I'm not sure who had "24" in the pool of how long Salty would be in FB, but that's the winning number.
Scarlett had another one-on-one with Irving yesterday and a hour later was the couple's session. After the small talk, and with 4 pages of notes in my hand, Scarlett suggested that I start. I said to Irving that I was sure he'd heard about Sunday. That was met with a quizzical look until Scarlett reminded him that yes they had discussed that earlier. But it was all being said as though it was no big deal. Something told me that perhaps Irving had not heard the full story.
So that's where I began, or at least tried to. There was something Scarlett, I think, did not want me to say, but I'd told the Shah on Thursday that I'd be telling Irving exactly what happened and this was going to be one of those (rare) times when what Scarlett wants Scarlett does not get.
Gave him the whole scoop. Argument, forgiveness, humility, asking her to leave the room, her kicking in the door 3 times and my ultimate reaction to that as well as my fleeting thought concerning Scarlett and the landing on the stairs. Told him that the Shah had advised me to leave the house because things were becoming too heated and to stay risked something happening that both Scarlett and I would later regret. When I was done, she told Irving NOT to tell me to leave because if I left for a third time, then that was it. Irving however said that safety was paramount and that given this turn of events it would be wise for us to be separated for awhile.
Later in the day, Scarlett would spin all this into something that while essentially true is really like a movie based loosely on the book.
I'd come in with my four pages of notes, but due to almost constant interruptions, snide snarky comments from Scarlett, even with Irving trying to get her to be quiet I only managed to maybe get through half of what I'd come in to say.
At one point she screamed at me that I was only looking for a legitimate reason to end this so that I would not feel guilty. But, she said, "you will always be guilty!" And it was with that statement that I left the meeting 20 minutes before it was to end.
I eventually got back to Fog Beach a couple hours later. Opened the garage and saw Scarletts car parked smack dab in the middle. Not really any surprise. Parked mine on the driveway and went in the house. Went upstairs to my office and shortly after that I heard her asking me if I was leaving.
Leaving? I just got here.
Are you leaving today?
Uh, this is my house too.
Well, there are two therapists that have said that you need to leave the house until your anger issues are dealt with. And I don't feel good about you being here. I'm afraid. I don't want to be pushed down the stairs.
And there was the spin as well as things being taken out of context. Scarlett was horrified that Irving might say we should be separate for now, but now she's using him as justification for telling me to leave a third time. She also failed to mention any role she played in this by provoking me to a state in which I would, however briefly, entertain those thoughts of violence. I've heard her say on more than one occasion that things do not occur in a vacuum. But I guess that's only when she's discussing her bad behavior.
So with a little help, I spent the next hour or so (Scarlett and my furry friend left for a while) moving everything out that I had just moved back in about 3 weeks ago. Thankfully I had wisely not unpacked very much.
Today finds me back at the campsite and missing my house and my 4 legged friend. I am neither mad nor angry at Scarlett. I honestly believe that she is almost incapable of admitting to her role in all of this. Cluster B's cultivate a very nice image of themselves by projecting all their bad behaviors (or at least most of them) onto those who they are close to, thereby making them the bad guys. Conflict therefore can rarely be completely resolved because one party is adamant in not accepting a full measure of their culpability. In order for things to progress, or more accurately I suppose, detour around the problem, requires that the non PD in the relationship shoulder more, if not all, of the blame and responsibility for those things that go wrong.
It is a sad state of affairs because like most people, the CB's do have their good sides. They can be fun to be around, they often are the life of the party and can often put a smile on your face. But they also have a deep dark side that when exposed can and often does obliterate their relationships.
The healthy thing to do, when you realize that you are involved with this type of person is to end it before you get sucked in to the vortex. That is easier said then done for many individuals.
Something I imagine I will be exploring in future posts.
Sunday, July 30, 2017
Friday, July 28, 2017
Neighbors
Well today just seems to get better and better. Can't wait for the sun to go down....
This morning she's all peaches and cream as though her hour long tirade directed at me didn't happen. I really don't know how to react anymore. Just go with it? Or remind her of the previous night? Someone once said there are two ways to handle a woman and neither of them work.
Sounds about right to me.
So she's all happy, says she's going to "love me back", I'm guessing in between in arguments and calling me cruel et.al and goes merrily off to the gym. I have no idea when she got back but I was busying myself outside. Anyway, time goes on, my buddy wants to play and then go out to the front yard to see what's happening there. While we're out, our neighbor across the street drives up and she and I start talking. They'd just recently gotten back from Maui and having been there myself we started comparing notes.
Scarlett walks out (this is the neighbor who wouldn't take her shit the other day) and then walks back in the house. About 10 minutes later Scarlett comes back out, scolds my buddy telling him to GET IN THE HOUSE! Poor guy wasn't doing anything. So I'm asked by the neighbor, what's her problem? Now that's an easy one! I'm standing out here talking to you and enjoying the conversation, that's her problem. The neighbor begins to apologize for getting me in trouble and I just say, no, no apology required. Scarlett's the one with the personality disorder, not you or me.
I eventually come back in the house, go up to my office, and sure enough Scarlett shows up at my door.
"I just don't understand"
Understand what?
You can talk to our neighbors and have a good time but you can't talk to your wife.
And with that she retreats downstairs where she is still.
Really? You don't understand how I could enjoy talking to someone who has not done all the things you've done me? And you think I should have no issue, no concern, no caution when talking to you?
I think I need to go downstairs and get tonight's argument started.
This morning she's all peaches and cream as though her hour long tirade directed at me didn't happen. I really don't know how to react anymore. Just go with it? Or remind her of the previous night? Someone once said there are two ways to handle a woman and neither of them work.
Sounds about right to me.
So she's all happy, says she's going to "love me back", I'm guessing in between in arguments and calling me cruel et.al and goes merrily off to the gym. I have no idea when she got back but I was busying myself outside. Anyway, time goes on, my buddy wants to play and then go out to the front yard to see what's happening there. While we're out, our neighbor across the street drives up and she and I start talking. They'd just recently gotten back from Maui and having been there myself we started comparing notes.
Scarlett walks out (this is the neighbor who wouldn't take her shit the other day) and then walks back in the house. About 10 minutes later Scarlett comes back out, scolds my buddy telling him to GET IN THE HOUSE! Poor guy wasn't doing anything. So I'm asked by the neighbor, what's her problem? Now that's an easy one! I'm standing out here talking to you and enjoying the conversation, that's her problem. The neighbor begins to apologize for getting me in trouble and I just say, no, no apology required. Scarlett's the one with the personality disorder, not you or me.
I eventually come back in the house, go up to my office, and sure enough Scarlett shows up at my door.
"I just don't understand"
Understand what?
You can talk to our neighbors and have a good time but you can't talk to your wife.
And with that she retreats downstairs where she is still.
Really? You don't understand how I could enjoy talking to someone who has not done all the things you've done me? And you think I should have no issue, no concern, no caution when talking to you?
I think I need to go downstairs and get tonight's argument started.
Push - Pull II
As if my session with the Shah wasn't enough for the day, I then returned to Fog Beach. We'd last seen each other earlier in the day when she attempted to make some arguments out of things that just didn't rise to that level. A dogs dinner time, her going to the Fair. Seriously, who makes arguments out of those things?
I stopped at a nearby market and called to see if Scarlett needed anything. My purpose was mainly to gauge her current mood so that I could prepare myself accordingly. She seemed to be in a good mood. She asked about my meeting with the Shah and I said I might tell her later. My thinking was that she'd hear the relevant points on Saturday. But I forgot about her ability to hear one thing and remember it differently.
After I got back and got a few things accomplished I took my seat in the living room to read and study and write. She walks in and is all ready for me to tell her about my meeting.
You said you'd tell me later tonight.
No I didn't. I said I might tell you later.
Well, same thing.
No it is not the same thing and you know it.
Stop me if you've heard this before....and we were off (told you to tell me....)
This one wasn't quite as bad as some of the previous ones. This monologue was only about an hour in length. But what it lacked in length it more than made up for in quantity.
Truthfully, no new ground was covered just a re-runs of the same old shit.
Not the man she married, angry, forgiveness and humility, the Fair, blah blah blah.
Y'all probably get just as tired of reading it as I do writing it.
I stopped at a nearby market and called to see if Scarlett needed anything. My purpose was mainly to gauge her current mood so that I could prepare myself accordingly. She seemed to be in a good mood. She asked about my meeting with the Shah and I said I might tell her later. My thinking was that she'd hear the relevant points on Saturday. But I forgot about her ability to hear one thing and remember it differently.
After I got back and got a few things accomplished I took my seat in the living room to read and study and write. She walks in and is all ready for me to tell her about my meeting.
You said you'd tell me later tonight.
No I didn't. I said I might tell you later.
Well, same thing.
No it is not the same thing and you know it.
Stop me if you've heard this before....and we were off (told you to tell me....)
This one wasn't quite as bad as some of the previous ones. This monologue was only about an hour in length. But what it lacked in length it more than made up for in quantity.
Truthfully, no new ground was covered just a re-runs of the same old shit.
Not the man she married, angry, forgiveness and humility, the Fair, blah blah blah.
Y'all probably get just as tired of reading it as I do writing it.
Carnac
Saw the Shah last night for the usual Thursday night head exam. Told him about last Sunday and Scarlett kicking the door to my office in three separate times within the span of maybe 2 minutes and then my reaction to that on the third time where she also brought my furry friend into the discussion.
Explained that at that point I was seeing red and lunged at her, not to hit or make contact but to scare her just a little. Then I mentioned her being close to the stairs and my thought of one push, one kick with my leg and down she would go.
