Gone Dark

This morning I was greeted with 23 separate texts from Scarlett running the gamut between my mental state, her "Christianity", what medications I am or am not on and more or less ending with some veiled threat concerning an eventual settlement and court.  I responded to 6 of those texts as well as ignoring one phone call from her in the midst of her text storm.

Shortly after that fun had died down, I received an email from my attorney telling me he had just spoken to Scarlett's attorney and that she was complaining about me trying to contact her by text, phone and email and she wanted to pursue a restraining order.

My attorney suspected that much, most, if not all of what he'd heard was probably hyperbole but that it would still be in my best interests to just "go dark".  Which sounded like an excellent idea to me.

So I have blocked both of her numbers as well as her email address (which I own and control anyway) from my phone and email.  The silence that has ensued is truly golden, with the added benefit that, knowing Scarlett, she is probably now climbing the walls and jumping out of her skin because I am ignoring her.  That is one thing the Cluster B's just will not tolerate.  Being ignored.

They need their drama, their chaos and conflict.  And they need someone else to supply the raw material for that drama, chaos and conflict.  Sorry Scarlett.  I've grown tired of the game.  The lies.  The hypocrisy.  The 180 degree turns.  I am done.  Finished.  Through.

I was advised to do all of this shortly after this divorce proceeding started.  I didn't feel then that it was a good idea.  Funny how someone twisting reality and making it sound like they've been the innocent victim in all the drama they themselves have created can change your mind.

Good luck Scarlett.  I await your psychotic break with eager anticipation.

Twas the night before Christmas

“‘Twas The Night Before Christmas”


‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, only Salty Dog was sleeping, not so the louse. Her stockings were flung by the bed with no care, in anticipation of Pecker soon to be there.

The neighbors were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of sugarplums danced in their heads. And good people in town, and I at my site, had just settled our brains for a long winter night.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, Scarlett sprang from her bed to see what was the matter. Away to the window she flew like a flash, tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon, on the breast of the new-fallen snow, gave a luster of midday to objects below, when, what to her cheating eyes should appear, but a miniature uber and eight tiny men (my dear), with a little old driver so lively and quick, she knew in a moment it must be St. Dick!
More rapid than eagles his cheaters they came, and he whistled and shouted but Scarlett called them by name:

“Now, Pecker! Now, Arnie! Now, Kirk and whoever! On, roommate! On, wedding guy! On,

Bud and no name! In the backseat, against the wall, now, ravage me! Ravage me! Ravage

me all!”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky, so up to the driveway the cheaters they flew, with the uber full of sex toys, and St. Dickolas too. And then, in a twinkling, she heard on the ground the prancing and pawing of each little sex hound. As she drew in her head, and was turning around, up the stairs St. Dickolas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished with blood and goop; a bundle of sex toys he had flung on his back, and he looked like a pervert just opening his crack. His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry! His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry. His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, and the bottle in his hand was empty long ago.


The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath. He had a broad face and a little round belly that shook when he laughed like a bowl full of KY jelly. He was chubby and plump, a right sick little elf, and she screamed when she saw him, in spite of herself.


A wink of his eye and a twist of his head soon gave her to know she had everything to dread. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, and defiled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk. Laying his finger aside of his nose, and giving a nod, down the stairs he go'ed. He sprang to his uber, to his team gave a whistle, and away they all flew like the down of a thistle. But she heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight…


“You had a good thing, but Satan awaits you this night!”

Go To Jail, Go Directly To Jail...Or Not

Some background;  Got a call from Scarlett who was at the store wanting to know whether I had carried through on my warning to her that I would be taking her off the one remaining credit card of mine that she was still using.  Told her yes.  And she hung up.  A little later I received another call informing me that what I'd done was illegal and that I could go to jail so I better reinstate her pronto.  She told me to review the back page of the divorce summons she'd had me served with a year ago this past May.

What follows, in the order that it occured is the email exchange between us.  I post this not to necessarily cast any aspersions on Scarlett but to show beyond a shadow of a doubt, that my claims of her immaturity, inability to properly handle money, piss poor decision making capability as well as her desire to put the responsibility for her actions onto others is not just some fantasy of mine.

- Salty

On Dec 23, 2017, at 3:42 PM, Salty wrote:

So I'm going to jail? Because I removed you as an authorized user from my credit card? Not hardly.

That does not fall under my fiduciary duty. What does fall under that category is the requirement to provide 5 days advance notice prior to incurring any extraordinary expense. You know, like..oh let me think...$**,000 of cash "gifts". Like that.

You don't have any money? Tough. Maybe if you hadn't spent the past 19 months giving it away to XXXX, XXXXX, XXXX, eating establishments, church, Venus, some dumb kid in Central America or wherever that scam is taking place, triple pane windows....and that's just off the top of my head concerning the money you liberated from A*** and the safes that you yourself spent.

Over that same 19 month span of time you also managed to charge over $**,000 on just the S******* card! In other words, what you blew through in 19 months is what some FAMILIES live on for a year! And you think I'm going to reinstate anything? No. Let me repeat that. NO!

Reclaim the money you gave away from XXXX. From XXXXX. From XXXX. Why the hell did I have to pay almost $*00 to fix her washer when you'd already given her (at least) $*,000 of OUR money??

You blew it Scarlett. Big time. I told you for years to slow it down. I even told you during the past 19 months to slow it down. Told you you better be careful. Did you listen? Absolutely not. And what happened? Exactly what I knew would happen. You spent yourself broke and now you're trying to drag me down with you. Piss on that.

You know what the final straw was that led me to removing you as an authorized user? Of course you do. But just in case - your absolutely stupid, humiliating, teenage f**k me night with "boy" ...and how did that end?? Oh yeah, with you in a puddle of your own blood, slipping and falling in your own blood and defiling a marriage bed with that same blood. You must be so proud. Does your mom know about this? Someone really ought to tell her....

You made your (bloody) bed Scarlett. Hope you enjoy lying in it. Maybe Mr. too-afraid-to-come-out-and-face-me-Mercedes can help you out. Unbelievable! Did that poor sap know he was sleeping in a bed stained in blood and who knows what else from someone else from only a week ago??

You are sick Scarlett. Really sick. Or maybe you just never grew up. Or both. A sick little teenager.

From: Scarlett
Sent: Saturday, December 23, 2017 3:48 PM
To: Salty
Subject: Re: Jail

Yes. You WILL go to jail. Merry Christmas. I have 0 money to buy gifts. Thanks for making it even better. I just wanted it to be January so I could get as far away from you as possible. Congratulations! You have just made it lovelier. No I have no money to buy gifts, eat, or put gas in my car. YES!! It is illegal for you to do this!!!

Uh, no Scarlett.  It is stupid, irresponsible, immature and foolish for you to have done this to yourself.  Were $**,000 of gifts necessary?  NO.  Triple pane windows? NO.  A cruise?  NO.  Almost $*,000 (probably more) of clothes? NO.  Dance lessons? NO.  Dance shoes? NO.  Central American poor kid scam? NO.  Constantly eating out?  NO.  Changing locks?  NO.  Destroying safes?  NO.  An ER visit on 12/14 due to an illicit sexual encounter? NO.

You have NO money to buy gifts or gas because of what YOU foolishly decided to spend money on!  Illegal for ME to do this???  I had NOTHING to do with it except to again and again and again try and talk SOME sense into you!  YOU did this to yourself Scarlett.  YOU!  Not me.  It's long past time that YOU take responsibility for YOUR actions!  YOU took $**,000 and change away from me last year.  $** grand.  FAMILIES live on that.  YOU pissed it away.  YOU!  And now you try and pin the blame for YOUR irresponsible actions on someone else?  Please, bring the charges.  I will relish explaining all of this to any judge!

YOU are responsible for your stupid, immature, childish decisions and YOU get to deal with the consequences of those stupid, immature and childish decisions.  YOU!  Not me.  YOU!

Surprised you voted for Trump when Bernie seems more your style.  But the problem with socialism, as you've just discovered, is that eventually you run out of other people's money to piss away.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello, My Name Is...

