what she thinks, says and does.  I find some of that hurtful, some deceptive (towards me but also towards herself), some ludicrous, hilarious (in a sad way) but mostly maddening.  Scarlett is an adult yet her thinking in many areas, her expectations as well, are more those of a child.  How can you get mad at a child for not fully grasping and understanding adult concepts?

And maybe that's where my head has been these past few days.  I know the work ahead of us is not going to be easy.  I know that it will require give and take, compromise and negotiation.  I also know Scarlett.  My fear is that she will come to the table with a list of demands, ideas and fears not fully grounded in reality and expect me to accede to these demands and/or accept her version of reality.

Her attorney will likely be of little help simply because if he is not saying what she wants to hear than she will accuse him of not being on her side.  My attorney is suspect in her mind from the get go.  That leaves me.  Do I wind up in a position in which I am negotiating with myself against myself?  Quite possibly so.

Yet the truth, or at least my truth, is that someone needs to be Scarlett's advocate in a way that she will accept.  Am I taking on too much?  Am I taking responsibility for something that is really not my responsibility?  I keep going back to the child that inhabits that adult body.

I don't know.  The sheer exhaustion that my mind and body feel right now tells me this needs to be over and done soon.  Fitful sleep and days filled with worry, concern and angst are taking their toll.

 

Dante

YOU OWE ME AN APOLOGY!!!

If I had a dollar for each time I've heard that phrase from Scarlett I'd have me a nice little fully paid for rental cottage within easy walking distance of the ocean.

What is it with the PD's that they seem to think they're owed apologies for what they perceive as any type of slight?  Put aside for now whether one in fact occurred or not.  Most of the time what's taken as an insult or a put down or some such is nothing even close.

Scarlett and I have had our share (and probably the share of a few others---whoever you are you're welcome) of disagreements and arguments over the years.  You put two people together long enough and that is going to happen.  Human nature.

I'm more interested though in the *whys* behind, or that frame, the disagreement/argument.  Is it just a basic difference in values?  A difference of opinions which both sides can support with evidence?  Or is it emotional?  A lack of fundamental understanding?  Ignorance?  Or just a temper tantrum because somebody isn't going to get their way but feel entitled to nevertheless?

I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I'm of the opinion that two adults can have a disagreement, discuss their differences and maybe at the end of it just agree to disagree.  No apologies get demanded, neither one is told they should feel sorry for what they said (or didn't say) and life goes on.

Not always the case with a PD individual or a child.  But when the PD is acting like a child.....the inscription that Dante saw as he passed through the gates of hell comes to mind: Abandon all hope ye who enter here.

Yet, I didn't abandon hope even when history suggested I should.  In fact, that was probably  my constant companion throughout my journey with Scarlett.  The hope that one day she'd *get it*.  The hope that understanding would come.  The hope that the good words and thoughts she likes to mouth would one day be more than just words.  The hope that she would see that I am not the jerk (realist?) that husband #1 was.  The hope that she would see that the traits she abhors in others are also resident in her.  The hope that she would really try and improve.

And I still have that hope for her.  I imagine I always will.  Not in my nature, though maybe it should be, to kick someone to the curb and say too bad, I tried, you lose.  Life would probably be easier in a lot of ways if I could do that.  But.....as Popeye said, I yam what I yam.

So, circling back to the beginning here, have I apologized?  Hell no.  I've decided to only do that and to say I'm sorry when I am truly in the wrong.  I'm done with offering up apologies just to appease and try and get back to "normal".  That's a good short term fix with bad long term consequences.  Besides, it's highly doubtful that Scarlett will meet someone else ready with a quick unneeded apology so it's time she learned this as well.

All of the above

There's a book, called Games People Play, written by Eric Berne, M.D.over 50 years ago (1964 to be exact) that Dr. Shah suggested I read.  I secured a copy and read it.  Then reread some sections, skimmed some others and determined that there was a large portion of the book, at least for my current circumstances, that I could just leave alone.

I'd joked for years with friends, family and neighbors that I should probably go over to our local police department and register as a sex offender because I had married a child.  Since everyone I ever said this to knew Scarlett they knew exactly what I was talking about.

And apparently so did Dr. Berne.

He devotes the first couple of chapters to Parent/Adult/Child interactions.  So much of what he wrote back in '64 (when I was but a wee lad) is so spot on as to be almost unnerving though in a "I knew I wasn't nuts" sort of way.

That's where my thinking has been today.  How long have I had to be the Parent to Scarlett's child or the Adult to her child?  And without trying to exaggerate things, pretty much since we first met.

I know I didn't consciously do this, in fact quite a lot of my parental/adult behavior or whatever you want to call it as regards her was done simply because there was no other real choice.  Somebody needed to be responsible, someone needed to pay the bills, balance and reconcile the checkbook, keep track of what we had, what we needed at the store, when preventative maintenance needed to be done on vehicles, etc etc etc.

Scarlett wanted to be in charge of fun.  Whimsy.  Though she was also good at keeping a clean house, making sure the laundry was done (though at times I think she was a bit OCD about these things) but for the most part the major responsibilities fell to me.

Now I discover that I wasn't doing her too many favors, nor myself as I discussed in Friday's blog.

But the parent/child, adult/child way of interacting seems to have taken hold and I am really afraid it will ever be thus.

I have to credit a friend of mine, someone I've known since before Dr. Berne published his book, with the following insights:

Children don't have to be responsible.
Ignorance is bliss.
Ignorance is no responsibility.
It's not about knowledge, it's about ethics
and personal responsibility.

Irresponsible spending is unethical.

All of the above describe Scarlett.  She wants to be a child.  She does not want responsibility.  She does not really want to be held to a code of ethics unless it is to her benefit.  She does not want to prioritize.....well, anything.  In many ways life is like a multiple choice exam.  Or as some would say, multiple guess.  Either way, you are presented with a list of possible answers or in the case of life, priorities.  You can arrange them anyway you'd like but there are consequences for those who put obviously (or what should be obvious) lower priorities above what should be higher ones.