Now the Shah is aware of the accusations Scarlett made early on in this...thing concerning my alleged (as in non reality) "abuse" of her and he is also aware that Scarlett, like most cluster b's knows my weak points and my hot buttons. When cornered, scared, frightened, mad, angry they will use what they know about you against you. What really gripes me is that I know this but still allow myself to get sucked into things I know better than to get sucked into.
Well, the Shah said he did not think I really wanted to go to jail on a real or trumped up charge of domestic abuse/violence, nor would I want to defend myself against a murder charge, or have my chips cashed in sometime later this year at the hands of Scarlett.
I looked at my list of things to do and sure enough none of those items were there. The Shah is really amazing sometimes! Almost as good as Carnac the Magnificent.
I'd also mentioned to him, something I'd told the mole earlier this week when she was over gabbing with Scarlett. I was minding my own business sharpening some dull knives when she said something about what I was doing. Told her that if I was going to be stabbed I'd just as soon it be with a sharp knife since it wouldn't hurt as much. At the time I said that as a joke.
The Shah and I a lot of times do not have the same sense of humor. After I told him that he started saying things about the unconscious planning things we may not even be aware of. And that given Sundays event it was his advice that I, for my safety as well as that of Scarlett, leave the premises.
Now that's easier said than done because any attempt at me leaving holds a real potential for triggering Scarlett's abandonment issue(s). So it was suggested that I bring this up Saturday in our joint session with Irving. And at the moment that is my plan.
Explained that at that point I was seeing red and lunged at her, not to hit or make contact but to scare her just a little. Then I mentioned her being close to the stairs and my thought of one push, one kick with my leg and down she would go.
Now the Shah is aware of the accusations Scarlett made early on in this...thing concerning my alleged (as in non reality) "abuse" of her and he is also aware that Scarlett, like most cluster b's knows my weak points and my hot buttons. When cornered, scared, frightened, mad, angry they will use what they know about you against you. What really gripes me is that I know this but still allow myself to get sucked into things I know better than to get sucked into.
Well, the Shah said he did not think I really wanted to go to jail on a real or trumped up charge of domestic abuse/violence, nor would I want to defend myself against a murder charge, or have my chips cashed in sometime later this year at the hands of Scarlett.
I looked at my list of things to do and sure enough none of those items were there. The Shah is really amazing sometimes! Almost as good as Carnac the Magnificent.
I'd also mentioned to him, something I'd told the mole earlier this week when she was over gabbing with Scarlett. I was minding my own business sharpening some dull knives when she said something about what I was doing. Told her that if I was going to be stabbed I'd just as soon it be with a sharp knife since it wouldn't hurt as much. At the time I said that as a joke.
The Shah and I a lot of times do not have the same sense of humor. After I told him that he started saying things about the unconscious planning things we may not even be aware of. And that given Sundays event it was his advice that I, for my safety as well as that of Scarlett, leave the premises.
Now that's easier said than done because any attempt at me leaving holds a real potential for triggering Scarlett's abandonment issue(s). So it was suggested that I bring this up Saturday in our joint session with Irving. And at the moment that is my plan.
Wednesday, July 26, 2017
A$$hole
Another fun time last night. Not so much the screaming Scarlett, no. Last night it was more the martyred Scarlett with a little Joan of Arc thrown in just for fun.
As an aside, I found out from a nearby informant that what Scarlett thinks she ran through in total over this past year is only the amount she spent on foolishness, nonsense and self aggrandizement. In fact it is nearly double that amount. Anyway....
So I'm in my usual spot in the living room, doing some reading,thinking, note taking, wishing, fantasizing, wondering when who should my wandering eye see waltzing into the room? Nope. Not her and not them. Scarlett. Always Scarlett. Kind of reminds me of Raiders of the Lost Arc - snakes, why does it always have to be snakes?
Well she wants to know when I'll be calling it a night. Don't know. I'll wait for you. No need, I'll be in the other room and it will be late anyway. Or maybe I said she looked very decomposed and smelled like hell. I swear it was the former but the reaction I received leads me to believe it might have been the latter. In any event, *it* was on. Before she even started I'd already made up my mind to just remain silent. Which I did with one small exception.
According to Scarlett, who has apparently acquired a medical degree in the past couple of days, I am sick. In the head that is. So sick in fact that I should be in a hospital. Attended to by experts not the quacks I am currently relying on. I am angry. So angry. And on the verge of violence. It was that statement that forced me to speak.
Violence?
Yes. The other day you almost hit me.
The other day? You mean the day that you kicked in my door 3 times? The day you were screaming at me? The day you told me that our dog who will be soon be 14 needed me here and therefore I was a selfish so-and-so for even thinking of leaving? That day?
Yes.
I looked at her (glared would be more accurate) waiting for the light bulb to go on above her head. I guess no one was to home....
Then, without really missing a beat Scarlett declares that she *knows* (she knows so many things that just aren't so) that the reason I came back was to punish her and make it so uncomfortable that she would leave. Well, I was told in no uncertain terms that she will never leave. And as an aside to this, my nearby informant tells me that Scarlett has claimed that no matter what this farce of a marriage will not ever end.
And on that note up the stairs she flew (without the aid of a broom) and began slamming doors and drawers. Stomping around, slam slam, stomp stomp. Until she tired herself out.
The next time I saw her, about an hour later was in response to a cry from upstairs - Oh my God, what's happened? I heard her say. Found out the TV had gone out on her. Now for Scarlett this is a major, major emergency. So even though I'm a pri*k I fixed her precious little TV.
Next thing I know, about 45 minutes after that, she's downstairs talking about how red everything was, blood all over place and she looks like she's somewhere else. What? The TV? A dream? What?
Well...Scarlett has been having some bleeding issues that on Tuesday a colonoscopy is going to be performed to try and find out why. Scarlett is convinced she must have cancer and that therefore I will not have to wait very long to not be married to her.
If only my luck was running that good! And no, I shouldn't say that. I wish her no harm and frankly a long and healthy life. I just don't care to share in that life.
Pet Peeves
Don't you just hate it when:
1. Someone tells you precisely what it is they're going to do....and then changes her mind and tries to do the polar opposite?
2. You take valuable time out of your day/week/life to help someone only to later be treated to the You Never Do Anything For Me chorus?
3. Someone asks you to explain something to them and the next thing you know you're being screamed at for "treating me like I'm stupid"?
4. You patiently explain something only to later discover that they're attention span is not with them that day.
5. You are continually asked a question for which you have already provided an answer?
6. You realize this questioning will not stop until she hears what she wants to hear?
7. You are once again shocked to discover that the BS answer you gave in #6 is now something you are not ever allowed to back off from?
8. You realize you have been played for a fool whether intentional or not?
9. You agree to a discussion only to find out it's really a monologue?
10. The concept of personal responsibility just seems foreign to some people?
11. Someone attempts to make you responsible for all the bad decisions they've made?
12. And their kids decisions as well?
13. Plus moms?
14. A budget is how Yoda would request a beer?
15. No matter how nice and kind you've been to someone they can still call you a cruel heartless bastard?
16. Someone who knows nothing about computers, usernames and passwords will still swear on a stack of bibles that she knows you are trolling on some website?
17. Your anger is wrong but her anger is justified?
18. You realize the joke about what's her's is her's and what's mine is her's isn't viewed as a joke but something akin to law?
19. Being of a certain ethnicity is supposed to allow you to get away with anything?
20. Being mad is used as a trump card?
21. Her feelings count for more than reality?
22. You have to walk on eggshells?
23. You hear someone tell you that because you've done something for 30 years you have to continue doing it?
24. No matter what you think God wants for you, her definition is the only one that matters...to her?
25. Someone who obviously knows not wherein they speak, speaks anyway with full force and authority?
I know I do.
1. Someone tells you precisely what it is they're going to do....and then changes her mind and tries to do the polar opposite?
2. You take valuable time out of your day/week/life to help someone only to later be treated to the You Never Do Anything For Me chorus?
3. Someone asks you to explain something to them and the next thing you know you're being screamed at for "treating me like I'm stupid"?
4. You patiently explain something only to later discover that they're attention span is not with them that day.
5. You are continually asked a question for which you have already provided an answer?
6. You realize this questioning will not stop until she hears what she wants to hear?
7. You are once again shocked to discover that the BS answer you gave in #6 is now something you are not ever allowed to back off from?
8. You realize you have been played for a fool whether intentional or not?
9. You agree to a discussion only to find out it's really a monologue?
10. The concept of personal responsibility just seems foreign to some people?
11. Someone attempts to make you responsible for all the bad decisions they've made?
12. And their kids decisions as well?
13. Plus moms?
14. A budget is how Yoda would request a beer?
15. No matter how nice and kind you've been to someone they can still call you a cruel heartless bastard?
16. Someone who knows nothing about computers, usernames and passwords will still swear on a stack of bibles that she knows you are trolling on some website?
17. Your anger is wrong but her anger is justified?
18. You realize the joke about what's her's is her's and what's mine is her's isn't viewed as a joke but something akin to law?
19. Being of a certain ethnicity is supposed to allow you to get away with anything?
20. Being mad is used as a trump card?
21. Her feelings count for more than reality?
22. You have to walk on eggshells?
23. You hear someone tell you that because you've done something for 30 years you have to continue doing it?
24. No matter what you think God wants for you, her definition is the only one that matters...to her?
25. Someone who obviously knows not wherein they speak, speaks anyway with full force and authority?
I know I do.
Monday, July 24, 2017
Miranda
When you find yourself dealing with a cluster B personality disordered individual (borderline, histrionic, narcissist or anti-social) you need to tread very carefully. It's almost like they should be reading you your Miranda rights -
1. Youhave do not have the right to remain silent.
2. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
3. Youhave do not have the right to talk to a lawyer and have him present during questioning.
4. If you cannot afford to hire a lawyer,one will be appointed to represent you before any questioning if you wish. Too bad.