So I had to run over to a drug store to pick up some Rx's for myself.  It's close to Tara so I drove by and what did my eyes see but a strange car parked in my driveway.  Being the curious sort, I stopped and pulled in right behind it.  Then I retrieved my phone and called Scarlett to inquire who her house guest was.

"Fuck!  I didn't ask you to come over!"  was her response.  Sounds like an awfully long name to me....the little man probably was made fun of all through school with that kind of name.

Fuck!  Pay attention in class.
Fuck! If you have something to share I'm sure the rest of the class would be interested.  Fuck! How many times do I need to tell you to be quiet?
Fuck! One more peep out of you and you're going to the principal's office!
Fuck! I didn't ask you to come over! I will only say this one more time.  Are you hearing me?

And can you imagine the playground?

Fuck! You don't know shit.  So let me introduce you, Fuck!, this is Shit.  Shit, this is Fuck!

I feel an Abbott and Costello bit coming on....

Anyway, I continue my inquiry and note that Scarlett is quickly (re)gaining her reputation as a whore.  My calls continue for a few minutes as she for one reason or another seems to be hanging up on me.  Can't imagine why.

Scarlett finally emerges from what is now the neighborhood whorehouse and asks "What is wrong with you?"  What's wrong with me?  Seriously?  So I just ask again (this gets so tiring) who her house guest is.  "I'm getting on with my life" is the response.  What?  This guy has multiple names??  But on the hunch that what she just said was not his name but instead a statement of some sort I corrected her by telling her that in fact her life was not "getting on" as she thought but rather was headed down the toilet.

She took offense to that and announced that she was going back inside and calling the police.  I invited her to do just that so that there would be a record of her and her behavior.  But I also had Rx's to pick up.  So, since Fuck! was not going to come out and play I left.

About half an hour or so later I received a call from Tara.  However, it was a male voice who asked if he was speaking to Salty.  I informed him that this was indeed his phone.  He proceeded to tell me that he was Officer Whatshisname from the Fog Beach PD.  My response was "So says the voice on the phone".  He managed to convince me that he was who he said he was and not Fuck!.

So we had a nice little conversation about what does and does not constitute harassment, my concern about a total stranger being in a house that I own the majority of and that still contains the vast majority of my items, items that I have no idea whether they are being pocketed by Mr. Fuck! or destroyed, damaged, being listed on ebay, etc.  Mr. Officer seemed to understand my concern but wanted to make it clear to me that I was not to come over to MY house unless specifically asked and that he had listened to my messages and that if those were to continue it could be construed as a crime.

So I asked Mr. Officer if I could ask him a question.  Sure, he said.  Okay then, if voice mails can be considered harassment and possibly a crime, what about emails?  Why yes, he said those as well.  Good.  Because I have saved in excess of 200 emails from Scarlett that make what I said in 5 messages look pale by comparison.  I also informed him that yes, I have come over to MY house a handful of times unannounced but by far the vast majority - 98% or so of the time, have been at her request or command.

I was informed that he was not going to be doing anything more than just writing up a report but if this behaviour (on both ends) continued that either one of us could request a restraining order on the other.  Color me gobsmacked.....

And that's where it lies now.  Scarlett believes that she really put Salty in his place when all she really accomplished was reducing her share of the settlement even further.  Not to mention now being completely on her own.

Still don't know what Fuck! looks like but I have a hunch it's something like a little sniveling 98 pound weakling and coward who sends a whore out to do his talking for him.

Told you I was going to start having some fun with this!

Fog Beach Floozie

floozie  

floo·zy also floo·zie  (flo͞o′zē)

n. pl. floo·zies Slang

A woman who is regarded as tawdry or sexually promiscuous.  A vulgar promiscuous woman who flouts propriety.

 Noun: floozie - a prostitute who attracts customers by walking the streets

Thesaurus:

hustler, slattern, street girl, streetwalker, floozy, hooker

bawd, cocotte, cyprian, fancy woman, harlot, lady of pleasure, prostitute, sporting lady, tart, whore, woman of the street, working girl - a woman who engages in sexual intercourse for money, hussy, jade, slut, tramp, wanton, wench.

I like to define my terms so everyone knows what I'm talking about.  The above definition, complete with synonyms, pretty much describes the person that I have spent the last 30 years (and counting) of my life with.  I am astounded that I was not the victim of some STD but grateful nevertheless.

I recently came into possession of additional information concerning Scarlett and her proclivity for promiscuity.  This woman has a serious, serious problem.  I don't think it too far from the truth to say that if it walks, if it breathes, if it has a male sex organ, Scarlett is most definitely interested.  Color, creed, religion, national origin, marital status - none of that is any concern seemingly.

From the back seat of a car during the interlude between a wedding and a reception (not hers), numerous first "date" romps in strange bedrooms with men she barely knew, best friends of others she knew, total strangers , to next door neighbors I doubt if there is any situation that Scarlett has not "done it" in or tried to figure out a way to do it and who with.

I cannot be out of this sham, scam and joke of a marriage fast enough.  Though not at any cost.  Rather, I am even more adamant in my goal of seeing to it that she walks with as little as legally permissible.  No doubt whatever it is that she feels she was cheated out of (which would be an ironic thought and choice of words for her), she can easily walk the streets and turn a few tricks to make it up.

I recall her many times referring to someone she doesn't even know as a Gold Digging Whore.  Truer words were never spoken.  About Scarlett. 

Do I care or give a damn anymore what Scarlett does or thinks?  Here's a handy gauge expressly designed to measure how much of a fuck one gives.

 

Stay Salty my friends!

Frequent Flyers

Been a little quiet since Friday but Scarlett has this way of just not leaving well enough alone.

Saturday I was the lucky recipient of yet one more desperate try/plea to get me to reconsider some sort of reconciliation.  Given all that she has done and said I think it's fair to say that what she's asking is not really a request that I reconsider but rather that I erase from memory  everything she has seen fit to do these past 19 months.

For the life of me I can't figure out why, even in her distorted mind, she would think that would have a snowball's chance in hell of happening.  My best guess is that it has to do with $$$ that I know she is getting tighter and tighter on.  Unfortunately for her I am long past the point of giving a tinker's damn.  She made a lot of very bad and short sighted monetary decisions that are now all coming home to roost.  And Salty has removed his safety net so she has nowhere to fall but flat on her face or her ass.

And her dating decisions of late have been equally disastrous.  Not sure where Pecker stands on her list of priorities at the moment because she is now investigating bachelor #3.
The reference to the old Dating Game show is not accidental.  Bachelor #3 hails from an area approximately 3 hours driving from Tara.  Texting has been the mode of communication I am led to believe up until today.  Arnie, as I will call him (mind if I call you Arnie, Arnie?  You can call me relieved), has already professed his love for Scarlett sight unseen.  And he came to Tara today for a morning date.

There is something really odd about someone who claims to "love you" before they have even seen you (though I grant that the blind can and do fall in love) and claim a willingness to follow you wherever you go.  Scarlett's plan to move 3,000 miles away was apparently a topic of conversation which didn't seem to faze Arnie one bit.

Stalker comes to mind.  As does unbalanced.  Odd.  Psychotic.

Anyway, having some idea now of what Scarlett likes to do on first dates I wondered what she could possibly do today.  Her trip to the ER last week has, to use a baseball term, put her on the "bench" for at least 6 weeks.  Now what?  Movies?  Lunch?  Dinner?  Walks?  Hardly what someone with the sex drive of a 17 year old boy (her words not mine) really wants to do or finds enjoyable.

Perhaps this is something that shouldn't be made light of but the other thing I discovered is that while Scarlett believes that God is probably not too pleased with her behavior of late, her attitude is that He understands.  And if He doesn't, well that's just too bad for Him because she's going to continue to do it anyway.  God can either like it or lump it.

Not sure which sect of Christianity that belief arises from.

But, if she intends on following through with this game plan, for her sake I can only hope that the hospital has a Frequent F**ker plan she can enroll in.

Quote

"Trials are medicines which our gracious and wise Physician prescribes because we need them; and he proportions the frequency and weight of them to what the case requires.  Let us trust His skill and thank Him for his prescription."

- Isaac Newton

Spin Cycle

I think we all reach a point where we just get tired and fed up with being lied to.