There aren't, per se, any right or wrong answers though there is history that can be your guide if you so choose to avail yourself of the experience of others.  And that is something that I see far too few people actually doing.

But, to continue, one of the choices that you will not see (unless your last name happens to be Trump, Rockefeller, Hughes, Carnegie....) is *all of the above*.  Yet that seems to be the only choice that Scarlett wants.

Sigh.

Every silver lining has it's cloud

So another opportunity to enjoy some Kona coffee, vent my spleen and listen to some sage advice courtesy of Dr. Shah yesterday evening.

Arrived with 4 pages of notes just in case I needed them.

He wants to discuss feelings.  Or rather, he would prefer to discuss feelings but if I want to waste away the time complaining about what Scarlett has done or said, well as the man said - this is your dime.

You want feelings?  I got your feelings.  Right here.  How about frustration?  Anger?  Pissed off?  And I can add one more to the list.  A feeling of being overwhelmed by the sheer idiocy of having to deal with someone who seems to have a child's comprehension of what is going on.  How's them apples for feelings?

He zeroed in on overwhelming.

I asked him if he'd ever heard the line about dealing with women.  He said he wasn't sure what I was talking about so I told him that there are two ways to deal with women.

Neither of them work.

He offered up what Nietzsche had said about dealing with women.  In one hand you have a bouquet of flowers and in the other a whip.

Sounds about right to me.

So why am I feeling overwhelmed?  Well, primarily because Scarlett either can't or does not want to, understand some/most of what is going on, what the ramifications of some of her decisions could be, the consequences for her etc.

Why should I care I'm asked?

Lookit - I do have her best interests at heart.  I can see her stepping in front of a bus and it's just in my nature to want to reach out and pull her back.

Why?

Uh.  Force of habit?  Because that's what I've been having to do for years?

So you're mad at Scarlett because she doesn't understand a lot of things.  Things that you have protected her from.  Over protected her I imagine.  Don't you think it wise to allow people to fail?  Fall down?  Make mistakes?  How else do you learn?

Damn it!  I hate the way this conversation is going.  Yes.  I agree with all of that.  But. I disagree a tiny bit with the idea that I was over protecting her.  I was also trying to protect me.

From what?  It sounds like you're catastrophizing things.  Can you give me an example of anything she did that would support what you're saying.

Uh. Um.  No I cannot but that in no way diminishes what I knew she was capable of and what I could possibly be liable for due to the fact that we were/are married.

You need to let her fail.  Look.  There are only two possibilities here.  Either she has always had a loose grasp on reality - or - she has been too well protected from it.  And based on our conversations I highly suspect it's the latter.

Fuck.

So we batted this around for awhile, none of which reverses the histrionic/borderline behavior of Scarlett though it does cast a little different light on some of my own angst.  Like...I'm the primary cause of my own suffering here.

Grrr.

As I walked out to my car I was thinking about all of this.  I guess it's true what they say.

The road to hell IS paved with good intentions.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Good guys do finish last.

Nothing like having it pointed out to you that at times you can be your own worst enemy even though your thoughts, intents, desires and what not were all focused on what you perceived to be the best for all involved.

Huh?

Another week and more stuff to deal with.  A lot of it unnecessary in my opinion but as I've learned over the course of this continuing odyssey, my opinions don't always count for much.

Our attorneys met and agreed on a date for a mandatory mediation meeting - early next year.  I'd been forewarned on this possibility, apparently Scarlett had not.  So item #1 (and like a lot of statistics I'm just making up the numbering as I go along) on my list of stuff was dealing with her sadness and madness over "making" her be at Tara over Christmas.  Though I knew it would do no good, I said that I can't "make her" do anything.  Well, if she had the money, RIGHT NOW, she could go out and secure another place is what I'm told.  True enough.  But, and again I've been down this road before, that requires delving into details that we do not have yet.  And of course that naturally leads to a rendition of the 50/50 chorus.

Item #2 was the subject of bifurcation.  My attorney informed me that Scarlett had told her attorney that she wanted to pursue this action.  I also discovered that I can not really object to it though my only reasons for doing so would be tax and insurance related.  Nevertheless, my attorney told the other side that we would not be objecting to this (since we can't anyway) but was his client (Scarlett) aware that once granted she would need to secure her own insurance and that in 2018 taxes would be filed as Single.  Well, said Scarlett's barrister, I've tried to explain that to her but I'm not sure she understands.  Okay then.  Moving on.....

Item #3 was then the subject of alimony aka "support".  We were also informed that Scarlett had instructed her attorney to pursue this order.  And again, my side is fine with that.  However.  Is your client aware (Scarlett) that once my client (Salty) begins making alimony payments that everything else (not entirely true but close enough) he has been paying will cease?  Excuse a moment while I copy and paste.....Well, said Scarlett's barrister, I've tried to explain that to her but I'm not sure she understands.

Anyone else detecting a pattern?

And that leads to item #4 - a long, confusing phone call from Scarlett to go over items 2 and 3.  As to bifurcation she stated her intent to pursue this and then told me that nothing would change.  Huh. 

Nothing?  You mean of course except that we would be divorced? 

Yes but nothing would change and you would still be paying for my health insurance.

And why would I be doing that?  A divorced couple cannot be on the same policy and therefore we would be required to get our own policies.

I can't afford insurance!  Are you going to fight me on this?

Not fighting you just explaining the facts.

And so she moved to item 3 - alimony.  Except, and this is only my theory, I believe her attorney has been referring to this as "support" which has confused Scarlett.

I just want to warn you that I've asked my attorney to get support for me.

So I'm aware.

Well, you know what that means?

Yes I do.  Do you?

Well, I don't have any income.  I can't work.  And I need money.

I'll put aside whether or not you can work for now.  Yes, alimony means that I would be sending you a check for some amount every month.  Do you know what else it means?

Huh?  What?

It also means that virtually everything else I'm paying for right now will stop.

Why?

What do you mean "why"?

Oh I see.  You're going to fight me on this too!

I'm not fighting.  But can I ask a question?

Go ahead.