5. You can decide at any time to exercise these rights andnot answer any my questions or make any statements.
Do you understand each of these rights as I haveexplained screamed them to you?
Having these rights in mind,do you wish to will talk to me now.
So what did I do to bring all this on? Some days I believe just the mere act of breathing is enough.
When Scarlett got back from the Hall of Hypocrites yesterday, Salty was deep into office/computer work. Do you want to go get some ice cream? No. Do you want to go to the beach? No. Do you want to go on a bike ride? No. Well, what do you want to do she asked. Stuff around here that needs doing. Granted, not the most exciting and fun filled way to spend a Sunday but she knows there is plenty to do around Tara and going off and doing something does not get any of those things accomplished.
Later in the afternoon I and Salty dog were in the backyard when Scarlett decides she needs to water the back 40. So Salty dog and I retreated to the garage and eventually into the manor. Wherein which we discover Scarlett crying.
Sometimes it's like a really bad accident, you know you shouldn't look but you just can't help yourself. So I took a seat in a rocking chair and waited. Sometimes I think the Shah's description of me as somewhat of a masochist is not too far from the truth. Well, I didn't have to wait long for her to discover where I was and then the questions, statements, accusations started in earnest.
Why did you come back?
What do you want from me?
You never loved me.
You tried to change me.
You're not even trying.
You only came back for Tara, your possessions and Salty Dog.
Now my intent was to merely listen, let her get this stuff off her chest and then see if there was a chance of a calm and rational discussion. But as Mike Tyson once explained, everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.
So I violated a cardinal rule in dealing with these individuals by resorting to JADE - Justifying, Arguing, Defending and Explaining. Which I know from past experience only adds fuel to the fire. Sometimes they listen and you think you've made some headway. And sometimes the sun rises in the west and sets in the east. Oh wait, no it doesn't.
Now, since the present is a direct result of the past I attempted to bring up some past actions. Mine as well as hers. And for my troubles I received the hamster wheel comment - "I don't want to get back on that hamster wheel. Forget about the past, we have to move forward."
Shortly after that exchange I retreated to my office. Had a phone call I needed to make. A call she was well aware of. Instead, she followed me and now wanted to talk about her favorite subjects, those being forgiveness and humility. Apparently two qualities I have not had in abundance. Something I really don't deny. But then it struck me. Prior to Salty, Scarlett had been married to another gentlemen just long enough to produce two offspring. Jarhead and Virginia. That union ended when Francisco got another senorita with child but as I would later find out, his indiscretion was directly correlated to Scarlett's equal disregard for their marriage vows. Who was it that said you reap what you sow?
Anyway, I also recalled that it had taken Scarlett close to 1 score and 2 to not only forgive Francisco but also inform her children that the story she had led them to believe all their life wasn't exactly the whole truth. So Salty asked her this point blank - how many years did it take you to forgive Francisco AND tell your kids the truth? Silence. So I continued, DO NOT talk to me about forgiveness and humility you hypocrite. More silence. Man, I'm on a roll. And I should've stopped while I was ahead.
I mentioned during her silence that this was no way to live. She wasn't happy, I wasn't happy and that maybe it would be best if I just moved out. You QUITTER! I'm not asking you to leave, I don't want you to leave! This one is on you! You're abandoning me! You're abandoning your DOG! He's an old dog and he NEEDS YOU!
And now I am late for my phone call. Scarlett eventually left my office, I closed the door and was getting ready to place my call when she opened the door, then kicked the door. I got up and closed it only to have her repeat what she had just done.
She managed to push a button I did not know I even had. After the second door opening instance she repeated her statement concerning Salty Dog and I pretty much lost it. Not the thing you want to do when dealing with a cluster B. More shouting, more yelling, more name calling. Finally decided that this was not the way to address and solve the issue/problem. Leaving now would accomplish nothing, at least nothing that I originally came back to accomplish. Anyway, once she had me worked up into a frenzy, she went downstairs to savor her victory. And sadly that's exactly what it was. The only solace I can take in this is that one more seed has been planted.
Today finds Scarlett down in Slipstream seeing her mother. At least I have a little bit of peace and quiet today.
1. You
2. Anything you say can and will be used against you
3. You
4. If you cannot afford to hire a lawyer,
5. You can decide at any time to exercise these rights and
Do you understand each of these rights as I have
Having these rights in mind,
So what did I do to bring all this on? Some days I believe just the mere act of breathing is enough.
When Scarlett got back from the Hall of Hypocrites yesterday, Salty was deep into office/computer work. Do you want to go get some ice cream? No. Do you want to go to the beach? No. Do you want to go on a bike ride? No. Well, what do you want to do she asked. Stuff around here that needs doing. Granted, not the most exciting and fun filled way to spend a Sunday but she knows there is plenty to do around Tara and going off and doing something does not get any of those things accomplished.
Later in the afternoon I and Salty dog were in the backyard when Scarlett decides she needs to water the back 40. So Salty dog and I retreated to the garage and eventually into the manor. Wherein which we discover Scarlett crying.
Sometimes it's like a really bad accident, you know you shouldn't look but you just can't help yourself. So I took a seat in a rocking chair and waited. Sometimes I think the Shah's description of me as somewhat of a masochist is not too far from the truth. Well, I didn't have to wait long for her to discover where I was and then the questions, statements, accusations started in earnest.
Why did you come back?
What do you want from me?
You never loved me.
You tried to change me.
You're not even trying.
You only came back for Tara, your possessions and Salty Dog.
Now my intent was to merely listen, let her get this stuff off her chest and then see if there was a chance of a calm and rational discussion. But as Mike Tyson once explained, everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.
So I violated a cardinal rule in dealing with these individuals by resorting to JADE - Justifying, Arguing, Defending and Explaining. Which I know from past experience only adds fuel to the fire. Sometimes they listen and you think you've made some headway. And sometimes the sun rises in the west and sets in the east. Oh wait, no it doesn't.
Now, since the present is a direct result of the past I attempted to bring up some past actions. Mine as well as hers. And for my troubles I received the hamster wheel comment - "I don't want to get back on that hamster wheel. Forget about the past, we have to move forward."
Shortly after that exchange I retreated to my office. Had a phone call I needed to make. A call she was well aware of. Instead, she followed me and now wanted to talk about her favorite subjects, those being forgiveness and humility. Apparently two qualities I have not had in abundance. Something I really don't deny. But then it struck me. Prior to Salty, Scarlett had been married to another gentlemen just long enough to produce two offspring. Jarhead and Virginia. That union ended when Francisco got another senorita with child but as I would later find out, his indiscretion was directly correlated to Scarlett's equal disregard for their marriage vows. Who was it that said you reap what you sow?
Anyway, I also recalled that it had taken Scarlett close to 1 score and 2 to not only forgive Francisco but also inform her children that the story she had led them to believe all their life wasn't exactly the whole truth. So Salty asked her this point blank - how many years did it take you to forgive Francisco AND tell your kids the truth? Silence. So I continued, DO NOT talk to me about forgiveness and humility you hypocrite. More silence. Man, I'm on a roll. And I should've stopped while I was ahead.
I mentioned during her silence that this was no way to live. She wasn't happy, I wasn't happy and that maybe it would be best if I just moved out. You QUITTER! I'm not asking you to leave, I don't want you to leave! This one is on you! You're abandoning me! You're abandoning your DOG! He's an old dog and he NEEDS YOU!
And now I am late for my phone call. Scarlett eventually left my office, I closed the door and was getting ready to place my call when she opened the door, then kicked the door. I got up and closed it only to have her repeat what she had just done.
She managed to push a button I did not know I even had. After the second door opening instance she repeated her statement concerning Salty Dog and I pretty much lost it. Not the thing you want to do when dealing with a cluster B. More shouting, more yelling, more name calling. Finally decided that this was not the way to address and solve the issue/problem. Leaving now would accomplish nothing, at least nothing that I originally came back to accomplish. Anyway, once she had me worked up into a frenzy, she went downstairs to savor her victory. And sadly that's exactly what it was. The only solace I can take in this is that one more seed has been planted.
Today finds Scarlett down in Slipstream seeing her mother. At least I have a little bit of peace and quiet today.
Sunday, July 23, 2017
1+1 = 5
Irving.
The little man either reviewed his notes prior to my seeing him yesterday or, he's trying to lead me down a garden path. Or, I'm just reading far too much into things and seeing/hearing what I want to see and hear.
Scarlett had a one-on-one with him yesterday prior to our dual meeting. I have no idea what was or was not discussed and likely never will. But that aside, I feel as though maybe, just maybe, some of what I've said in the past is starting to sink in. He is of the opinion that marriage is not designed to bring you happiness. Yeah, been there, done that, got a t-shirt as well as some non-visible scars. But that happiness is a by product of the growth and maturity that you can only achieve in the married state. By and large I'd have to agree with that, at least from the male perspective. Though speaking only for myself, I've met a number of married men who don't seem to have grown or matured at all. So maybe it's hit and miss?
Anyway, the reason he was trying to drive home this point was in relation to something I'd said. Specifically (hat tip to the Shah) I wondered out loud if perhaps the most loving thing I could do for Scarlett would be to end what she started (another potential argument in the making) and allow her to find someone far more compatible. So Irving says what he says and when he was done I corrected him just a wee bit by adding in that in order for that to work you needed to first be married to the right person. Score one for Salty because he had to nod his head in agreement with that.
And that was pretty much how yesterday's session went. I was laying the groundwork, planting seeds whatever, to get Scarlett thinking in a new direction. She's not there yet and in fact I've been dealing with a reaction I didn't quite expect so far.