There are white lies, lies of omission, lies of commission, inadvertent lies, serious lies, stupid lies and the list goes on.  Each is told for a purpose. Sometimes noble, sometimes humanitarian, sometimes to save face, sometimes to hide an error (whether in judgement, action or otherwise), sometimes to divert attention and sometimes the liar just lies because they have been doing it so long that they've become pathological.

I don't think Scarlett has reached the pathological stage...yet.  She won't lie when the truth would sound better, but she is getting close.

I was informed today that Pecker (from yesterday's blog) came over yesterday morning to help her because of her little visit to the ER.  I was also informed that the trip to the ER was not caused by him or anything he did.  No, it was instead caused by me.  It was my fault.

Okay.  By this point I am used to being blamed for things.  I'm used to hearing how most of her problems are my fault.  I am to blame. Me, me, me.  She is perfect and godly and all the rest of the nice and sweet little stuff.

But really.  If you are going to pin the blame for something on someone it might be good for your case if that individual can be shown to have been there and also did something to cause the problem you are attempting to pin on him.

Or not.  Apparently, unbeknownst to me, merely speaking the words makes it true.  Man, I want that job!  But I guess that doesn't exist in the real world.  It does however in Scarlett's.

She decided to try and spin all the events of yesterday into either being my fault or due to some "medical condition".  When I brought up the inconvenient fact that the physical evidence I saw and photographed (a blood stained mattress with the bulk of the stain located in the general area of a certain body cavity) contradicted her statement that nothing happened, she just woke up like that for no apparent reason, she then changed her story to one in which I was somehow the villain.  Yet I was nowhere around.  Hmmm.

Then she tells me that Pecker had only arrived that morning to "help her" because of her ER visit.  So, why did he have that overnight bag with him when he finally vacated my property I innocently asked.  "Well he carries that with him everywhere he goes" she replied.

You mean like a homeless guy?  There was no response to that question.

After about 10 minutes of this foolishness I just told Scarlett that I was tired of listening to all her lies.  I was born in the dark but I wasn't born yesterday.  I know damn well that Pecker was there during the evening, you know it, the paramedics know it, the ER doctors know it.

Well she finally caved and admitted that yes Pecker had come over that day and spent the night.  Told her it was refreshing to hear the truth.  For once.

Happily that phone call finally ended but it was later resurrected by email.  Now she was back on her 30 years of marriage jag.  Sort of.  Except this time it was a little different because she couldn't say she was going to be old, alone, sick, and die alone.  Hard to say that when you have some young buck sharing what had been your marriage bed with you I guess.  But good old Scarlett soldiered on anyway.

Again, my fault, my doing, she was pure as the driven snow.  Godly woman.  Worshiped the ground that I walked on (where she spits, grass never grows again...), cut down in her prime, oh what a wonderful wife she was, I didn't realize it, took advantage of her love  blah-de-blah-de-blah.

She couldn't for the life of her understand my reservations about having some strange young Pecker in the house.  A Pecker I reminded her I knew nothing about.  Age?  Occupation?  Living arrangements?  Car?  Police record?  I seriously doubt Scarlett knows the answers to a lot of those questions yet she claims to be "in love" with Pecker.  More power to ya Scarlett but I guess I'm just old fashioned.  I still think you need to KNOW the person first.  But I suppose that's just my fuddy duddiness showing.

And because I saw fit yesterday to show up at Tara to walk Salty Dog, as she requested, she now wants my key returned.  I was also informed that she will do whatever she damn well pleases in that house regardless of any humiliation I may suffer.  Truthfully, there isn't anything she can do that would humiliate me.  Humiliate her on the other hand?  Oh, she does that in spades.  But being the stupid little dumbshit she is, she just doesn't see it.  Or at least acknowledge it.  Anyway, my response to that was:

She was informed that there will be a walk through of Tara prior to any money changing hands to note any and all damage that her and her prepubescent manchild have inflicted on the property.  That there will now be a time limit attached to her continued residence at Tara after she has been bought out and that rent will be levied for each day that she is late.

Finally, after all this time, I think I'm going to have some fun with this.

There Will Be Blood

So.  I've been keeping some things under wraps these past few weeks because up until today they really weren't too much of an issue.  That changed fast.

Back before Thanksgiving, when Scarlett was 3,000 miles away, she put a profile up on some dating site.  Got something like 300 hits which made her feel good and special.  Once she got back to Tara she winnowed that down to about half a dozen or so.  The first dude she went out with was "too old" and too "stuck in his ways" whatever that might mean.  Ok.  Strike one.

Guy #2 was far more interesting.  Younger than her (which is what she wanted) and I don't know what else.  Well, they set a first date which consisted of him coming over to Tara where Scarlett was going to fix him dinner.  Maybe it's just me but I kind of think that a first date should be held in a more public place in case you find yourself with a lunatic of some sort.  Whatever.

So this date, a week (maybe 2) ago started out that way, then they watched a movie or two and....it became a sleepover.  There's that old time religion for you.....

Well a couple of days later, I get a call from Scarlett who is headed to Urgent Care with what she thinks is a bladder infection.  And as it turned out that's pretty much what it was.  But theses types of infections are also called Honeymoon Cystitis .  Huh.

Okay.  So we know how that first date went and we're getting a pretty good feel for the type of person Scarlett really is.  But then along came date #2 with this guy.  I think I'll just refer to him as Pecker.

So, Scarlett calls me yesterday to tell me that she will not be going to her usual Thursday morning function at her church and therefore I will not need to come over to Tara to walk Salty Dog.  Huh.  My spidey sense tells me something is up.  Well, courtesy of a neighborhood mole I have my suspicions confirmed that in fact Pecker is coming over that evening and it will be yet another sleep over.

This morning upon waking up I find two voice mails from Scarlett.  The first informs me that she is in the emergency room with really no details.  The second informs me that a neighbor will be picking her up from the emergency room, she lost a lot of blood.  Now things are sounding strange.

So I call Scarlett who is now at Tara.  She is feeding Salty Dog but would like me to come over later today to walk him.  Ok.  And when I asked what happened I am told that she had an asthma attack, fell down, cut her forehead, lost a lot of blood and called 911 to take her to the emergency room.

Asthma, loss of blood???  Yeah.  Something here just doesn't foot.

Always good to have a mole to confirm or deny information you get from questionable sources.  Lucky for me, I just happen to have one such individual.  So I place a call and lo and behold discover that most of what I've just been told is....oh, how should I phrase this?

Not quite true.  Mostly lies.  100% pure unadulterated horseshit.

So, precisely what did occur that found Scarlett on yet another 911 ride to emergency?

Hemorrhaging.  From her delicate parts.  Thanks to Mr. Pecker.  And she slipped in her own blood, hit her head which caused even more bleeding.  Way to go Scarlett.  You show those young bucks you still have poise, class and a godly nature.

So, neighbor brings Scarlett back to Tara.  She's asked if Pecker is still there.  Oh, no, I gave him some money and told him to call Uber to take him home.  Home?  To mommy and daddy's?  To the dorms?  Mr. Pecker doesn't own a car?  Does he have a driver's license?  The mind reels with all these unanswered questions.

And to back up just a bit.  Scarlett, after calling 911, called this neighbor (at 3 in the AM) to say that Pecker has to be protected.  Apparently she was anticipating the arrival of Police who would see the bloody floors, sheets, mattress, Scarlett's cut on her head, and black eye (which she apparently received by walking into a microphone the other day - more class and poise...) and would naturally assume that Pecker probably should be questioned.

Okay, so we have Scarlett back at Tara with no key.  The good samaritan neighbor does have a key and opens the door for Scarlett.  Scarlett mentions the mess upstairs and neighbor goes up to look.  And who's still there...Pecker.  Probably not the manner in which he really wanted to meet one of the neighbors.  But in the scheme of things this is going to be one of his lesser worries.

So Scarlett is informed that Pecker is still there.  Neighbor leaves and a little later Scarlett calls me to come walk Salty Dog later today.

I go over to Tara, now aware of these facts but thinking that Pecker surely must be gone by now.  I am not going to confront Scarlett with any of this but will point out inconsistencies in her story and allow her to dangle and eventually hang herself.  But as it turned out that wasn't necessary.