Why are you so fucking dense?

And click went the phone.

Not surprisingly, Scarlett has decided to not pursue bifurcation this year though I have no clue about the alimony issue at this point.

So, moving on.....

Had a storm of texts from her yesterday (I hate texting btw) that started off fairly normal and innocuous but as usual in virtually any form of dialogue with her, eventually went downhill.

I'd picked up Salty Dog the night before because she was having some back issues and wasn't sure she could take care of him.  While there I performed a few tasks for her.  So now she wants to know why I keep doing things for her.

Because I'm a nice guy.

No.  There has to be more to it than that.  I think you're not sure you want this divorce.  You don't want to cut me loose.  You feel guilty.  That's why you're always doing things for me.

Uh, no.  The guilt thing is pretty much gone.  Dead and buried.  Now, I do have compassion and concern but really that's as far as it goes.

Well....I should've seen this coming but it'd been awhile.  I was then treated to numerous texts about her being old.  Broken.  Alone.  Lonely.  That's how the rest of her life will be.  I tried being philosophical with her by saying that just as you shouldn't go to the store while hungry, neither should you try and divine your future while in pain.

That was met with a "huh"?

This continued on for another 15- 20 minutes until I just had to stop it.

Surprisingly I wasn't bothered the remainder of the day.

And then there was the meeting with Dr. Shah.  But that is a post for later.

Wash Day

And while I'm on the subject of Cluster B's.....

Salty Dog was in need of a bath yesterday.  So off to Tara I went to help Scarlett do the deed.  I wouldn't subject myself to this for just anybody but Salty Dog is worth it.

So I get over there and while we're sudsing him down Scarlett mentions that she's lost 40 pounds.  Bully for you I thought.  And she further informs me that it's been awhile since I saw her in shorts.  Quite true.  Not anything I really missed.  I didn't say that last part, no point in poking the bear as it were.

However, I apparently was not forthcoming with what she wanted to hear.  Wow.  Imagine that.  So Scarlett fires up the narcissist in her and states - "don't I look good" which was more in the form of a question.  I kept sudsing Salty Dog and stayed silent.  That whole if you can't say something nice thing was going through my head.  Undaunted, Scarlett then says "just say yes.  Yes you look good dear".

How many times have I played this stupid game?  I don't give her the comment or compliment that she's after so she feeds it to me and expects me to parrot it back.  Then later she'll use what I said (at her command) as some sort of proof that I really feel that way, think it's true, whatever.

So I mumble something that she takes as a yes.  Having accomplished that she then changes subjects to how this ongoing divorce is affecting her.  Limbo, emotionally draining, hurtful, she needs this, I have to give her that, don't I know that blah blah blah.  Seriously, it's like I'm watching the Scarlett Show.  It's all about her.  Her needs, her wants, her demands, her emotions, her troubles, her life, her wellbeing, her health, her, her, her.

And who do you suppose she expects to take care of each and everyone of these items?  I shake my head in disgust, wonderment, sadness, anger, angst and...did I mention disgust?

At least Salty Dog got a good bath out of it.  He had a good time with all the attention.

And THAT was the most important thing yesterday.

“What do you want?"

"Just coffee. Black - like my soul.”  ― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

Had my weekly coffee break with the Shah this past Thursday.  He'd tell you that that hour is a session, therapy or something along those lines.  I prefer to think of it as a coffee break.  I have coffee, it's a break from what passes as a normal routine right now, ergo - coffee break.

So while I was enjoying a splendid cup of 100% Kona we (well me actually) attempted to delve into the swamp, maelstrom, minefield, no man's land of these things called feelings.  I am told that's a good thing.  It's healthy.  Yeah.  The jury is still out on that as far as I'm concerned.  But I had my coffee and I wasn't going anywhere so what the hell, let's see how this goes I thought.

I've had two main feelings for the past, I don't know how many, years.  At least in regards to Scarlett.  Anger and frustration.  I've attempted to deal with these in various forms at various times.  I've tried honest, no holds barred discussions with her, I've tried ignoring them as best I can, bitching and moaning to someone else, laughing at her (THAT one always sounded better in my head then it turned out as in real life) and just removing myself from the situation for a period of time.

The stinking lousy thing about feelings is that they seem to dog your tracks.  No matter where you go, there they are.  It's like they know where you're going before you get there and once you arrive, there they are to greet you.  Hi.  We've been waiting for you.  Hotel California with no need of the bricks and mortar.  Sigh.


So I explained to the good doctor (Shah) why I thought I had these feelings.  Feel like a lot of times I'm just being used, or played or taken advantage of.  I've also compared myself to a donkey, mule, horse, ox...choose your draft animal, with an ATM stuck on my rear end.  And none, not a one of those, seems to have receded in the past year plus.  If anything, it seems as though Scarlett is putting even more pressure on.  And when I say it seems as though, what I mean by that is that she is.  Just sounds a little better I think if I leave some room for giving her the benefit of the doubt.  Of which I have none.


Anyway, I guide him through the tax return gauntlet that I just recently ran, marveling at how no matter what I did, above and beyond for her, she would not for days consent to sign something.  Something that was not going to work against her in any shape or form.  Though that's not what her conspiracy theories were telling her.  And at the end of this I tell him that I don't know whether I should feel good about what I did for her or if I should instead kick myself in the ass.

I guess things are pretty bad when after being used you wonder if you should or should not be angry with yourself for (once again) allowing that to happen.

Well, given all that plus some of the other stories I have related to him over past coffee breaks, he tells me that anyone who was subjected to what I have been would be furious.  My anger and frustration are (in his opinion) fully justified.  And that is nice to hear.

The jury is still out on this feeling stuff though.  Just one of the many benefits and parting gifts when dealing with a cluster B I imagine.  Sigh.  I need another cup.   

What Ben said

Benjamin Franklin said the only things certain in life are death and taxes.  Mr. Franklin obviously never met Scarlett.  Lucky dog.