Rather than blow up at me later in the day, or start weeping, she has seemingly doubled down on the hoovering and love bombing, albeit without as much "pressure" as in the recent past. This too I know shall pass. In the meantime I am attempting to be as casual, forthright and honest as I can. No provocation, no ultimatums will she receive from me. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you I believe is good advice even when the other party doesn't quite get it.
In the meantime, the Shah gave me some homework this past week. In as much detail as possible, write down how I see the next five years playing out under two very different scenarios. One, with Scarlett, the other without.
The little man either reviewed his notes prior to my seeing him yesterday or, he's trying to lead me down a garden path. Or, I'm just reading far too much into things and seeing/hearing what I want to see and hear.
Scarlett had a one-on-one with him yesterday prior to our dual meeting. I have no idea what was or was not discussed and likely never will. But that aside, I feel as though maybe, just maybe, some of what I've said in the past is starting to sink in. He is of the opinion that marriage is not designed to bring you happiness. Yeah, been there, done that, got a t-shirt as well as some non-visible scars. But that happiness is a by product of the growth and maturity that you can only achieve in the married state. By and large I'd have to agree with that, at least from the male perspective. Though speaking only for myself, I've met a number of married men who don't seem to have grown or matured at all. So maybe it's hit and miss?
Anyway, the reason he was trying to drive home this point was in relation to something I'd said. Specifically (hat tip to the Shah) I wondered out loud if perhaps the most loving thing I could do for Scarlett would be to end what she started (another potential argument in the making) and allow her to find someone far more compatible. So Irving says what he says and when he was done I corrected him just a wee bit by adding in that in order for that to work you needed to first be married to the right person. Score one for Salty because he had to nod his head in agreement with that.
And that was pretty much how yesterday's session went. I was laying the groundwork, planting seeds whatever, to get Scarlett thinking in a new direction. She's not there yet and in fact I've been dealing with a reaction I didn't quite expect so far.
Rather than blow up at me later in the day, or start weeping, she has seemingly doubled down on the hoovering and love bombing, albeit without as much "pressure" as in the recent past. This too I know shall pass. In the meantime I am attempting to be as casual, forthright and honest as I can. No provocation, no ultimatums will she receive from me. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you I believe is good advice even when the other party doesn't quite get it.
In the meantime, the Shah gave me some homework this past week. In as much detail as possible, write down how I see the next five years playing out under two very different scenarios. One, with Scarlett, the other without.
Saturday, July 22, 2017
Saturday morning rambles
Fog Beach has been fairly quiet the past couple of days. A few short discussions here and there, well not so much discussions as much as Scarlett saying what's on her mind and Salty just listening, but all in all comparatively quiet.
Scarlett has a one-on-one with Irving today prior to the regularly scheduled couples session. Almost feel as though I should be putting on my armor prior to our meeting but there's something to be said for allowing someone to *think* they've run you down and broken you. Their guard tends to be let down with this thinking which allows you to strike at their weak spots in a far more effective manner. In any event, Salty is ready for what may be an interesting session.
Or, he may find himself in a hall of mirrors with the Red Queen and Mad Hatter as his tour guides to mix a few metaphors and stories that have nothing to do with each other...please refer to the description of this blog, specifically the word "incoherent" if the last statement has you shaking your head.
Scarlett has a one-on-one with Irving today prior to the regularly scheduled couples session. Almost feel as though I should be putting on my armor prior to our meeting but there's something to be said for allowing someone to *think* they've run you down and broken you. Their guard tends to be let down with this thinking which allows you to strike at their weak spots in a far more effective manner. In any event, Salty is ready for what may be an interesting session.
Or, he may find himself in a hall of mirrors with the Red Queen and Mad Hatter as his tour guides to mix a few metaphors and stories that have nothing to do with each other...please refer to the description of this blog, specifically the word "incoherent" if the last statement has you shaking your head.
Thursday, July 20, 2017
Truckin'
I recall a green upright Hoover vacuum that my folks had while I was in my formative years. I hated that thing. Gave me the creeps. Seemed like it was alive and would suck me in if I didn't keep an eye on it or well out of it's evil way. And somewhere along the way I saw a Twilight Zone show where the appliances, including a vacuum cleaner decided to attack their owner. Proof! I knew I wasn't crazy. But it seemed I was the only one who KNEW. Except for Rod Serling. And if you can't trust him, well, I don't know what to tell you.
So what caused this old and scary memory to be dredged up? I find I am now living with that same damn infernal machine! But now it has arms and legs and is able to propel itself on it's own. This one you can't unplug, stick into a closet, close the door and be safe. Scarlett It just keeps on trying to suck you in.
I KNEW it!! I knew that machine was evil. What I didn't know was that it would find a way to follow me throughout my life. Today's lesson? Just because mommy and daddy tell you there is nothing to be afraid of, sometimes there is. They're just too old to see it!
Anyone remember Art Linkletter and his show Kids Say The Darndest Things? Were he still alive today, he could bring back an updated version of that. Cluster B's Say the Darndest Things. Yesterday would have made for a good segment.
Had to take Scarlett up to one of her chiropractors to get stretched. Though as it would turn out my chauffeuring her was unnecessary. Oh well, I like to think of it as Driving Miss Crazy. But I digress. So she gets stretched and on the way back we're just making small talk. Debating the current President, his economic policies, foreign policies (at least as near as I can make them out), the economy in general yadda yadda yadda. When out of the blue, out of left field (pick your favorite saying) Scarlett asks me, growing up, what I wanted to be. Okay. Now where did that come from? Am I being set up? Baited? This is one of the reasons it takes me so long to answer any of her questions. I have to look at all the angles. Yeah, I know. Sounds healthy to me too.
So I finally decide this might be a safe question and say that after a certain point I just figured I'd be working in the family business so I didn't spend too much time worrying about it. Scarlett responded by saying that I guess you didn't have a lot of choices. No, that's not what I said. Apparently she wasn't listening because she then offered up that having a lot of choices can be scary and unnerving. Huh. Really? Never really saw it that way personally. But instead I told her, well maybe I just did what I thought was expected.
Scarlett then said how that really sucked (ironic choice of words I thought) and that it was my life I should do what I want. From the mouths of cluster b's to mangle a phrase....
However, having been around this little freak show for awhile and having a fairly good working Cluster B decoder ring (always pay up for the good ones, the cereal box ones don't work) I knew that what Scarlett said was not quite what she meant. When Scarlett says it's your life and you should do what you want, what she really means to say is that you should do what you want as long as it parallels what she wants you to do. Your life is not yours don't you know. Well it is to the extent that Scarlett will allow it.
At least that's the way it used to be. With the help of many friends, online resources as well as the Shah, my eyes have been opened. While there are those who sincerely believe I shouldput a stake through the evil heart, use a silver bullet, arrange for an unfortunate nail gun accident be gone and away from this quickly, I beg to differ.
I have maintained from Day One that I want to conclude this in the right, proper, kind, friendly and civil way. Payback, retribution, being purposefully hurtful, uncaring and the like, despite my outward persona/appearance is not how I want this handled. At the end of this Salty has to live with what he's done and be able to look at himself in the mirror.
We all handle our trials and tribulations in our own way. This is mine. And with that, the lyrics of The Grateful Dead from Truckin' spring to mind:
Sometimes the light's all shinin' on me,
Other times I can barely see.
Lately it occurs to me what a long, strange trip it's been.
So what caused this old and scary memory to be dredged up? I find I am now living with that same damn infernal machine! But now it has arms and legs and is able to propel itself on it's own. This one you can't unplug, stick into a closet, close the door and be safe.
I KNEW it!! I knew that machine was evil. What I didn't know was that it would find a way to follow me throughout my life. Today's lesson? Just because mommy and daddy tell you there is nothing to be afraid of, sometimes there is. They're just too old to see it!
Anyone remember Art Linkletter and his show Kids Say The Darndest Things? Were he still alive today, he could bring back an updated version of that. Cluster B's Say the Darndest Things. Yesterday would have made for a good segment.
Had to take Scarlett up to one of her chiropractors to get stretched. Though as it would turn out my chauffeuring her was unnecessary. Oh well, I like to think of it as Driving Miss Crazy. But I digress. So she gets stretched and on the way back we're just making small talk. Debating the current President, his economic policies, foreign policies (at least as near as I can make them out), the economy in general yadda yadda yadda. When out of the blue, out of left field (pick your favorite saying) Scarlett asks me, growing up, what I wanted to be. Okay. Now where did that come from? Am I being set up? Baited? This is one of the reasons it takes me so long to answer any of her questions. I have to look at all the angles. Yeah, I know. Sounds healthy to me too.
So I finally decide this might be a safe question and say that after a certain point I just figured I'd be working in the family business so I didn't spend too much time worrying about it. Scarlett responded by saying that I guess you didn't have a lot of choices. No, that's not what I said. Apparently she wasn't listening because she then offered up that having a lot of choices can be scary and unnerving. Huh. Really? Never really saw it that way personally. But instead I told her, well maybe I just did what I thought was expected.
Scarlett then said how that really sucked (ironic choice of words I thought) and that it was my life I should do what I want. From the mouths of cluster b's to mangle a phrase....
However, having been around this little freak show for awhile and having a fairly good working Cluster B decoder ring (always pay up for the good ones, the cereal box ones don't work) I knew that what Scarlett said was not quite what she meant. When Scarlett says it's your life and you should do what you want, what she really means to say is that you should do what you want as long as it parallels what she wants you to do. Your life is not yours don't you know. Well it is to the extent that Scarlett will allow it.
At least that's the way it used to be. With the help of many friends, online resources as well as the Shah, my eyes have been opened. While there are those who sincerely believe I should
I have maintained from Day One that I want to conclude this in the right, proper, kind, friendly and civil way. Payback, retribution, being purposefully hurtful, uncaring and the like, despite my outward persona/appearance is not how I want this handled. At the end of this Salty has to live with what he's done and be able to look at himself in the mirror.