I arrive at Tara, see Salty Dog in the garage but hear voices inside my house.  Hmmm.  So I open the door and what do my eyes behold?  Why, it's Scarlett, in her usual place, reclined on the couch (in her bathrobe) and Pecker standing by my kitchen sink.

I politely asked 

"Who the fuck is this?"  To which Pecker responded "I'm Pecker".

Scarlett at this point is being oh so Christian and Godly saying "Oh fuck, what are you doing here?"

I'm not paying much attention to the whore on the couch, instead my attention is directed to the asshat who is standing in my kitchen.  "Get the fuck out of my house boy" I politely told him.  Then I looked at Scarlett and oh what a sight she was.  Slept on hair, black eye, white as a sheet with nice cut on her face running from mid forehead down towards her other eye.

"You did this to her?" I inquired of Pecker.  I dindu nuffin.  Now, in all fairness, he does look like maybe half of that is true but there's a dindu in the woodpile somewhere in his family tree...

So I offered to call the police.  "You don't need to call the police" I am informed by Scarlett.  He dindu nuffin.  Yes, we've already established he's a dindu nuffin.  So, remembering that there is one item upstairs I do need to retrieve I go up stairs leaving Scarlett and Pecker to contemplate their respective fates and whether the previous night's activities were worth the cost that Scarlett will now be paying.  More on that below.

Upon arriving upstairs I see the bedroom.  To Pecker's credit he must have spent some time cleaning up the mess.  But there isn't much you can do about a blood stained mattress.  It looked like some animal had been sacrificed rather ruthlessly and with little regard to it's comfort.  Suffice to say that that mattress is now 100% Scarlett's.

Whilst up there, I say in a voice loud enough for the two irresponsible children downstairs to hear "You fucking hypocrite bitch.  You made me promise and swear that I would not bring any woman into this house while you were gone because that would humiliate you with the neighbors.  And what did YOU do?"

Now, in truth, I didn't need to do anything as Scarlett has already single handedly humiliated herself in the neighborhood with absolutely no help or assistance required from me.  Still, the hypocrisy of it all is almost too much to stomach.

So, back downstairs I go, tell Pecker who is still there (what the hell is the matter with kids now days?) to get the fuck out of my house and off my fucking property.  Really, how many times do you need to tell people something?  Especially people who should realize that maybe, just maybe they are in the wrong place at the wrong time.  Seriously, this younger generation....what the hell are they using for brains?  Their peckers?

My grandad, rest his soul, told me something years and years ago before I even had a driver's license.  He said, Salty:

A man is born with two heads to use

Success depends on which you choose

Heads you win, tails you lose.

I guess Pecker didn't have as wise a grandfather as I did.

Anyway, I am now out of my house (amazing the stench that a house takes on when there is no clean living going on) and am in my car.  Pecker still hasn't left.  So I position my car so I can look straight at my front door.  Pecker and Scarlett finally show their sinful faces and Pecker hoists a small duffel/gym bag over his shoulder and begins to walk down my driveway.  I politely ask him - "Doesn't the little boy have a driver's license?"  His reply was that he did but he didn't drive while drinking.  Yeah, I figured that too was part of last nights festivities.  So, being the responsible adult I am I reminded him that perhaps "maybe you shouldn't be drinking asshole."  Surprisingly, he did not thank me for that very good and healthy advice.  Kids.  Sometimes they can be just so unappreciative.

And that leaves Scarlett still at the front door, now looking at me.  Oh if looks could kill.

She blathers something about it being her house and we aren't married anymore.

Once again, she has her facts all screwed up.

So I respond - "Sadly, we are still married.  And that deal I offered you Tuesday?  Yeah, that's off the table.  You won't have very much left over once this is done.  Bitch."

So what was that deal I refer to?

We had a mediation meeting Tuesday wherein which I pretty much gave her far far more than even a judge would have required.  All she needed to do was keep her nose clean for a couple of days and the documents would've been signed and she would've been on her way.

Now?  

How should I say this?

Scarlett wanted to get screwed.  And with the help of my attorney I plan on doing that to her good and hard.  Not quite in the manner that Pecker did her, I'm not out for physical blood, but there will be blood.

While I was in the bathtub

So, Scarlett is still seeing Irving on Saturdays and I am still paying for each of those sessions.  That's fine, I agreed to that so not a problem.  But Scarlett had some other plans yesterday which conflicted with that appointment.

But, a little while ago I got an alert that a charge had been run through for that session.  So I sent Scarlett an email asking her if she had seen Irving yesterday or if the charge I was seeing was for a missed appointment.

Her response?  "While I was in the bathtub."

Huh?  Maybe it's just me but I didn't see the correlation between that answer and the original question.  So, wanting some additional clarification on the matter I responded with

"While you were in the bathtub?  What the hell does that have to do with whether you saw Irving yesterday or if I'm seeing a charge for a missed appointment?"

Her response?  "I was bathing".

Okay....one of us is really losing it here and I suspect it's not me.  So in order to try and make some sense out of this I responded with

"That's what most people do in the bathtub but I fail to see how that answers my question".

She responds with "I TOLD YOU IT WAS A PHONE APPOINTMENT"

Now things are making a little more sense.  Not much but a little.  So I respond with the following -

"So, you had a phone appointment with Irving yesterday while you were in the bathtub bathing?  Correct?"

Time passes.  Minutes go by.  Then my phone rings.  Scarlett.  I pick up the phone and say hello.

Why are yelling at me?

Uh, I wasn't yelling at you.  You were the one who went all CAPS on me which is the written equivalent of yelling.

Well I was mad!  Yes, I had a phone appointment with him yesterday.

In the bathtub?

I forgot.  I'm forgetting a lot of things lately.

You forgot you had an appointment with him yesterday?

Yes.  He called while I was in the bathtub and I asked if we could have a phone appointment because I wasn't going to be able to make it there.

So....he called you because you were late and he wanted to see if you were going to make it?

Yes.

But....You just got done screaming at me in an email that you'd told me it was a phone appointment.  As though it was set up beforehand and you had let me know.  Now how could you have done that when it was his call to you to see if you were going to make it to the appointment that set up the phone appointment to begin with?

I don't know.  I forgot.  I told you I'm forgetting a lot of things lately.

Uh, you have the capability with your smart phone to make notes, set alerts that kind of thing.  I know because I can even do that on my dumb phone.

Yeah.  I know.  But I haven't done it yet.  Don't know how.  I just have a lot going on right now.

And shortly after that the call was ended.

Sometimes, some days, I am just at a loss for words to truly describe what life with Scarlett was like.

Confusing and disorienting do a fairly good job of it though.

I hate this phone!

Having a few fires around us lately and as a result of one, Scarlett's family needed to evacuate and take shelter at Tara.  This has happened before so it's not something entirely new.

Earlier this year, to get the attention of some guy at church, Scarlett gave away a spare bed that we'd had.  She now regrets that hasty, ill thought out decision.  We also used to have an air mattress.  That too she gave away years ago.  So that leaves sleeping bags which I had placed out of sight and out of reach.

So she calls me with the news of her impending guests and wants to know if there are any sleeping bags here at my campsite.  No, there are not, but there are two there at Tara.  After arguing with me I just tell her to go look where I described putting them.  And she found them.

The city has also been doing some street work and in so doing they destroyed a portion of some irrigation lines of mine at Tara.  So today I called the city and asked if they would be replacing them.  Well, they need to send some dufus out to inspect the damage.  Fine.  Gave them the address, phone number as well as my number.  Afterwards I called Scarlett to give her some heads up.

Instead of answering her phone (her "smart phone" that she just had to have to make her life easier and better) with the standards Hello?, she instead answers with What do you want? in a rather irritated voice.  For crying out loud, her company hasn't been there 24 hours yet, they are HER family, and she's already in a pissy mood?  Fine.  Sadly that's just another thing I'm far too used to with her.  She also has me on speakerphone.  Something I really hate but no biggie right now.  So I tell her why I'm calling.  She gets even more irritated telling me SHE has things she has to do today.  So I explain that no one will be out to Tara today, likely next week.  Oh.  Okay then.