I can add one more certainty to Ben's duo.  Scarlett's complete, no doubt about it, 100%, dead sure, absolute, full to the top, no vacancy, parking lot full, inability to comprehend much of anything above Jr. High level.

The woman never (sadly) ceases to amaze me with her sheer ignorance.  And it is a constant source of irritation to see that ignorance cloaked in a sense of self-righteousness mixed with unequal parts hubris, anger, conspiratorial thinking along with a dash of self pity and a smidgen of faux intellectualism.

So just what the hell am I talking about here?

I picked up our tax returns from my CPA's this past Saturday.  We were on extension and the due date is today.  They are filed electronically which means that both Scarlett and I need to in essence sign the 8879 permission slip for our CPA's to do just that.  Nothing new here, been doing it this way for a number of years now.

My CPA's were even kind enough to run off a 2nd hard copy for Scarlett so that she could look it over and/or give it to her attorney.

So yesterday I took over her copy and the two 8879's for her to sign.  Later that day I called to ask whether I could come over and pick them up.  That would be fine I was told.  Except that once I got there, she was picking through the return (have I mentioned that math and Scarlett are not the best of friends?) with a notepad by her side, and a furrowed brow with squinty eyes.  Well, she had a couple of questions.

Truthfully, all she was really doing was going page by page (the return is around 200+ pages) looking for BIG numbers.  And she found one.  Right next to the word "income".  Scarlett must have thought she'd hit the jackpot.  FINALLY, she "had me".  I was hiding something and she just KNEW it!  And there it was in the tax return.

Long story short, I had her call one of the CPA's to have him explain it.  In essence it all boiled down to the difference between "gross" and "net".  Scarlett isn't real clear, or wasn't, on the definition of "gross".

So, I never did get the signed 8879's yesterday.  But we still had one day (today) to go.

Had a call from her this morning.  She was on her way to her attorney's office (I wonder why....) but she was lost.  She told me where she was and asked if she was going the right way.  I said I don't know.  You have a stand alone GPS in the car as well as your (stupid) smart phone that also has a GPS.  She said Oh, I get it and hung up.

A few minutes later she called again.  In tears.  I'm lost, I don't know where I am.  The GPS on my phone isn't making sense.  PLEASE help me.  So I got her turned around and headed in the right direction.  And I stayed on the phone until she was within feet of her destination.

Nope, didn't end there.  About 10 minutes later she calls.  Crying.  Uncontrollably.  I can make out a few words here and there but not enough to figure out what the hell is going on.  She finally tells me she couldn't find the building her attorney is in.  Went into a parking structure, couldn't get out, probably screamed at some poor attendant, got back on the road, not sure which way she was heading or where she was going.  HELP ME.

Which is about what I feel like saying a lot of time.  HELP ME getthisfuckingbitchoutofmylife!!!

Anyway, she wants to go home, but not before asking me why am I making her do this.  Please see my previous post - A cluster of bees for an explanation of that typical question.

So again, I get her headed where she wants to go (home) and then she wants to know if I can come over and look at her computer and GPS because obviously the problem must lie in one of them.  Since I still have those 8879's to retrieve, I consent.

I get over to Tara and lo and behold, nothing is wrong with the computer or her GPS.  Wow.  I. Was. Shocked.  Nothing wrong with those things.  Can you beat that?  What or where could the problem be?  That one's a puzzler.  Going to take a lot of cogitating and figgering to get this mystery solved.  Where's Sherlock Holmes when you really need him?

Well, I decide to leave that enigma for another day and concentrate on something a bit more time critical - taxes.  So I ask her if she has signed the 8879's yet.

I have a couple of questions first.
Okay.  What are they?

And she starts back in on what she asked me yesterday that she also talked to the CPA about.

You've got to be kidding me Scarlett.
No, I don't understand it.  Why does that page (which is really not much more than an obscure form used to calculate the amount of some foreign taxes that can be used as an offset to US taxes) have this income figure but on what you want me to sign it shows something else?

Did I mention her not knowing the difference between gross and net? Oh righty-o I did!

Now I can tell she thinks I am trying to sneak something past her.  That's precisely what I was trying to do.  Sneak something past her on a tax return that will be filed with the IRS that her attorney could then use against me during this divorce.  Yep, that's exactly what I was trying to do.  Damn it if she didn't see through that.  Curses, foiled again!

Well rather than get bogged down in a discussion that I knew she'd already had with the CPA, I just told her to sign the stuff or not.  I just didn't care at that point and I left.  An hour or so later, I called to see if she'd signed them.  Nope.  Still had her questions.  So I tried again to answer them but this time added in that if she thinks there's something there she can use against me then she will want that return filed.  Until it is filed it is not a legal document.  And if it isn't filed, there will be late filing fees, which you Scarlett get to pay and this divorce that you want ASAP will be slowed down even more.

Somewhere in there she decided it would be in her best interests to sign.  So back to Tara I went.  She signed them.  But it wasn't quite over.

That tax return that she had tried to take to her attorney before erupting into tears, remember that?  Could I (Salty) take it to his office for her?

Really?

But that's what I did.  My hope was to hand deliver it to him and sit down and have a little chat but the drill sergeant who acts as the firm's receptionist at the front desk informed me he wasn't in.

Probably just as well.

 

It started out simple enough...

Well it's been a few days so it's time to get some more of the recent events down on virtual paper while they're still relatively fresh in the old noggin.

Scarlett had been fairly quiet and well behaved but there's always a limit to how long that will last.  Sometimes it can be measured in weeks, other times days, or even hours.  This spell of normalcy lasted for almost 3 weeks.  I have no idea really if that's any sort of record.  It's just nice while it lasts.

But this past Monday it all changed.  Again.

As I mentioned in a previous blog, we had Tara appraised and Scarlett was none to happy with the value that the appraiser gave.  That was her beginning topic on Monday.  The appraiser (that her attorney chose) didn't know what he was doing.  She doesn't like her attorney.  Actually what she doesn't like is that he will not tell her what she wants to hear.  Somehow that led to a conversation about medical insurance (one that I have had with her numerous times) and how she didn't know how she'd be able to afford it.