We all handle our trials and tribulations in our own way. This is mine. And with that, the lyrics of The Grateful Dead from Truckin' spring to mind:
Sometimes the light's all shinin' on me,
Other times I can barely see.
Lately it occurs to me what a long, strange trip it's been.
Tuesday, July 18, 2017
Good neighbors
Spoke with my attorney today and found out that three weeks ago Scarlett had contacted hers with a question about dismissing the case. Dismissing? Told mine that was the last thing I'd expected to hear but regardless, I have absolutely no interest in doing that. Also was advised that when this thing heats up again that I would be far better off not staying in the house with Scarlett.
Early on in this she made some accusations about some alleged "abuse" she had suffered at my hands for which she had "medical proof". To this day I have no idea what she was talking about. But given that she has a history of making these accusations, it would behoove me to be long gone. Otherwise, she could make a claim of abuse or domestic violence against me which becomes a he-said-she-said case and since the courts highly favor the woman in this.....I also discovered in this conversation that, at least in California, verbal abuse is considered domestic abuse.
And to think, I was able to go some 50+ years never needing to know any of this. Never had a need for a urologist, neurologist or psychologist either in all those years. Until recently. Hmmmm.
Spoke with Mole today and heard that another neighbor is in my corner on this. Scarlett had gone over to this persons house for one reason or another and apparently while there decided to engage in some Salty bashing. Complained that I would not forgive her, she was 100% correct in all she did, Salty is an ass blah blah blah, usual stuff. Sadly though for Scarlett, this neighbor knew the story, knew the timeline and sequence of events and pointed these out to dear Miss Scarlett. Eventually, Scarlet huffed away.
Odd that Scarlett didn't tell me about this meeting since it happened this morning....
Dismiss the case? Sometimes I wonder if Scarlett makes any sense to herself.
Other than that a rather quiet day here at Fog Beach. But there's still the evening!
Early on in this she made some accusations about some alleged "abuse" she had suffered at my hands for which she had "medical proof". To this day I have no idea what she was talking about. But given that she has a history of making these accusations, it would behoove me to be long gone. Otherwise, she could make a claim of abuse or domestic violence against me which becomes a he-said-she-said case and since the courts highly favor the woman in this.....I also discovered in this conversation that, at least in California, verbal abuse is considered domestic abuse.
And to think, I was able to go some 50+ years never needing to know any of this. Never had a need for a urologist, neurologist or psychologist either in all those years. Until recently. Hmmmm.
Spoke with Mole today and heard that another neighbor is in my corner on this. Scarlett had gone over to this persons house for one reason or another and apparently while there decided to engage in some Salty bashing. Complained that I would not forgive her, she was 100% correct in all she did, Salty is an ass blah blah blah, usual stuff. Sadly though for Scarlett, this neighbor knew the story, knew the timeline and sequence of events and pointed these out to dear Miss Scarlett. Eventually, Scarlet huffed away.
Odd that Scarlett didn't tell me about this meeting since it happened this morning....
Dismiss the case? Sometimes I wonder if Scarlett makes any sense to herself.
Other than that a rather quiet day here at Fog Beach. But there's still the evening!
Monday, July 17, 2017
The Gambler
Peace and quiet. Such a welcome relief!
Scarlett made her weekly pilgrimage to the Holy Hall of Hypocrites (church) yesterday morning and was away from the house until early afternoon. I was called out on a tech support job shortly after she got back (darn the luck) and by the time I returned it was getting near to my appointed time to make a call to the northern wilds. All of which is a long way of saying that nothing much really happened good or bad yesterday. In truth, Scarlett has been on very good behavior though I suspect it is more a matter of Hoovering
It also strikes me that the term FOG may not be known by some of my many thousands of world wide readers =) so if that describes you please see Fog .
JADE is another term you will see here from time to time - JADE
And that I believe completes my little bit of housekeeping for the moment.
I still have not unpacked (well, unboxed really) much if any of my belongings simply because I do not yet know just how long I will be here. I've also been hesitant to do very much in the way of Household R&M (repairs and maintenance) for fear of giving Scarlett some idea that I am perfectly comfortable in this present situation. That changed a little yesterday when I found I had some "free" time on my hands. Not really free but there is only so much time I can spend reading and working. Sometimes you, or at least I, just need to get away and do something with your hands for a while. Yesterday that involved some minor R&M, painting of a couple of items and sharpening some very dull knives. Exciting stuff!
Realized, or probably just choose to remember, that this house and the items here are just as much mine as they are Scarlett's and I am tired of the neglect that has occurred since I've been gone. Besides, I am told that that can be good therapy and for the most part I agree.
The roller coaster has slowed down, as it does from time to time. Tried to determine yesterday whether there is any sort of predictable pattern or set of triggers to her behavior which is something I've tried in vain for years to figure out. I just didn't know exactly what I was dealing with prior to this past year. My conclusion? There's nothing here you can count on. I may have some vague idea about what will trigger her but for the most part it's nothing concrete. Certainly nothing that were I in Vegas I would be willing to put my hard earned money on. At least when you're playing blackjack with one or two decks you can get a fairly good sense whether the shoe is feeling heavy or light and adjust your bets, holds and hits to accommodate that. Scarlett must know this, or maybe they are taught this in Borderline/Histrionic Class because, just like most casinos, she is using at least 5 decks of cards which makes the game exceedingly hard to predict.
As Kenny Rogers has sung -
On a warm summer's eve On a train bound for nowhere
I met up with the gambler We were both too tired to sleep
So we took turns a-starin' Out the window at the darkness
The boredom overtook us, And he began to speak
He said, "Son, I've made a life Out of readin' people's faces
Knowin' what the cards were By the way they held their eyes
So if you don't mind me sayin' I can see you're out of aces
For a taste of your whiskey I'll give you some advice"
So I handed him my bottle And he drank down my last swallow
Then he bummed a cigarette And asked me for a light
And the night got deathly quiet And his face lost all expression
He said, "If you're gonna play the game, boy
You gotta learn to play it right
You've got to know when to hold 'em Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away And know when to run
You never count your money When you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for counting When the dealin's done
Every gambler knows That the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' what to throw away And knowin' what to keep
'Cause every hand's a winner And every hand's a loser
And the best that you can hope for is to die In your sleep
And when he finished speakin' He turned back toward the window
Crushed out his cigarette And faded off to sleep
And somewhere in the darkness The gambler he broke even
But in his final words I found an ace that I could keep
You've got to know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run
You never count your money
When you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin'
When the dealin's done
Scarlett made her weekly pilgrimage to the Holy Hall of Hypocrites (church) yesterday morning and was away from the house until early afternoon. I was called out on a tech support job shortly after she got back (darn the luck) and by the time I returned it was getting near to my appointed time to make a call to the northern wilds. All of which is a long way of saying that nothing much really happened good or bad yesterday. In truth, Scarlett has been on very good behavior though I suspect it is more a matter of Hoovering
It also strikes me that the term FOG may not be known by some of my many thousands of world wide readers =) so if that describes you please see Fog .
JADE is another term you will see here from time to time - JADE
And that I believe completes my little bit of housekeeping for the moment.
I still have not unpacked (well, unboxed really) much if any of my belongings simply because I do not yet know just how long I will be here. I've also been hesitant to do very much in the way of Household R&M (repairs and maintenance) for fear of giving Scarlett some idea that I am perfectly comfortable in this present situation. That changed a little yesterday when I found I had some "free" time on my hands. Not really free but there is only so much time I can spend reading and working. Sometimes you, or at least I, just need to get away and do something with your hands for a while. Yesterday that involved some minor R&M, painting of a couple of items and sharpening some very dull knives. Exciting stuff!
Realized, or probably just choose to remember, that this house and the items here are just as much mine as they are Scarlett's and I am tired of the neglect that has occurred since I've been gone. Besides, I am told that that can be good therapy and for the most part I agree.
The roller coaster has slowed down, as it does from time to time. Tried to determine yesterday whether there is any sort of predictable pattern or set of triggers to her behavior which is something I've tried in vain for years to figure out. I just didn't know exactly what I was dealing with prior to this past year. My conclusion? There's nothing here you can count on. I may have some vague idea about what will trigger her but for the most part it's nothing concrete. Certainly nothing that were I in Vegas I would be willing to put my hard earned money on. At least when you're playing blackjack with one or two decks you can get a fairly good sense whether the shoe is feeling heavy or light and adjust your bets, holds and hits to accommodate that. Scarlett must know this, or maybe they are taught this in Borderline/Histrionic Class because, just like most casinos, she is using at least 5 decks of cards which makes the game exceedingly hard to predict.
As Kenny Rogers has sung -
On a warm summer's eve On a train bound for nowhere
I met up with the gambler We were both too tired to sleep
So we took turns a-starin' Out the window at the darkness
The boredom overtook us, And he began to speak
He said, "Son, I've made a life Out of readin' people's faces
Knowin' what the cards were By the way they held their eyes
So if you don't mind me sayin' I can see you're out of aces
For a taste of your whiskey I'll give you some advice"
So I handed him my bottle And he drank down my last swallow
Then he bummed a cigarette And asked me for a light
And the night got deathly quiet And his face lost all expression
He said, "If you're gonna play the game, boy
You gotta learn to play it right
You've got to know when to hold 'em Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away And know when to run
You never count your money When you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for counting When the dealin's done
Every gambler knows That the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' what to throw away And knowin' what to keep
'Cause every hand's a winner And every hand's a loser
And the best that you can hope for is to die In your sleep
And when he finished speakin' He turned back toward the window
Crushed out his cigarette And faded off to sleep
And somewhere in the darkness The gambler he broke even
But in his final words I found an ace that I could keep
You've got to know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run
You never count your money
When you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin'
When the dealin's done
Saturday, July 15, 2017
PhD in stress
I am really beginning to hate Saturdays. This is the day when Scarlett and I have our couples counseling session. And they never quite go the way I think they should. But first a little background if only for me.