She then tried to do something with her phone.  I have no idea what but whatever it was she couldn't quite figure it out.  I HATE THIS PHONE!!! she says.  Guess somehow that must be my fault even though I tried to talk her out of getting the stupid thing to begin with.  Anyway, she finally gives up on the phone and returns to the topic at hand.  "Whatever" she says.  They can come out or not.  I don't care.  Not my house.

My assumption here is that she was trying to impress her audience with how forceful and independent she is.  I suspect what she managed to do instead was to help her family understand even more why I am gone and not returning.  Way to go Scarlett.

Anyway, after she said that I just said goodbye and hung up.  But then I got thinking.  If she believes that is NOT her house then perhaps I should call back and tell her to get her and her evacuated guests off my property.

Sometimes, well most of the time, it's just way too easy with Scarlett.

I wonder if the fire was my fault too?  Probably.

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

Every lie you tell, is another brick on your road to hell.

I think that's a Salty original but perhaps not.

So why are my thoughts swirling around lies, falsehoods, half truths, prevarications, fabrications, fibs, untruths, deception and dishonesty?  Seems to me it's because sooner or later that's what a divorce devolves down to.  And I've been the recipient of a few of these lately.

Most of them involve Scarlett and her piss poor ability to intelligently manage money.  That has been a central failing of hers for all the years we've been married so nothing really new under the sun there.  What I know, or can reasonably and logically deduce, given what I do in fact know and what I strongly suspect, when asked, she denies vehemently.  I am reminded of a line from Shakespeare's play Hamlet: "The lady doth protest too much, methinks".

I therefore believe that my suspicions are correct and that Scarlett has indeed been quite foolish and carefree with the money that she unilaterally entrusted to herself after spiriting it away from a joint account.  I am well aware that I am not the first poor slob to suffer thusly but others afflictions do little to relieve my own.

Anyway, it's not so much her inability to wisely manage assets that concerns me but rather the long term lingering effect that this will have on her.  Well, more to the point, the effect it may have on moi when the (almost) inevitable conversation occurs in which she pleads for mercy because she was-

Mad
Angry
Not in her right mind
Suffering from a genetic disposition related to half her ancestry
Suffering from another genetic disposition related to the other half of her ancestry
Not paying attention
Not looking ahead


And I know that the first of many of these conversations will shortly be taking place during an upcoming mediation meeting.  I suppose my only solace here is the knowledge that I have done nothing to exacerbate her current situation and that Scarlett seems to be thinking very seriously about a long distance move.  A move that would have many benefits not only for her but for myself as well.

Her funds would go further, she would be considerably closer to those she places a high value on at this time in her life, there are some companionship prospects there as well.  I would regain Tara without the fear of her showing up unannounced (or even announced) and trying to create chaos and havoc.  Salty dog and I could begin the process of recreating Tara to more closely resemble Salty Manor and just knowing that she was far, far away would do wonders for restful sleep.

As usual however in matters concerning Scarlett, this too may change.

The other aspect of her lies and deception really center on her penchant for hypocrisy.  Without delving into the details I'll just say that it revolves around some well known and well worn subjects -

Christianity
Moral codes
Behaviors
Conduct

And I'll leave it at that.  For now.

Signs, Signs Everywhere A Sign

Been thinking lately about all the signs we seem to miss in our relationships that if heeded would serve to clue us in that perhaps we need to get the hell outta Dodge.  If any of the following helps just one person, then I guess the rest of you still aren't paying close enough attention!

Signs you are in the wrong relationship:

1. You are told by more than one person, on more than one occasion what a saint you must be.

2.  You notice your friends not particularly interested in doing anything in which your spouse will be in attendance.

3.  The only way to stop a fight or an argument is to apologize for something you neither did nor said.

4.  You seem to be the only one who ever says I'm sorry even though you didn't do or say anything to be sorry for.

5.  You wonder just what the hell you did to yourself marrying this person.

6.  You can easily see how they benefit from this relationship but you're hard pressed to see how you do.

7.  You'd rather spend quality time with your dog.  In fact, you realize that time spent with your dog is quality.

8.  You are apologizing to neighbors for the other's behavior.

9.  The phrase "not on your meds" rings more and more true

10.  Where once you dreamed about spending the rest of your life with this person, you now dream of an escape no matter how short or fleeting.

11.  When you can leave the house by yourself, you take your sweet little time taking care of the errands and many times take the long way to get there.

12.  You dread the night time.

13.  You fantasize about the other having an affair and not in a bad way.

14.  You see a near miss in a crosswalk or parking lot and say a silent "damn, almost".

15.  You measure your trunk and think about how much of your important stuff you could cram in there before leaving.

16.  You look at new cars concentrating on trunk space.

17.  When out in public, you try and pretend you don't know the other one.

18.  Family gatherings usually serve to just knot your stomach up.

19.  Friends and family ask sincerely how do you put up with it.

20.  A little later, they ask why do you put up with it.

21.  You start Googling Divorce Attorneys

22.  The concept of sole and separate takes on a whole new meaning

23.  The idea of being cheated on is one you welcome

24.  Total strangers witness the others behavior and express their heartfelt wish for you to have a nice day.

25.  You think you may have chosen the wrong time to give up drinking. 

DC Comics #58

Well, that was nice while it lasted.  Spent a week at my home on Fog Beach with Salty Dog while Scarlett was 3,000 miles away.  But all good things must come to an end eventually and that did this past Monday.

Word on the street has it that Scarlett is lining up potential suitors as well as investigating a move to the locale she just returned from.  I've seen both these movies but I'm always up for a different ending.

Truth be told, as I remove my hat of sarcasm, my biggest and dearest wish for her is to find happiness.  Not the elusive kind that comes and goes with the latest purchase, the latest meal, the current fun, but the lasting variety.  The type you wake up with everyday.  The one that makes it a pleasure to get out of bed and meet the day head on.  Genuinely smile at those you meet, cease dwelling on the nagging doubts in your own head and enjoy your life.

I've known Scarlett for a few decades now and realized after not too many of those years that she can fake it pretty good.  But not for very long.  Spent an inordinate amount of my time (and therefore life) trying, in one way or another, to help her achieve that.  She would dispute that some days but I believe deep down she knows I truly had her best interests at heart.  Still do, which some days surprises me given what I've had to deal with during this ordeal.

The good doctor, the one with my Kona coffee, labels this as self defeating/self sabotaging/masochistic behavior.  His theory/opinion is that her dysfunction, seeming helplessness et.al. fulfills a need in me.  He has likened it to my putting on a Superman cape and riding to the rescue.

I can't say that I disagree and I am cognizant of his first and foremost duty to assist me in coming to terms with the various dynamics inside of me but, that said, I think the head shrink profession is at times too focused on the individual and fails to see the forest for the trees.  As a good friend is fond of saying (and I'm stealing this forevermore) sometimes you have to step away from the campfire to see the whole picture.

What I mean here is that the act of helping someone in need does not necessarily mean that you yourself suffer from some sort mental malady yourself.  Engaging in an act of kindness, practicing self sacrifice, helping those less fortunate, is not, in my opinion some character flaw.  Can it be taken to an extreme?  Certainly.  Should you first look out for yourself and then others?  As a general rule I would say yes.

But where do you draw the line?  Hard to say I think.  And, I imagine that line is going to be placed in different positions by different people depending on not only their own particular circumstances but also those of whom they are trying to help.

Have I taken my help to Scarlett to an extreme?  Many if not most have told me YES.  To a large extent I agree.  Does that now mean I cut her off entirely?  Make her go cold turkey as it were?  Uh, no.  It does mean I need to start tapering off and I have.  And that has not been the easiest thing to do.

I think I need to retire to the Fortress of Solitude and contemplate with  Jor-El.