Now what's really going on here is not any true worry on her part about whether or not she can afford insurance (she can) but whether buying that as well as paying for her own medical expenses will leave anything for travel.  It always comes down to travel....

So she has that fear, and she doesn't feel as though her attorney is doing what he should, and she feels like she has no one in her corner.  Personally I feel for her attorney in this because I know exactly what the poor guy is up against.  Scarlett changes her mind so often and with such intensity that it gets to the point that you don't want to do anything because you don't know when she will change her mind again.

Anyway, Scarlett now has a fear of being at Tara during Christmas.  She wants to be gone.  In her own place.  But at the same time, contrary to many past discussions, she wants to take Salty Dog with her.  Except that she doesn't feel it would be fair to him to take him from the only home he's ever known.  A sentiment I share.  However, she then goes on to say that Tara is not his home, she is.  And so he needs to stay with her.  It's also not fair that she has to say goodbye to Tara (but it was okay for me to last year??) So....let me see if I have this straight so far.  Scarlett does not want to be at Tara at Christmas (or any other time for that matter now) while at the same time she believes it unfair that she has to say goodbye to it.  And on top of that, she wants to take Salty Dog with her even though it's not fair to him to take him away from his home.  Sort of.  She also made mention of his age, how if he's with her he might have to go downstairs whenever nature called and so he should be at Tara.  Except with her.  Who doesn't want to be at Tara.  Except when she does.

Got it?  Yeah, neither do I.

Moving on.....

The following day, after I had gone out to the house to help her find a few items (that were in plain sight) I received a phone call informing me that she did not need my help, she could take care of herself thank you very much.

Whew!  What a relief that is!  But I couldn't help myself.  I had to ask how someone who can take care of themselves couldn't find something that was in plain sight.  So silly me asked that question.  Rather than answer that question she posed another one.  Why was I so angry?

But I'm not angry I told her.  Yes you are!  Uh, no I'm not.  Yes you are, I can tell.  You just want to control everything!  Uh, no...I had to control most things because you either couldn't or wouldn't.

Note to present/future husbands - probably not what you want to say to the little woman IF your intent is to stay on her good side.  I no longer give a flying fuck so I just tell the truth with abandon.  But that's just me.  Your mileage may vary.

And that brings us to Wednesday.

You know, some days just start off so nice that you really should take that as a warning.  Scarlett had nothing planned that day that I knew about which meant that she would be walking Salty Dog and I could stay at the campsite and concentrate on some work matters that had been piling up.  Well, that plan worked until early afternoon.

She called, initially to tell me about some dream she'd had but the conversation quickly shifted to the appraiser...again.  She had brought in a 2nd appraiser who pegged the value a little higher than the first.  Almost like he'd been told to do that.  But that's a conspiracy theory for another day.  So now Scarlett starts to tell me just how things will be.  Almost like she was judge and jury.  I let her blather on and at the end of it just said that it's all a game of negotiation and compromise.  Well, she'll let a judge decide that!  Fine.  Truthfully I'd love to see her in court.  My sense is that when things started to not go her way that she'd lose it for all to see and neither I nor my attorney would need to waste valuable time convincing the judge that we're dealing with fruit loops here.  But I digress.

I ended that call simply because what Scarlett was really looking for was an argument and I didn't feel like playing.  So, the field of play shifted to email.  Have I mentioned my ambivalence towards technology?  Sometimes we are just too easy to reach.  Cell phones and email being the two prime culprits.  And don't get me started on Facebook or any of the other damn social media sites.  Okay, went off on another tangent.  But stay tuned for a post on how much I dislike technology!  Yes, I do see the irony.  Complaining about technology on technology....just because I use it doesn't mean I have to like it =)

So now we're playing dueling emails.  Started out simple enough.  How many times have I said that?

Scarlett wants to know Why did you do it? Why did you turn my life upside down and make me start over at 60? Why? Just a simple answer. Is it because you stopped loving me? I think I deserve an answer for all that has been done to me over this last year and a half.

Silly me decided to answer thusly:

Why did I do what?

I did not turn your life upside down and make you start over again at 60. You accomplished that all on your own. Your over reaction, your lack of impulse control, your lack of control over what comes out of your mouth, your scorched earth policy, your rash decision to run to an attorney, changing locks and codes, destroying two safes, draining two accounts, spending sprees, the spreading of vicious rumors, baseless accusations (trolling, gay, pedophile), blaming me, as you've once again done, for WHAT you did to yourself. You think you deserve an awful lot here. How many times have I sat and listened to you tell me how you deserve to know this, be told that, I owe you an answer for blah blah blah....Trouble is, you don't want the truth. What you want is for me to take all the blame. Accept all the responsibility. Prostrate myself and beg for your forgiveness. Beg to come home under any circumstance and subject to any rules, regulations etc. Consign the remainder of my life to living within your dictates. Come back and in essence say that yes all of you were right and that I deserved every god damn fucking thing that was done to me, said about me and taken from me.

I've done very damn little to you over this past year and a half. Certainly far, far less than what, given what has been done to me, you might reasonably expect from virtually anyone else. I've taken the hits, I've taken the punches, I've taken the insults, the rumors, the accusations, the lies presented as fact and what have I done throughout all of it? I've paid the bills, I've come over when requested (most of the time), I've purchased what, 2 round trips to XX? I've kept a credit card in force that for months and months and months you simply abused. But I kept paying the bill. I paid for repairs to your car, your medical expenses. Walmart, Costco, Amazon.

You want someone and something else to blame. You're perfect. You're godly. You're Christian. You're this that and everything else. You were the perfect wife, I was a creep of a husband. I have so many faults and problems I should get down on my knees and thank the good lord that you stuck with me for as long as you did. That's what you believe. Maybe not that you'd ever truly admit it but that's still the truth deep down as far as you seem to be concerned.