The Shah was the one who referred me to Irving back in February. Which at the time was a bit strange. He told me that for a couples counselor I should be looking for a female psychologist who was NOT a marriage and family therapist. The goal was to find someone that would look at this situation objectively, determine whether in fact what was left of this marriage could or should be saved, what was best for the two parties involved and then assist one or both in making the needed transition. But....Irving is NOT female and he IS a marriage and family therapist. However the Shah assured me that this was the guy I was looking for. Well as I discovered this past Thursday, Irving and the Shah haven't really conversed in the past two or so years...which goes a long way in explaining how I wound up with someone the exact opposite of what he himself said I wanted.
So I've taken a number of the opportunities presented to me in these couples sessions to point out Irving's bias when it comes to marriage vs. what might be best for those involved, his lack of objectivity as well as what is very apparently goal seeking. No doubt there are many areas in life where these are good attributes to have. Not so much in couples counseling IMO.
Anyway. First topic of the day was stress. Apparently I arrived looking quite stressed and worn out. And this I guess was the first time he noticed.....So I tell him that as a matter of fact I am stressed. Have been for about a year now. 2 guesses as to why and the first one doesn't count. His cure? Well that's why we have to work on getting you two back together. Uh, hold it. Your bias is showing as well as your lack of objectivity. I think what we need to do is determine what is in each of our best interests. Well he agreed with that. Wow. Thanks. But is there someway to not agree with that?
Scarlett was staying silent so I ran him through all the past weeks highlights culminating in Scarlett's suitcase maneuver. Told him that about 45 minutes after she'd left that I felt more relaxed and calm than I had in months and months and months. And that when Scarlett reappeared on Friday that she had said she felt very relaxed once she got out of there.
But I'm talking to someone with a PhD so what seemed like an obvious connection there to me just blew right past him. Or he caught it but since it did not fit his narrative he needed to ignore it. Sometimes I wonder if once I step into that room I just start speaking Swahili because what I say does not seem to be understood.
And what did Scarlett have to say on all this?
She knows she's been very erratic this past year (really? wow, what insight) but that's only because she is such an emotional person and all of her reactions and emotions are PERFECTLY normal. Someone told her that. Someone obviously who was unaware of the full range and scope of her actions and reactions. But "God" told her he was making something better for her. Now, a few months back, this something better I was told was a better man. Today I am told, no, not a man, but a better marriage. I guess that's one of the perks of having "God" talk to you and only you. You can change what he said to fit your current psychosis. So now she is back to "fighting for the marriage", digging in her heels, waiting me out etc. etc. etc.
I've been on this ride before. But unlike most carnivals, the rides in this one vary in length and intensity each time you're on them. But none of them are fun. And the clowns here are mean too. No candy apples and no exit yet that I can find.
I hate carnivals.
The Shah was the one who referred me to Irving back in February. Which at the time was a bit strange. He told me that for a couples counselor I should be looking for a female psychologist who was NOT a marriage and family therapist. The goal was to find someone that would look at this situation objectively, determine whether in fact what was left of this marriage could or should be saved, what was best for the two parties involved and then assist one or both in making the needed transition. But....Irving is NOT female and he IS a marriage and family therapist. However the Shah assured me that this was the guy I was looking for. Well as I discovered this past Thursday, Irving and the Shah haven't really conversed in the past two or so years...which goes a long way in explaining how I wound up with someone the exact opposite of what he himself said I wanted.
So I've taken a number of the opportunities presented to me in these couples sessions to point out Irving's bias when it comes to marriage vs. what might be best for those involved, his lack of objectivity as well as what is very apparently goal seeking. No doubt there are many areas in life where these are good attributes to have. Not so much in couples counseling IMO.
Anyway. First topic of the day was stress. Apparently I arrived looking quite stressed and worn out. And this I guess was the first time he noticed.....So I tell him that as a matter of fact I am stressed. Have been for about a year now. 2 guesses as to why and the first one doesn't count. His cure? Well that's why we have to work on getting you two back together. Uh, hold it. Your bias is showing as well as your lack of objectivity. I think what we need to do is determine what is in each of our best interests. Well he agreed with that. Wow. Thanks. But is there someway to not agree with that?
Scarlett was staying silent so I ran him through all the past weeks highlights culminating in Scarlett's suitcase maneuver. Told him that about 45 minutes after she'd left that I felt more relaxed and calm than I had in months and months and months. And that when Scarlett reappeared on Friday that she had said she felt very relaxed once she got out of there.
But I'm talking to someone with a PhD so what seemed like an obvious connection there to me just blew right past him. Or he caught it but since it did not fit his narrative he needed to ignore it. Sometimes I wonder if once I step into that room I just start speaking Swahili because what I say does not seem to be understood.
And what did Scarlett have to say on all this?
She knows she's been very erratic this past year (really? wow, what insight) but that's only because she is such an emotional person and all of her reactions and emotions are PERFECTLY normal. Someone told her that. Someone obviously who was unaware of the full range and scope of her actions and reactions. But "God" told her he was making something better for her. Now, a few months back, this something better I was told was a better man. Today I am told, no, not a man, but a better marriage. I guess that's one of the perks of having "God" talk to you and only you. You can change what he said to fit your current psychosis. So now she is back to "fighting for the marriage", digging in her heels, waiting me out etc. etc. etc.
I've been on this ride before. But unlike most carnivals, the rides in this one vary in length and intensity each time you're on them. But none of them are fun. And the clowns here are mean too. No candy apples and no exit yet that I can find.
I hate carnivals.
Friday, July 14, 2017
Cue Rod Serling
Well to no one's real surprise, Scarlett came back this morning. Initially I thought it might just be to grab some more forgotten items but...no. She walked and fed my furry friend then found me and proceeded to tell me that we needed to get this (divorce) done in a friendly and civil manner. And that was darn near the last anyone saw of friendly and civil.
She had or was going to (never did find out which) call her attorney and then her friend who's a real estate agent to list the house. I went over all my earlier (months ago) arguments concerning how my buying her out would be simpler and far more convenient. Well, fine. But I need the cash quick she said. And we were off and running.
Scarlett started out calm then crying, a little screaming, back to crying and then eventually back to calm. We wound up having a 3 hour conversation that pretty much hit all the high and low points over the past year. Why? Don't ask me. I'm in a fog remember.
I won't bother running through all the details but in those 3 hours she somehow managed to change her mind on things quite a few times. At the end of this, or so I thought it was the end, she went downstairs and reappeared about 20 minutes later with some lunch that I'd neither requested nor asked for. Regardless, it was welcome. But as she was putting it down she said "you still love me and don't want to divorce me and I still love you and don't want to divorce you". That was strange since the just ended conversation had stopped on quite a different note.
About a half hour after this, she went across the street to my informant and proceeded to tell her that it was over. And we were not going to the county fair. Or we were going to the fair. I'm fuzzy on that one.
Fast forward to this evening wherein I tell Scarlett that due to what I now know about some of her past activities as well as how I was treated over the past year, for a reason that I still believe did not warrant said treatment, I just can no longer look at her the same way.
Borderline/histrionic...I keep forgetting that part. What you say and what they hear are many times two different things. She took what I said and changed it to I could not stand the sight of her. Huh? And off we went. Again.
That was a 2 hour conversation that (so far) ended with Scarlett actually becoming somewhat reflective and tying what has occurred in the past year to what she did very early on. Not taking all the blame, which I would neither expect nor allow but it was a refreshing change from the usual scream fest that I've had to get used to.
Anyway, it was all very odd. I half expected to see Rod Serling behind a potted palm somewhere. But having no potted palms in the house I guess that probably wasn't going to happen.
Back and forth. Up and down. I want this. No, I don't want that. Get away closer. This is why they say that those who live with this type of personality long enough, oftentimes feel that they are the ones who are insane.
She had or was going to (never did find out which) call her attorney and then her friend who's a real estate agent to list the house. I went over all my earlier (months ago) arguments concerning how my buying her out would be simpler and far more convenient. Well, fine. But I need the cash quick she said. And we were off and running.
Scarlett started out calm then crying, a little screaming, back to crying and then eventually back to calm. We wound up having a 3 hour conversation that pretty much hit all the high and low points over the past year. Why? Don't ask me. I'm in a fog remember.
I won't bother running through all the details but in those 3 hours she somehow managed to change her mind on things quite a few times. At the end of this, or so I thought it was the end, she went downstairs and reappeared about 20 minutes later with some lunch that I'd neither requested nor asked for. Regardless, it was welcome. But as she was putting it down she said "you still love me and don't want to divorce me and I still love you and don't want to divorce you". That was strange since the just ended conversation had stopped on quite a different note.
About a half hour after this, she went across the street to my informant and proceeded to tell her that it was over. And we were not going to the county fair. Or we were going to the fair. I'm fuzzy on that one.
Fast forward to this evening wherein I tell Scarlett that due to what I now know about some of her past activities as well as how I was treated over the past year, for a reason that I still believe did not warrant said treatment, I just can no longer look at her the same way.
Borderline/histrionic...I keep forgetting that part. What you say and what they hear are many times two different things. She took what I said and changed it to I could not stand the sight of her. Huh? And off we went. Again.
That was a 2 hour conversation that (so far) ended with Scarlett actually becoming somewhat reflective and tying what has occurred in the past year to what she did very early on. Not taking all the blame, which I would neither expect nor allow but it was a refreshing change from the usual scream fest that I've had to get used to.