This and that

Scarlett leaves in a couple of days to go visit a daughter and family 3,000 miles away.  She'll be gone for a week.  Myself, I will be taking up temporary residence in my house for that week.  I think her continued absence from the house lately has had some ill effects on Salty dog.  Earlier this year or maybe it was late last year, you know, the days all just run together at times.....he blew his coat.  Well, that's starting up again.  So my main project while I'm there is to give him the loving attention he seems to be anxious for.  Told him today (he's smarter than you think) that he and I were going to have some good times next week.  Eat some good food off the bbq, spend time out in the backyard making that look a bit more presentable (plus a lot of play), watch some good movies and go on some car rides.  I think he liked those ideas based on all the tail wagging I saw!

The good doctor weighed in this past week on the need for boundaries with Scarlett.   Again.  I'm not dense and I do *get it* but this is just one of those areas where I take baby steps.  I know Scarlett well enough that if I were to erect a full blown boundary wall that she would see that as a call to battle.  Something I really do not need to deal and contend with right now.  So the best I can do is to put up a few fence posts here and there, add in some cross members, maybe a strand or two of barb wire here and there and see what happens.  Not what the purists in this line of business seem to have in mind, but as I've discovered here, what sounds good is not necessarily what works out in the real world.

Take what you can, when you can and be happy for it.  At least that's my working theory.

Truth be told, it's been a depressing couple of weeks.  Why, I can't quite seem to put my finger on.  Is it due to the approaching mediation (that still has no date set)?  Might be.  Because I still worry about how Scarlett is going to handle herself when she's on her own?  Yeah, that's a concern whether it should be or not.

What I do know is that in the past week Scarlett has had more than her fair share of rejection.  Try as I might I just can't find any glee in that.  I sympathize with her, to a degree I also empathize but I also know that most of this has to do with her shooting off her mouth or trying to show off and having it fall flat.  I feel bad for her but at the same time have to corral what I would normally do or say.  Mixed messages and all that.

Strikes me again how easier this entire process would be were I dealing with someone who at heart wasn't a child.  And that too is why I hold my tongue quite a bit.  No point in chastising a child for doing something they cannot yet grasp the full implications of.  Better to take them aside and try and explain in terms they will understand why what happened to them happened.

Sounds good and I've tried that as well in the deep dark past.  Then I hear how she isn't stupid.  Don't treat me like a child.  How dumb do you think I am?  It wasn't me, it was them.  It's not my fault they blah blah blah.....and on and on it would go.

No Scarlett, you are not stupid.  But if that's true, then what I've seen and heard you do at times means that you are behaving thus with full knowledge of your actions.  Reminds me of an altercation I got into years and years ago.  Dumb jackass made a really botched attempt at parking his car and almost took mine out in the process.  When he finally got out of his car I asked him if he was drunk.  I get a weird look and his response, rather indignantly was that he was sober.  All I could say at that point was you drive that way sober?

A church story

So there's this woman I know who generally has a very high opinion of herself.  Goes to church, bible study, volunteers at her church, reads her bible, prays, helps those less fortunate than she - all very good and noble things.  I would go so far as to say that on paper, if her accomplishments, community involvements, volunteer activities were listed, that most anyone who read it would be quite impressed.

Well, due to factors completely unrelated to any of the above, this same woman finds herself in the midst of a divorce.  Given that 50% or so of first marriages end that way, this is not all that surprising.  But, this happens to be her second marriage.  And the chance of success for those marriages drops from 50% to about 35%.  So even less surprising.

Being the go-getter that she is, she decided sometime ago to get hubby #3 lined up.  Not a bad idea on her part because rumor has it that she deals with life far better when someone else is taking care of the details and leaving her to do what she will, when she will, how she will and why she will.  As they say, nice job if you can get it.

So being close to God as she is (or believes herself to be), she enlisted the Almighty's aid and assistance in this endeavor.  And she would tell you that He in fact spoke to her.  Not once or twice, but on a number of occasions concerning this matter of the heart.  Far be it from me to imply that He does not speak to us, personally I believe He does.  Though not necessarily in spoken form.  But that's me.

In any event, she claims to have heard, directly from Him, that a certain somebody at the church she attends is meant for her.  As luck would have it, this is also someone that she happens to be attracted to.  What are the odds?  Truly the Lord works in mysterious ways.  I mean of all the people He could possibly choose for you, imagine your good luck and fortune to have that also be someone you yourself find appealing.  I mean it's almost like you convinced yourself , you were engaging in a self fulfilling prophecy,  you weren't listening to God but yourself, this was ordained of God.

So, girded up with the armor of amore, what does this woman do?  Well, she first chides him on his lack of good looks (always a good opening line to get someone interested...) and then continues that line of thought with a comment about how no one would find what he has to say on Facebook as interesting.  Yep, she is going in for the kill.  A few weeks later, after yet another conversation with Father in Heaven, she decides to set the hook.  So while at a function that they both participate in that helps feed and clothe those down on their luck, she strikes.  Goes right for the jugular.  "Hey" she says to him, "would you like to get a cup of coffee with me?"  Poor guy apparently didn't know what hit him.  "With you?" he said.  "Yes with me" she replied.  His response was.......wait for it........No thank you.  "Why not?" was her plaintive plea.  "Because" he said, "I think you're a woman on the make here."

That response probably would've had more of an impact had she known what *on the make* meant.  But she knew enough that she knew whatever it meant it wasn't good.  So being the lady that she is, she politely "took him down a notch or two" and said something to the effect of how she wasn't on the make, and if she were it would only be for one night.  At a church.  In front of people she knows.  To someone she is attracted to.

I suppose it's probably just me, but when I heard this story I cringed for her.  Maybe it was something in the way I was brought up, or perhaps I missed that day at school, but I never thought it wise to insult or belittle them to whom you seek companionship with.

Be that as it may, this story doesn't quite end there.  As I mentioned, this particular woman is absolutely convinced that God has spoken to her and that this particular gentlemen is and was created (or recreated) for her and her alone.  In her words she is *stumped* at this man's reaction to her.  But then who's to say.  It could be that God hasn't gotten around to speaking to him yet, never did speak to her, is rethinking this whole thing, is jerking her chain, oh never mind.

 

Too many root canals

Had lunch yesterday with an old friend I hadn't seen in awhile.  He was somewhat aware of my situation but lacking most of the details, and I was vaguely aware of his but also lacking in details.  So we spent almost 3 hours over some good food getting one another up to speed.

I was glad to see this guy but also a little leery because he's known Scarlett for 10+ years more than I have.  Plus, he had been divorced from his wife, who was a friend of Scarlett's but had recently remarried her.  Neither of them have seen Scarlett or myself in 5 years or more for reasons unimportant here.

So, I didn't really know what to expect once the conversation veered into the catching up phase.  As it turned out, this was a conversation I probably should have had months and months ago.

Long story short, listening to my buddy tell me about Scarlett, what he had observed over the years, how he saw me react to her, the things he heard her say to me and others was like listening to myself.  I didn't need to provide explanations or background for him.  He knew.  In fact, as I discovered, he knew long before I did.  So why didn't he warn me years ago?  Well, I only met him through Scarlett after we were married.  At that point he thought it better to keep his thoughts to himself.

Now, his wife and Scarlett have a number of similarities, sadly for both of us, none of them good.  He can see and told me in great detail about Scarlett's selfishness, self absorption, hypocritical attitudes and behaviors etc.  And the woman he recently remarried has all these "qualities" as well, plus a substance abuse problem.   So where was this conversation headed?  I almost expected him to counsel me to follow his footsteps and reunite with Scarlett.  Instead, much to my relief he compared her to a bad tooth.  Told me that I'd gone through far too many root canals and it was time to just get rid of it.

No matter how convinced you are about the path you're on or about to take, there's nothing like another person, that you know and trust, who's also been there and knows the players involved, telling you that you made the right decision and giving you reasons for it that you weren't even aware of.

Another coffee break

Well if I've learned anything so far during this trial and tribulation it's that divorce, like old age, is not for pussies.  At least a divorce involving a cluster b personality.

Had another coffee break with the good doctor this evening and we spoke of Christ hanging on a cross, saviour complexes, self-esteem issues, rescuing and the need to do something good for your own self once in awhile.

He has me pegged as the type that likes to and wants to help people.  I know a few that would dispute that opinion vehemently but on balance I don't believe he is too far wrong.  Now, that's not something I would usually associate with being a character flaw but when taken to extremes....well, as the good book says, moderation in all things.