My anger gets referenced quite a bit. True enough. Why am I angry, especially when it comes to you? Because there is so damn little I can or could ever really discuss with you. To do so meant that I had to hear your little pity party, you wanted this, it's so unfair, well XXXX, XXXX, XXXXX or whoever the friend of the day was, they get to travel - I want to travel, that's all I ever wanted, and I need attention, I told you that from the very beginning, I'm disabled, I can't work....good fucking grief. It was simpler and far less stressful for me (and I imagine for you too) if I just kept my mouth shut and did what I thought best. Until you got mad at me for doing just that and telling me you wanted to discuss things, that's what married people do and then I'd try. Only to find that it (usually) ended in an argument. Which was the exact reason I didn't want to have the discussion to begin with.

I may not be an easy person to live with but if you think you are then you are delusional. Or maybe you are. Just with everyone else. Oil and water. Bleach and ammonia. Gasoline and sparks. Cats and dogs.

Well the response to that was like a blast from the past. A phone call was made and a voice mail left telling me in no uncertain terms that she wanted the key to Tara back and that I could say goodbye to Salty Dog because I would never see him again.

I relayed to her later 2 things:

1. Did I not mention rash decisions and impulse control?


2. With no key the walking and feeding of Salty Dog will be damn near impossible

Oopsy daisy. She needs me to have a key so that I can accomplish item #2 for her and in response to item #1 her reply was a very godly like STFU.

But it didn't end there. Before the evening was over I stood accused of walking the neighborhood with a girlfriend who had a small white dog. One, this is a baseless accusation (as have been all of her accusations not only in the present day but also in the past) and two, the woman described fits an across the street neighbor to a "T". The mind boggles at the idiocy.

That accusation was eventually put to rest but not before the last vestige of what could have been, and had started out to be, a productive day, was irretrievably lost.

A cluster of bees

I have often described Scarlett as a Cluster B personality.  There happen to be 4 sub types in there, for which, based on my years of experience with her, she exhibits qualities of at least 3 of them.  Those 4 sub types are (courtesy of Wikipedia):

NARCISSISM:

People with narcissistic personality disorder are characterized by their persistent grandiosity, excessive need for admiration, and a disdain and lack of empathy for others.[7][8] These individuals often display arrogance, a sense of superiority, and power-seeking behaviors.[9] Narcissistic personality disorder is different from having a strong sense of self-confidence; people with NPD typically value themselves over others to the extent that they disregard the feelings and wishes of others and expect to be treated as superior regardless of their actual status or achievements.[7][10] In addition, people with NPD may exhibit fragile egos, an inability to tolerate criticism, and a tendency to belittle others in an attempt to validate their own superiority.

According to the DSM-5, individuals with NPD have most or all of the following symptoms, typically without commensurate qualities or accomplishments:[7][10]
1. Grandiosity with expectations of superior treatment from others
2. Fixated on fantasies of power, success, intelligence, attractiveness, etc.
3. Self-perception of being unique, superior and associated with high-status people and institutions
4. Needing constant admiration from others
5. Sense of entitlement to special treatment and to obedience from others
6. Exploitative of others to achieve personal gain
7. Unwilling to empathize with others' feelings, wishes, or needs
8. Intensely envious of others and the belief that others are equally envious of them
9. Pompous and arrogant demeanor

BORDERLINE:

Borderline personality disorder (BPD), also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder,[6] is a long-term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by unstable relationships with other people, unstable sense of self, and unstable emotions.[3][4] There is often frequent dangerous behavior, a feeling of emptiness, self-harm, and an extreme fear of abandonment.[3] Symptoms may be brought on by seemingly normal events.[3] The behavior typically begins by early adulthood, and occurs across a variety of situations.[4] Substance abuse, depression, and eating disorders are commonly associated with BPD.[3] BPD increases the risk of self-harm and 10% of people affected die by suicide
Borderline personality disorder may be characterized by the following signs and symptoms:
• Markedly disturbed sense of identity
• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment and extreme reactions to such
• Splitting ("black-and-white" thinking)
• Impulsivity and impulsive or dangerous behaviours
• Intense or uncontrollable emotional reactions that often seem disproportionate to the event or situation
• Unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships
• Self-damaging behavior
• Distorted self-image[3]
• Dissociation
• Frequently accompanied by depression, anxiety, anger, substance abuse, or rage

HISTRIONIC:

People with HPD are usually high-functioning, both socially and professionally. They usually have good social skills, despite tending to use them to manipulate others into making them the center of attention.[4] HPD may also affect a person's social and/or romantic relationships, as well as their ability to cope with losses or failures. They may seek treatment for clinical depression when romantic (or other close personal) relationships end.[citation needed]
Individuals with HPD often fail to see their own personal situation realistically, instead dramatizing and exaggerating their difficulties. They may go through frequent job changes, as they become easily bored and may prefer withdrawing from frustration (instead of facing it). Because they tend to crave novelty and excitement, they may place themselves in risky situations. All of these factors may lead to greater risk of developing clinical depression.[5]
Additional characteristics may include:
• Exhibitionist behavior
• Constant seeking of reassurance or approval
• Excessive sensitivity to criticism or disapproval
• Pride of own personality and unwillingness to change, viewing any change as a threat
• Inappropriately seductive appearance or behavior of a sexual nature
• Using somatic symptoms (of physical illness) to garner attention
• A need to be the center of attention
• Low tolerance for frustration or delayed gratification
• Rapidly shifting emotional states that may appear superficial or exaggerated to others
• Tendency to believe that relationships are more intimate than they actually are
• Making rash decisions[4]
• Blaming personal failures or disappointments on others
• Being easily influenced by others, especially those who treat them approvingly
• Being overly dramatic and emotional[6]
Some people with histrionic traits or personality disorder change their seduction technique into a more maternal or paternal style as they age

ANTISOCIAL:

Antisocial personality disorder is defined by a pervasive and persistent disregard for morals, social norms, and the rights and feelings of others.[1] Individuals with this personality disorder will typically have no compunction in exploiting others in harmful ways for their own gain or pleasure, and frequently manipulate and deceive other people, achieving this through wit and a facade of superficial charm, or through intimidation and violence. They may display arrogance and think lowly and negatively of others, and lack remorse for their harmful actions and have a callous attitude to those they have harmed.[1][2] Irresponsibility is a core characteristic of this disorder: they can have significant difficulties in maintaining stable employment as well as fulfilling their social and financial obligations, and people with this disorder often lead exploitative, unlawful, or parasitic lifestyles.[1][2][9][10]
Those with antisocial personality disorder are often impulsive and reckless, failing to consider or disregarding the consequences of their actions. They may repeatedly disregard and jeopardize their own safety and the safety of others, and place themselves and others in danger.[1][2] They are often aggressive and hostile and display a disregulated temper, and can lash out violently with provocation or frustration.[1][10] Individuals are prone to substance abuse and addiction, and the abuse of various psychoactive substances is common in this population. These behaviors lead such individuals into frequent conflict with the law, and many people with ASPD have extensive histories of antisocial behavior and criminal infractions stemming back before adulthood.[1][2][9][10]
Serious problems with interpersonal relationships are often seen in those with the disorder. Attachments and emotional bonds are weak, and interpersonal relationships often revolve around the manipulation, exploitation and abuse of others.[1] While they generally have no problems in establishing relationships, they may have difficulties in sustaining and maintaining them.[9] Relationships with family members and relatives are often strained due to their behavior and the frequent problems that these individuals may get into.

I've highlighted those traits in Scarlett that I have seen and experienced the most.  Now granted, there are certainly times and instances wherein most everyone has exhibited some of these behaviors.  The key however is whether these behaviors/thoughts are common enough that the individual becomes *known* by them.  "Oh, that's just Sarah, you know how she is"  is the type of thinking I'm referring to here.

So by my admittedly simplistic and wholly unprofessional categorization system, I've determined that Scarlett's personality is composed of :

6/9ths Narcissism (66.67%)

1/2 Borderline (50.00%)

11/14ths Histrionic (78.57%)

For the math impaired, that equals 195.24%.  Which can't be, well maybe it can since she believes herself to be special and unique....but let's simplify things a little and say that she is likely 45% Histrionic, 30% Narcissistic and 25% Borderline.

Truthfully, no matter what the percentages are, it's still not a good outcome for Scarlett or for those around her.

So now what?  Well, knowing your opponent may not be half the battle but it's helpful nonetheless.  Just being aware of what you're up against can serve as a guide for what to say, what information to dispense or withhold, the best manner in which to react to their antics (though that can be a tough one to adhere to) and in general how to approach them.  I think it also spells out very clearly that being anywhere near this individual can and likely will be hazardous to your mental and physical health.  Stress does things to the body that we all could do without.

Bunnies

Sometimes I find myself in awe of the ability of the PD's to keep going day after day after day.  Much like the Energizer bunny.  Only not as nice.

Scarlett has been on a mini rant the past couple of days focused on someone whom she believes is the source of all conflict.  Not just here and now but from day one.  Now, this is hardly the first of these battles that I've fought, though it wasn't until just a bit over a year ago that I was told "who" the problem was, why and what a SOB I was.

Wow.  Scarlett can remember something that didn't happen 30+ years ago yet has difficulty remembering where her keys, her purse, her glasses are...

Are my glasses in my purse?  Where's my purse? Did I leave it in the restaurant?  What restaurant did I go to?  Was that today or yesterday?  What day is it today?  Am I supposed to be somewhere now?  What was I looking for?  Oh yeah, my phone.  I think it's with my glasses.  Where are they?  Oh I know they're in my purse.  I think.  Where are my keys?  In the car?  Did I take the car somewhere?  Where did I go?  Oh yeah, a restaurant.  I think.  What did I have to eat?  Did I pay?  I'm getting hungry.  What's in the refrig?  Shoot, I'm out of _______ guess I better go to the store.  Let me just get my keys.  Hey!  Where are my keys?  Damn dog, it's all his fault.  Oh there's the remote.  I was looking for that.  Good.  Now I can watch some TV.  Wait.  Am I going somewhere?  Yeah.  A restaurant.  Meeting....who?  I forgot.  Well they probably forgot too and anyway they can always call me.  Where's my phone?  I just had it!!  Or was that in the restaurant?  SALTY!!!!!  Crap.  I kicked him out.  He's not even here and it's his fault.  Well his and that damn dog of his.  It's his fault too!  Bad dog!!  Get out.  Go.  Shoo shoo shoo.  How am I going to do this?  How dare he have friends in high school!!  Who keeps in touch with them anyway?  That's not what he was doing.  I know.  Intuition.  I should call him and give him a piece of my mind.  Yeah, that's what I should do!  Where's that phone?  Oh yeah, it's with my keys.  And I put my keys.....damnit dog I told you to get out!

And on it goes.

Anyway, Scarlett has it all figured out.  At least as far as she is concerned.  Except that is when she needs me to do something.  I think I'm detecting a pattern here, but I digress.

Salty dog had need of a vet appointment.  Now I don't mind taking him but these things usually work better for all involved when the person who has noticed and dealt with whatever the issue/problem is is in attendance.  Poor Scarlett.  She had this class to try and learn how to use her phone and it's not like those classes are held everyday (oh wait they are) and so Salty Dog and I went to see our favorite vet.  He knows the drill by now.  I show up with Salty Dog and then attempt to explain to him what Scarlett has tried to tell me.  And together we figure out that Scarlett is either a loon or has created the problem that Salty Dog is having pretty much by her....not neglect but thinking she knows better than the vet as to how often he should have certain meds.

Anyway, the point of all of this is simply that the PD's seem to have an ability to keep on keeping on while those of us who are nonPD's have to sit down every once in awhile and try and make sense of all the foolishness that we've been subjected to.

So if this particular post sounds a bit disjoint, that might be why.

NOYDB

Did you ever have one of those WTF did I do now moments?  Yeah, I didn't think I was alone here!

Spent some time at Fog Beach this past Saturday watching an airshow, playing with Salty Dog and examining Tara just to update my mental list of what I'll need to do when I finally reclaim the house.  Scarlett was gone when I first arrived but showed up in the afternoon.  Lately (past 3, 4 maybe a little more, weeks) she's been easier to deal with, MUCH easier as a matter of fact and Saturday was no exception.