Anyway, it was all very odd. I half expected to see Rod Serling behind a potted palm somewhere. But having no potted palms in the house I guess that probably wasn't going to happen.
Back and forth. Up and down. I want this. No, I don't want that. Get away closer. This is why they say that those who live with this type of personality long enough, oftentimes feel that they are the ones who are insane.
Thursday, July 13, 2017
It was 50 years ago today
Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play
They've been going in and out of style,
But they're guaranteed to raise a smile,
So may I introduce to you,
The act you've known for all these years,
Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.
And on that same album in 1967 was a song by Lennon and McCartney titled "She's Leaving Home".
Which I will get back to.
This blog has been quiet for a couple of days due to a lack of privacy that I should have foreseen. Shoulda, woulda, coulda seems to be the theme of my life this past year, or these past 41 (42 now) depending on your frame of reference. Anyway, another part of the reason, which ties in, has to do with my sister, whom I shall refer to as Ida, and her husband, who will henceforth in these parts be known as Hoag.
Seems that Ida and Hoag had a flight to catch to Idaho (now you get it) and being the kind, generous brother/brother in law that I am, I drove them to the airport to board said flight. However, as luck would have it, Hoag developed some medical conditions that prompted the plane to return to the gate, eject both him and Ida to a waiting ambulance that whisked them away to a local emergency room. What does this have to do with anything? Patience grasshopper.
This occurred yesterday but I neglected to inform Scarlett. Not out of spite but simply due to my being unsure whether Ida and Hoag would want this information shared. And that brings me to today.
Mornings and I have not been the best of friends in about a year. In truth I have learned to dread them and the best part of my day usually begins around 9:00 PM. My phone is quiet, emails have mostly died down and I am able to think, ponder, wonder, dream, fantasize and pray without being interrupted by something or someone. Usually.
So, this morning was that kind of morning. Scarlett noticed something was wrong (the same thing that has been wrong for the past week that I have been in residence) and inquired as to how I was doing.
Salty: Not well thank you.
Scarlett: Why are you breathing like that?
Salty: Because.
Scarlett: Because why?
Salty: It's called stress, anxiety and depression
Scarlett: How long has this been going on?
Salty: (thinking to himself, really?) Just about a year....
Scarlett: Is there anything you can take for it?
Salty: Yes. And I am. All the pills and supplements you see up there that you wanted me to stop a week ago.
Scarlett: Can you take more?
Salty: Taking the max right now.
Scarlett then wanted to pray, told Salty how sad and sorry she was that he felt this way and was there anything she could do. No, but thank you. Breakfast was offered, coffee was brought up and sad looks given. Towards late morning Scarlett asked about my plans for the afternoon. Informed her that I had my weekly meeting with the Shah but that I would be leaving very early for that to stop by and see how the patients were doing.
Patients?
So I then told Scarlett about Ida and Hoag's misfortune yesterday. At least that's what I remember telling her. But based on her reaction I apparently must have said how she looked remarkably like a decomposing swamp monster or something equally awful. She began to cry then scream. Then more crying and more screaming. I was told in no uncertain terms that I was "hiding" things from her. She was a member of the family and had some sort of right to know. I tried telling her that I didn't mention anything because I was not sure that Ida and Hoag wanted this information shared. Nope, that doesn't matter. She is my wife and therefore I guess I am duty bound to tell her everything about everybody. Not her words but that was the gist.
She retreats downstairs where she resumes crying, slamming a few drawers and whatnot and eventually comes back upstairs where she retrieves a suitcase from the attic. Scarlett looks at me, the suitcase then me again. She picks up the suitcase, carries it into the room and I hear drawers being opened, pills being tossed around and before I know it she is standing in a doorway announcing that she is leaving. Told you I'd get back to that.
But not quite. The histrionic as well as the borderline personality type loves drama. And this smelled to all the world like one big drama play. Scarlett attempted to get me to say something to stop her from leaving. All I could say to her was that I was not the one who asked her to leave nor did I tell her to leave. But she had painted herself into a corner and could not not leave without losing face. And that is precisely what she did mid afternoon today.
Now, I haven't seen the exact movie before but based on my years of experience I highly suspect that she will be back. I am told, by a certain mole, that Scarlett has said the only way she will come back is if I do something "grandiose". There will be a very long wait for that.
I truly feel sorrow and anguish over what Scarlett has managed to do to herself. Of course she is not entirely to blame, I have admitted to my fair share in this year long odyssey but sadly the histrionic/borderline type does not have very good impulse control. A thought enters their head and they either have to speak it or perform it without first thinking it over. That has to be an awful way to live but there is precious little us "non's" (non personality disordered) can do about it. Well, that's not entirely true. We can, as I have done far too many times in the past, accept all the blame, offer apologies when demanded, say that we are sorry even when we've done nothing to be sorry for or about and generally roll over and surrender to keep some fleeting peace in the marriage and household. Speaking from my own experience, that too is no way to live.
I realize this is an exceptionally long post, for those of you who got this far, thank you. I am reminded of yet one more song on Sgt. Pepper's that is very apropos for me at this time in my life.
With A Little Help From My Friends
I can only hope that I am not still on this blog (another song from Sgt Pepper's) When I'm Sixty-Four.
They've been going in and out of style,
But they're guaranteed to raise a smile,
So may I introduce to you,
The act you've known for all these years,
Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.
And on that same album in 1967 was a song by Lennon and McCartney titled "She's Leaving Home".
Which I will get back to.
This blog has been quiet for a couple of days due to a lack of privacy that I should have foreseen. Shoulda, woulda, coulda seems to be the theme of my life this past year, or these past 41 (42 now) depending on your frame of reference. Anyway, another part of the reason, which ties in, has to do with my sister, whom I shall refer to as Ida, and her husband, who will henceforth in these parts be known as Hoag.
Seems that Ida and Hoag had a flight to catch to Idaho (now you get it) and being the kind, generous brother/brother in law that I am, I drove them to the airport to board said flight. However, as luck would have it, Hoag developed some medical conditions that prompted the plane to return to the gate, eject both him and Ida to a waiting ambulance that whisked them away to a local emergency room. What does this have to do with anything? Patience grasshopper.
This occurred yesterday but I neglected to inform Scarlett. Not out of spite but simply due to my being unsure whether Ida and Hoag would want this information shared. And that brings me to today.
Mornings and I have not been the best of friends in about a year. In truth I have learned to dread them and the best part of my day usually begins around 9:00 PM. My phone is quiet, emails have mostly died down and I am able to think, ponder, wonder, dream, fantasize and pray without being interrupted by something or someone. Usually.
So, this morning was that kind of morning. Scarlett noticed something was wrong (the same thing that has been wrong for the past week that I have been in residence) and inquired as to how I was doing.
Salty: Not well thank you.
Scarlett: Why are you breathing like that?
Salty: Because.
Scarlett: Because why?
Salty: It's called stress, anxiety and depression
Scarlett: How long has this been going on?
Salty: (thinking to himself, really?) Just about a year....
Scarlett: Is there anything you can take for it?
Salty: Yes. And I am. All the pills and supplements you see up there that you wanted me to stop a week ago.
Scarlett: Can you take more?
Salty: Taking the max right now.
Scarlett then wanted to pray, told Salty how sad and sorry she was that he felt this way and was there anything she could do. No, but thank you. Breakfast was offered, coffee was brought up and sad looks given. Towards late morning Scarlett asked about my plans for the afternoon. Informed her that I had my weekly meeting with the Shah but that I would be leaving very early for that to stop by and see how the patients were doing.
Patients?
So I then told Scarlett about Ida and Hoag's misfortune yesterday. At least that's what I remember telling her. But based on her reaction I apparently must have said how she looked remarkably like a decomposing swamp monster or something equally awful. She began to cry then scream. Then more crying and more screaming. I was told in no uncertain terms that I was "hiding" things from her. She was a member of the family and had some sort of right to know. I tried telling her that I didn't mention anything because I was not sure that Ida and Hoag wanted this information shared. Nope, that doesn't matter. She is my wife and therefore I guess I am duty bound to tell her everything about everybody. Not her words but that was the gist.
She retreats downstairs where she resumes crying, slamming a few drawers and whatnot and eventually comes back upstairs where she retrieves a suitcase from the attic. Scarlett looks at me, the suitcase then me again. She picks up the suitcase, carries it into the room and I hear drawers being opened, pills being tossed around and before I know it she is standing in a doorway announcing that she is leaving. Told you I'd get back to that.
But not quite. The histrionic as well as the borderline personality type loves drama. And this smelled to all the world like one big drama play. Scarlett attempted to get me to say something to stop her from leaving. All I could say to her was that I was not the one who asked her to leave nor did I tell her to leave. But she had painted herself into a corner and could not not leave without losing face. And that is precisely what she did mid afternoon today.
Now, I haven't seen the exact movie before but based on my years of experience I highly suspect that she will be back. I am told, by a certain mole, that Scarlett has said the only way she will come back is if I do something "grandiose". There will be a very long wait for that.
I truly feel sorrow and anguish over what Scarlett has managed to do to herself. Of course she is not entirely to blame, I have admitted to my fair share in this year long odyssey but sadly the histrionic/borderline type does not have very good impulse control. A thought enters their head and they either have to speak it or perform it without first thinking it over. That has to be an awful way to live but there is precious little us "non's" (non personality disordered) can do about it. Well, that's not entirely true. We can, as I have done far too many times in the past, accept all the blame, offer apologies when demanded, say that we are sorry even when we've done nothing to be sorry for or about and generally roll over and surrender to keep some fleeting peace in the marriage and household. Speaking from my own experience, that too is no way to live.
I realize this is an exceptionally long post, for those of you who got this far, thank you. I am reminded of yet one more song on Sgt. Pepper's that is very apropos for me at this time in my life.