I don't want to keep beating a dying horse but when you find yourself coupled to a child who is actually an adult, that help, assistance, caring and concern just seems to come naturally.  And the more you engage in it, the more it becomes expected.  And the less appreciation you receive for your efforts.  Until it reaches a point where you have to ask yourself why are you doing this?

I believe there are a lot of different answers to that question, some perfectly reasonable, some not so.  In my case much of it was done to protect what I had or to at least minimize the potential damage that an otherwise hand's off approach may have resulted in.  I am told that that is not always the healthiest of courses but sometimes what sounds well, good and reasonable in one setting isn't such in the real world.  That's not a rationalization, merely an observation.

The problem all this leads to though is that a divorce, done properly, is a complete separation of the individuals involved.  And when I say done properly, I'm really saying in theory.  We do not live in a perfect world and we are not perfect individuals living perfect lives.  If we were, divorce would be an alien concept.  In some marriages gone south you have kids involved.  Others, you have pets.  Still others, who knows?  Friends?  Vacation spots, whatever.  My point being that as much as we might like to completely separate ourselves from our former spouse, that will not always be immediately possible.  With luck and the passage of time (to allow kids to grow up, pets (sadly) to pass on) the former ties you had become weaker and weaker.

Or, as I was told by someone the other day, anger trumps grief.  There will be some amount of grieving post-divorce, whether for the other person, over the circumstance, a feeling that somehow you "lost" or a feeling that you wasted so many years before your eyes were opened.  And that's where the anger comes in handy.  It's hard to feel sorrow over something that you're pissed as hell at!

So is there any real salient point here?  I have no idea.  I know the course I am on is the correct one though some days that doesn't make it easy.  Truth is, as much as I know that both Scarlett and I will be much happier apart and living our lives as we want to, not how the other would wish, it still hurts.  The parent in me wishes to make it all better but the adult in me says no.  I need to listen to the adult side more and find a different way to soothe the parent side.  At least that's what the good doctor intoned tonight.

His parting words were to do something I enjoy.  Go buy something for yourself maybe.

Yeah, he doesn't know me as well as he thinks....but if it's doctor's orders I'm thinking this might help =)

  

Thoughts on Mediation

Mediation draws closer though still no definite date that I know of yet.

Throughout this entire thing I have tried to treat Scarlett in as fair a manner as I possibly could.  Not because I hoped for any reciprocal effort on her part but simply because I have to look at myself in the mirror and I want to be able to say that I did all I could, all that I was obligated to do and in fact went above and beyond.

It's unimportant whether or not Scarlett takes note and equally unimportant if I get any kudos from her for my efforts.  I do what I do in this awful situation (there simply is no other way to describe it) for me and my well being.  At the end of this, I have to live with myself.

As regards Scarlett, she has her own free agency as we all do and I will not (or at least will try not to) judge her for exercising her right of action in ways that may be detrimental to her/me/us.  Just as I have to live with myself, so must she live with herself.

Now, that's not to say that I don't take exception to some of what she thinks, says and does.  I find some of that hurtful, some deceptive (towards me but also towards herself), some ludicrous, hilarious (in a sad way) but mostly maddening.  Scarlett is an adult yet her thinking in many areas, her expectations as well, are more those of a child.  How can you get mad at a child for not fully grasping and understanding adult concepts?

And maybe that's where my head has been these past few days.  I know the work ahead of us is not going to be easy.  I know that it will require give and take, compromise and negotiation.  I also know Scarlett.  My fear is that she will come to the table with a list of demands, ideas and fears not fully grounded in reality and expect me to accede to these demands and/or accept her version of reality.

Her attorney will likely be of little help simply because if he is not saying what she wants to hear than she will accuse him of not being on her side.  My attorney is suspect in her mind from the get go.  That leaves me.  Do I wind up in a position in which I am negotiating with myself against myself?  Quite possibly so.

Yet the truth, or at least my truth, is that someone needs to be Scarlett's advocate in a way that she will accept.  Am I taking on too much?  Am I taking responsibility for something that is really not my responsibility?  I keep going back to the child that inhabits that adult body.

I don't know.  The sheer exhaustion that my mind and body feel right now tells me this needs to be over and done soon.  Fitful sleep and days filled with worry, concern and angst are taking their toll.

 

Dante

YOU OWE ME AN APOLOGY!!!

If I had a dollar for each time I've heard that phrase from Scarlett I'd have me a nice little fully paid for rental cottage within easy walking distance of the ocean.

What is it with the PD's that they seem to think they're owed apologies for what they perceive as any type of slight?  Put aside for now whether one in fact occurred or not.  Most of the time what's taken as an insult or a put down or some such is nothing even close.

Scarlett and I have had our share (and probably the share of a few others---whoever you are you're welcome) of disagreements and arguments over the years.  You put two people together long enough and that is going to happen.  Human nature.

I'm more interested though in the *whys* behind, or that frame, the disagreement/argument.  Is it just a basic difference in values?  A difference of opinions which both sides can support with evidence?  Or is it emotional?  A lack of fundamental understanding?  Ignorance?  Or just a temper tantrum because somebody isn't going to get their way but feel entitled to nevertheless?

I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I'm of the opinion that two adults can have a disagreement, discuss their differences and maybe at the end of it just agree to disagree.  No apologies get demanded, neither one is told they should feel sorry for what they said (or didn't say) and life goes on.

Not always the case with a PD individual or a child.  But when the PD is acting like a child.....the inscription that Dante saw as he passed through the gates of hell comes to mind: Abandon all hope ye who enter here.

Yet, I didn't abandon hope even when history suggested I should.  In fact, that was probably  my constant companion throughout my journey with Scarlett.  The hope that one day she'd *get it*.  The hope that understanding would come.  The hope that the good words and thoughts she likes to mouth would one day be more than just words.  The hope that she would see that I am not the jerk (realist?) that husband #1 was.  The hope that she would see that the traits she abhors in others are also resident in her.  The hope that she would really try and improve.

And I still have that hope for her.  I imagine I always will.  Not in my nature, though maybe it should be, to kick someone to the curb and say too bad, I tried, you lose.  Life would probably be easier in a lot of ways if I could do that.  But.....as Popeye said, I yam what I yam.

So, circling back to the beginning here, have I apologized?  Hell no.  I've decided to only do that and to say I'm sorry when I am truly in the wrong.  I'm done with offering up apologies just to appease and try and get back to "normal".  That's a good short term fix with bad long term consequences.  Besides, it's highly doubtful that Scarlett will meet someone else ready with a quick unneeded apology so it's time she learned this as well.

All of the above

There's a book, called Games People Play, written by Eric Berne, M.D.over 50 years ago (1964 to be exact) that Dr. Shah suggested I read.  I secured a copy and read it.  Then reread some sections, skimmed some others and determined that there was a large portion of the book, at least for my current circumstances, that I could just leave alone.

I'd joked for years with friends, family and neighbors that I should probably go over to our local police department and register as a sex offender because I had married a child.  Since everyone I ever said this to knew Scarlett they knew exactly what I was talking about.

And apparently so did Dr. Berne.

He devotes the first couple of chapters to Parent/Adult/Child interactions.  So much of what he wrote back in '64 (when I was but a wee lad) is so spot on as to be almost unnerving though in a "I knew I wasn't nuts" sort of way.

That's where my thinking has been today.  How long have I had to be the Parent to Scarlett's child or the Adult to her child?  And without trying to exaggerate things, pretty much since we first met.

I know I didn't consciously do this, in fact quite a lot of my parental/adult behavior or whatever you want to call it as regards her was done simply because there was no other real choice.  Somebody needed to be responsible, someone needed to pay the bills, balance and reconcile the checkbook, keep track of what we had, what we needed at the store, when preventative maintenance needed to be done on vehicles, etc etc etc.

Scarlett wanted to be in charge of fun.  Whimsy.  Though she was also good at keeping a clean house, making sure the laundry was done (though at times I think she was a bit OCD about these things) but for the most part the major responsibilities fell to me.

Now I discover that I wasn't doing her too many favors, nor myself as I discussed in Friday's blog.