Sunday I stuck around the campsite trying to unbury myself on work items, but did have one conversation with her, think it had something to do with Salty Dog but the point is that it was all a very normal, adult like conversation.

Then Monday rolled around.  Started out okay, Scarlett had a couple of requests of me that were easy enough to take care of, nothing big or onerous and I was happy to oblige.  She's trying to stay on the friendly side of me for her reasons and I'm trying to do the same for my own.  Nothing necessarily wrong or underhanded with that, it just is what it is.

Anyway, one of the things she needed required me to put the item in my car and take it over.  No problem.  I can play with Salty Dog while I'm there and there were some things in the garage that I needed.  So that's what I did.  Get over there, play with Salty Dog, exchange some fairly innocuous conversational banter with Scarlett and I then prepare to leave.

For reasons only Scarlett would know, she choose that moment to try and start a very different conversation.  

Are you dating anyone? 

Huh?  No.

Are you talking to anyone?

Not today.......

Are you talking to her?  You're talking to her again aren't you?  God, I don't care who you talk to, just not her!  She's a bad seed!  She will destroy you!  Don't talk to her!  Do you hear me? Don't talk to her!!

Uh, yeah.  And why is any of that your business?

Well I'll just take that as a yes.

You should take it as a "why is that any of your business" but whatever.  Thanks for the heads up.  Duly noted.

She destroyed her first two marriages.  She ruined ours!  She will destroy you.


Now, at this point I really wanted to point out that the only person who "ruined our marriage" was the person I was standing in front of, looking at and listening to.  

However, I've been down that road before.  Trust me, it leads nowhere.  

So I again said thanks for the heads up, I'll take that into consideration.

Friends help friends like this!

If you say so (and I started again for my car)

Scarlett called me twice shortly after I'd left.  The first call she hung up due to some phone issues but on the second call she reiterated her belief that I should not talk to "her".  I'll be destroyed (really, like life with you hasn't done any damage to me whatsoever...), she's a bad seed (something tells me the sermon she listened to on Sunday had that as a bullet point), she's destroyed two marriages (now that point is factually inaccurate but Scarlett states it as though she were there and knows all the details...when in fact she knows absolutely nothing).  Anyway, she went on pretty much repeating herself.  I finally decided that Scarlett had a good point.  I shouldn't talk to her.  So I hung up.

And so far Scarlett has been silent.  But I have a hunch an eruption is building up.

On not being surprised

Went to lunch with Scarlett today.  I wasn't sure what to expect but had a few things in my back pocket that I thought I could bring up if the situation called for it, if an opportunity arose or if she started getting demanding as to how things were going to go etc.

For better or worse I still have all those items in that back pocket of mine.  It really helps to drive home the correctness of your decision when you look back at something like this and realize you are surprised that things went along as smoothly as they did.

Not a bad surprise but certainly not anything I would reasonably expect given some of the recent history regarding our getting together.  I continue to believe that she sincerely wants to remain friends and that is something I have absolutely no issue with.  Better that than mortal enemies focused on nothing more than the utter destruction of the other.

Now, at the same time, I am not naive enough to believe that she wants to remain friends just for the sake of being friends.  She has her reasons and I think I know most of them.  Financial advice and help is near the top of that list.  Though that does not necessarily mean that she thinks she will be on the receiving end of additional dollars.  I know that's a hope of hers but I've been quite plain recently that in regards to that, it's pretty much a nonstarter.  

Earlier this week we had a discussion concerning a credit card bill of hers that was considerably higher than what she was apparently expecting.  Though how she could expect anything when she doesn't bother to keep track of what, when and how much she is charging baffles me.  So that was one of the first items I brought up in that conversation.  Due to the size of this bill, she was extremely concerned about how she would make it going forward.  And that was item two.

I know I've said and explained this to her many times before but once again I got to say to her that she will have to start living like the rest of us do.  Well.....she needed a little bit more explanation as to what I meant.  Really?  And there I go again being surprised when I just shouldn't be.  Anyway, as calmly and evenly as I could (which was actually easy because I enjoy these types of talks) I explained (again) that you, Scarlett, have to start prioritizing your spending.  There are non discretionary expenses (utilities, groceries...to a degree, insurance, taxes etc), there are discretionary expenses (entertainment, travel, clothing...to a degree, eating out etc) and then there are some grey areas.

We all need clothing and we all need food.  But we don't need a closet full of clothes nor do we need the most expensive cuts of beef, name brand paper towels, exotic and expensive fruit and vegetables yadda yadda yadda.  And when  I was done I reiterated that she will have to start living like the rest of us.  Her response, while joking in a way, also convinced me that I made the right decision.

NO she said.  

Uh, no what?

No I don't want to live like the rest of you.

Oh.  Well there are a lot of things that I don't want to do either that I have to do anyway.

I don't want to.  Where's that pot of money? (and this was said as a joke)

I don't know.  I've been looking for that for years and haven't found it yet.  Nor, apparently did your forensic accountants.  (as an aside, Scarlett hired her own forensic accountants early on to "find all the things I'd hidden")  but if you happen to come across it, please tell me.

And with that, that particular conversation was over with.

You know, I keep asking myself, how can someone, who is on the backside of 50, NOT understand that you don't go blowing every dime you have on fun, fun, fun.  For 30 some years I made this point over and over again.  Hell, everyday was a living example of this.  I budgeted (she was never interested in the process), I weighed the pros and cons of discretionary major expenses (sometimes she'd join in other times not), I worked as an accountant for most of our married life and told her horror stories of people who hadn't managed their money, and then I started to actively manage various investment accounts.

It isn't like this is anything new to her, or at least it shouldn't be if she'd been paying the least amount of attention over the years.  There is nothing hard here.  It is not rocket science.  But it does have the unfortunate effect of forcing a decision between play and responsibility.

And once again, there I go.  Being surprised when I really shouldn't be.