But the parent/child, adult/child way of interacting seems to have taken hold and I am really afraid it will ever be thus.

I have to credit a friend of mine, someone I've known since before Dr. Berne published his book, with the following insights:

Children don't have to be responsible.
Ignorance is bliss.
Ignorance is no responsibility.
It's not about knowledge, it's about ethics
and personal responsibility.

Irresponsible spending is unethical.

All of the above describe Scarlett.  She wants to be a child.  She does not want responsibility.  She does not really want to be held to a code of ethics unless it is to her benefit.  She does not want to prioritize.....well, anything.  In many ways life is like a multiple choice exam.  Or as some would say, multiple guess.  Either way, you are presented with a list of possible answers or in the case of life, priorities.  You can arrange them anyway you'd like but there are consequences for those who put obviously (or what should be obvious) lower priorities above what should be higher ones.

There aren't, per se, any right or wrong answers though there is history that can be your guide if you so choose to avail yourself of the experience of others.  And that is something that I see far too few people actually doing.

But, to continue, one of the choices that you will not see (unless your last name happens to be Trump, Rockefeller, Hughes, Carnegie....) is *all of the above*.  Yet that seems to be the only choice that Scarlett wants.

Sigh.

Every silver lining has it's cloud

So another opportunity to enjoy some Kona coffee, vent my spleen and listen to some sage advice courtesy of Dr. Shah yesterday evening.

Arrived with 4 pages of notes just in case I needed them.

He wants to discuss feelings.  Or rather, he would prefer to discuss feelings but if I want to waste away the time complaining about what Scarlett has done or said, well as the man said - this is your dime.

You want feelings?  I got your feelings.  Right here.  How about frustration?  Anger?  Pissed off?  And I can add one more to the list.  A feeling of being overwhelmed by the sheer idiocy of having to deal with someone who seems to have a child's comprehension of what is going on.  How's them apples for feelings?

He zeroed in on overwhelming.

I asked him if he'd ever heard the line about dealing with women.  He said he wasn't sure what I was talking about so I told him that there are two ways to deal with women.

Neither of them work.

He offered up what Nietzsche had said about dealing with women.  In one hand you have a bouquet of flowers and in the other a whip.

Sounds about right to me.

So why am I feeling overwhelmed?  Well, primarily because Scarlett either can't or does not want to, understand some/most of what is going on, what the ramifications of some of her decisions could be, the consequences for her etc.

Why should I care I'm asked?

Lookit - I do have her best interests at heart.  I can see her stepping in front of a bus and it's just in my nature to want to reach out and pull her back.

Why?

Uh.  Force of habit?  Because that's what I've been having to do for years?

So you're mad at Scarlett because she doesn't understand a lot of things.  Things that you have protected her from.  Over protected her I imagine.  Don't you think it wise to allow people to fail?  Fall down?  Make mistakes?  How else do you learn?

Damn it!  I hate the way this conversation is going.  Yes.  I agree with all of that.  But. I disagree a tiny bit with the idea that I was over protecting her.  I was also trying to protect me.

From what?  It sounds like you're catastrophizing things.  Can you give me an example of anything she did that would support what you're saying.

Uh. Um.  No I cannot but that in no way diminishes what I knew she was capable of and what I could possibly be liable for due to the fact that we were/are married.

You need to let her fail.  Look.  There are only two possibilities here.  Either she has always had a loose grasp on reality - or - she has been too well protected from it.  And based on our conversations I highly suspect it's the latter.

Fuck.

So we batted this around for awhile, none of which reverses the histrionic/borderline behavior of Scarlett though it does cast a little different light on some of my own angst.  Like...I'm the primary cause of my own suffering here.

Grrr.

As I walked out to my car I was thinking about all of this.  I guess it's true what they say.

The road to hell IS paved with good intentions.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Good guys do finish last.

Nothing like having it pointed out to you that at times you can be your own worst enemy even though your thoughts, intents, desires and what not were all focused on what you perceived to be the best for all involved.

Huh?

Another week and more stuff to deal with.  A lot of it unnecessary in my opinion but as I've learned over the course of this continuing odyssey, my opinions don't always count for much.

Our attorneys met and agreed on a date for a mandatory mediation meeting - early next year.  I'd been forewarned on this possibility, apparently Scarlett had not.  So item #1 (and like a lot of statistics I'm just making up the numbering as I go along) on my list of stuff was dealing with her sadness and madness over "making" her be at Tara over Christmas.  Though I knew it would do no good, I said that I can't "make her" do anything.  Well, if she had the money, RIGHT NOW, she could go out and secure another place is what I'm told.  True enough.  But, and again I've been down this road before, that requires delving into details that we do not have yet.  And of course that naturally leads to a rendition of the 50/50 chorus.

Item #2 was the subject of bifurcation.  My attorney informed me that Scarlett had told her attorney that she wanted to pursue this action.  I also discovered that I can not really object to it though my only reasons for doing so would be tax and insurance related.  Nevertheless, my attorney told the other side that we would not be objecting to this (since we can't anyway) but was his client (Scarlett) aware that once granted she would need to secure her own insurance and that in 2018 taxes would be filed as Single.  Well, said Scarlett's barrister, I've tried to explain that to her but I'm not sure she understands.  Okay then.  Moving on.....

Item #3 was then the subject of alimony aka "support".  We were also informed that Scarlett had instructed her attorney to pursue this order.  And again, my side is fine with that.  However.  Is your client aware (Scarlett) that once my client (Salty) begins making alimony payments that everything else (not entirely true but close enough) he has been paying will cease?  Excuse a moment while I copy and paste.....Well, said Scarlett's barrister, I've tried to explain that to her but I'm not sure she understands.

Anyone else detecting a pattern?

And that leads to item #4 - a long, confusing phone call from Scarlett to go over items 2 and 3.  As to bifurcation she stated her intent to pursue this and then told me that nothing would change.  Huh. 

Nothing?  You mean of course except that we would be divorced? 

Yes but nothing would change and you would still be paying for my health insurance.

And why would I be doing that?  A divorced couple cannot be on the same policy and therefore we would be required to get our own policies.

I can't afford insurance!  Are you going to fight me on this?

Not fighting you just explaining the facts.

And so she moved to item 3 - alimony.  Except, and this is only my theory, I believe her attorney has been referring to this as "support" which has confused Scarlett.

I just want to warn you that I've asked my attorney to get support for me.

So I'm aware.

Well, you know what that means?

Yes I do.  Do you?

Well, I don't have any income.  I can't work.  And I need money.

I'll put aside whether or not you can work for now.  Yes, alimony means that I would be sending you a check for some amount every month.  Do you know what else it means?

Huh?  What?

It also means that virtually everything else I'm paying for right now will stop.

Why?

What do you mean "why"?

Oh I see.  You're going to fight me on this too!

I'm not fighting.  But can I ask a question?

Go ahead.

Why are you so fucking dense?

And click went the phone.

Not surprisingly, Scarlett has decided to not pursue bifurcation this year though I have no clue about the alimony issue at this point.

So, moving on.....

Had a storm of texts from her yesterday (I hate texting btw) that started off fairly normal and innocuous but as usual in virtually any form of dialogue with her, eventually went downhill.

I'd picked up Salty Dog the night before because she was having some back issues and wasn't sure she could take care of him.  While there I performed a few tasks for her.  So now she wants to know why I keep doing things for her.

Because I'm a nice guy.

No.  There has to be more to it than that.  I think you're not sure you want this divorce.  You don't want to cut me loose.  You feel guilty.  That's why you're always doing things for me.

Uh, no.  The guilt thing is pretty much gone.  Dead and buried.  Now, I do have compassion and concern but really that's as far as it goes.

Well....I should've seen this coming but it'd been awhile.  I was then treated to numerous texts about her being old.  Broken.  Alone.  Lonely.  That's how the rest of her life will be.  I tried being philosophical with her by saying that just as you shouldn't go to the store while hungry, neither should you try and divine your future while in pain.

That was met with a "huh"?

This continued on for another 15- 20 minutes until I just had to stop it.

Surprisingly I wasn't bothered the remainder of the day.

And then there was the meeting with Dr. Shah.  But that is a post for later.