With A Little Help From My Friends
I can only hope that I am not still on this blog (another song from Sgt Pepper's) When I'm Sixty-Four.
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
Monday Night Fogball
So there I was minding my own business trying to do some reading and hanging out with my furry friend when Scarlett saunters into the room and queries me as to whether I was there to spend time with her. You know, after a while you just get used to her being the first thing on her mind....
And then the "talk" began. As usual it didn't take long for it to spiral out of control. Let's see, according to Scarlett I am:
A weasel
A son of a bitch
A bastard
An asshole
A cruel, heartless bastard
An idiot
A fool
And maybe I'm gay but now she's not so sure
She brought up our local county fair and I informed her, again, that I would not be attending this year. Can not afford it thanks entirely to her excessive spending of the past year plus. But hey, at least she had fun and enjoyed herself spending money she never earned. Maybe it's just me but I do not take any comfort in that....Anyway that then led her to tell me I'm tight, cheap, greedy, selfish...all things I've heard before ad nauseum. What Scarlett can't seem to figure out is that it was precisely those qualities, though I would use very different words, that allowed the money she spent so freely and stupidly to be there in the first place. Dot connecting is not one of her strong suits.
I was informed she was not going to put up with "this" for the next 20-30 years and she wanted the man she married back. I offered to go to the store and pick up a 12 pack of beer, down about 8 of them and then she would have "that man" back. Apparently, even though that is what she said she wanted, it's not what she wanted.
She brought up Goose and Ganders and tried in vain to somehow nail me with that until I pointed out that what she was talking about she had actually done not only first but also second, so if anyone was the goose here, it would be her and I take the role of the gander (does that make me gay?). Oh she hates it when her attempts to shame me backfire on her. As they say, karma is a bitch.
More talk, from her, about the need to leave the past in the past and "move forward". Uh, no. I'm not letting Scarlett off that easy. If the roles were reversed, I would certainly want the past to be forgotten and never discussed again, but that will not be happening on my watch. She once again came within inches of telling me to leave, though she also mentioned she might just gather up some of her stuff and leave. If that was meant to frighten me it failed miserably.
And then the "talk" began. As usual it didn't take long for it to spiral out of control. Let's see, according to Scarlett I am:
A weasel
A son of a bitch
A bastard
An asshole
A cruel, heartless bastard
An idiot
A fool
And maybe I'm gay but now she's not so sure
She brought up our local county fair and I informed her, again, that I would not be attending this year. Can not afford it thanks entirely to her excessive spending of the past year plus. But hey, at least she had fun and enjoyed herself spending money she never earned. Maybe it's just me but I do not take any comfort in that....Anyway that then led her to tell me I'm tight, cheap, greedy, selfish...all things I've heard before ad nauseum. What Scarlett can't seem to figure out is that it was precisely those qualities, though I would use very different words, that allowed the money she spent so freely and stupidly to be there in the first place. Dot connecting is not one of her strong suits.
I was informed she was not going to put up with "this" for the next 20-30 years and she wanted the man she married back. I offered to go to the store and pick up a 12 pack of beer, down about 8 of them and then she would have "that man" back. Apparently, even though that is what she said she wanted, it's not what she wanted.
She brought up Goose and Ganders and tried in vain to somehow nail me with that until I pointed out that what she was talking about she had actually done not only first but also second, so if anyone was the goose here, it would be her and I take the role of the gander (does that make me gay?). Oh she hates it when her attempts to shame me backfire on her. As they say, karma is a bitch.
More talk, from her, about the need to leave the past in the past and "move forward". Uh, no. I'm not letting Scarlett off that easy. If the roles were reversed, I would certainly want the past to be forgotten and never discussed again, but that will not be happening on my watch. She once again came within inches of telling me to leave, though she also mentioned she might just gather up some of her stuff and leave. If that was meant to frighten me it failed miserably.
Sunday, July 9, 2017
A Sunday Sermon
Thou shalt not kill. This is the 5th or 6th commandment depending upon your particular religious orientation. I have often wondered if the good lord was just yanking our chain with this one. Why send down a commandment to not kill and then send down so many people that need just that?
Patience is a virtue and vengeance is mine saith the Lord (Romans 12:19), but still....He has an entire universe to take care of. Why won't he allow us to dispatch those that need dispatching and save him some time and bother?
Just something to ponder.
Patience is a virtue and vengeance is mine saith the Lord (Romans 12:19), but still....He has an entire universe to take care of. Why won't he allow us to dispatch those that need dispatching and save him some time and bother?
Just something to ponder.
Saturday, July 8, 2017
Saturday's are always fun...
Usual Saturday meeting with Irving today. He was made aware of my reappearance at Tara as well as Scarlett's ranting meltdown hardly 24 hours later. His take? We have different "cadences" - Scarlett wants everything now and I prefer to actually think and contemplate before making a move. No big insight there. Because I am usually under the gun on getting these posts out, I am going to skip ahead to the good parts and fill in as time allows.
Irving, who I have called out on his bias many times before did not disappoint today either. At times I feel as though I'm playing a rigged game in that room and I am the sucker. Needless to say, that is not a good feeling. What brings that up, somewhat like a cat and a hairball, was a number of his statements today. He is again an "advocate" for this marriage which still makes no sense to me. A marriage does not exist separate and unto itself. How can you advocate for something that is non existent? The people who make the marriage exist and therefore one or the other can be advocated for but not this concept called marriage. At least in my non PhD opinion.
I also told him that I had really hoped for a referee that was objective and did not have an agenda. Irving was confused by that statement. So I defined "referee", "objective" and "agenda" for him. A referee does not care who wins or loses, he is objective and therefore has no agenda favoring one side over the other and is there to make sure the rules of the game are followed and adhered to by all players. Sadly his explanation as to how he was in fact a referee left me wanting. Towards the end of this fun, Irving wanted to know how I saw this "moving forward". My response was that I was unconvinced that it would move forward but that at the end of this, whatever that look likes, I hoped that Scarlett would be happy and have a life to look forward to as well as myself. Apparently, according to Irving, if you are seeking happiness, don't get married. Seriously.
And what he meant by that is in marriage, you grow and become more mature and through this growth you find happiness. Which explains a lot vis-a-vis Scarlett....However he also said that one of the ground rules here was no "exit talk". Huh? So this is a one way street? No way. A one way ticket? No f***ing way! There is more than one possible outcome to all of this, and he knows that. Or at least would if he were objective, unbiased and did not have an agenda. Who said that? Oh yeah, I did.
So the lesson for today? When given a chance to go to marriage counseling, and I am speaking only to the males here, FOR GOD'S SAKE, IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, DO. NOT. GO.
On an unrelated but certainly happier note, my father was told to vacate the hospital post haste today. An order he gladly complied with! Thanks to my sister and that guy she married for making that happen.
Irving, who I have called out on his bias many times before did not disappoint today either. At times I feel as though I'm playing a rigged game in that room and I am the sucker. Needless to say, that is not a good feeling. What brings that up, somewhat like a cat and a hairball, was a number of his statements today. He is again an "advocate" for this marriage which still makes no sense to me. A marriage does not exist separate and unto itself. How can you advocate for something that is non existent? The people who make the marriage exist and therefore one or the other can be advocated for but not this concept called marriage. At least in my non PhD opinion.
I also told him that I had really hoped for a referee that was objective and did not have an agenda. Irving was confused by that statement. So I defined "referee", "objective" and "agenda" for him. A referee does not care who wins or loses, he is objective and therefore has no agenda favoring one side over the other and is there to make sure the rules of the game are followed and adhered to by all players. Sadly his explanation as to how he was in fact a referee left me wanting. Towards the end of this fun, Irving wanted to know how I saw this "moving forward". My response was that I was unconvinced that it would move forward but that at the end of this, whatever that look likes, I hoped that Scarlett would be happy and have a life to look forward to as well as myself. Apparently, according to Irving, if you are seeking happiness, don't get married. Seriously.
And what he meant by that is in marriage, you grow and become more mature and through this growth you find happiness. Which explains a lot vis-a-vis Scarlett....However he also said that one of the ground rules here was no "exit talk". Huh? So this is a one way street? No way. A one way ticket? No f***ing way! There is more than one possible outcome to all of this, and he knows that. Or at least would if he were objective, unbiased and did not have an agenda. Who said that? Oh yeah, I did.
So the lesson for today? When given a chance to go to marriage counseling, and I am speaking only to the males here, FOR GOD'S SAKE, IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, DO. NOT. GO.
On an unrelated but certainly happier note, my father was told to vacate the hospital post haste today. An order he gladly complied with! Thanks to my sister and that guy she married for making that happen.
Friday, July 7, 2017
Push/Pull/Shove
So where was I? Oh yeah. The rants and raves of Scarlett. Always a fun time. Well lets see, what was it I said or did not say, did or did not do last night (and I suppose for the entirety of my life with this shrew) that caused her to become Mt. St. Helens again? In truth and reality, nothing. No crime committed. However as I have so painful learned over the years, no crime, no wrong, no slight need be committed. Just the merest whisper of one will do and if no whisper is available, she is well adept at making one up.
So, in no particular order here were her "topics" for last night:
I (Saltyfog) want to be in control and to put Scarlett completely under my thumb. This was demonstrated by taking one of my books, throwing it on the floor and her rubbing her heel into it.
I am my father. That is a recurring theme that has absolutely nothing to do with anything.
I have NEVER cared nor supported her in ANYTHING she has ever done or wanted to do. This is demonstrably false, at least in the real world where I am living. Hers? Anything goes and it can change on a whim.
My statement that this marriage is not a partnership of equals (some weeks back) is the equivalent of me calling her worthless and valueless. Two words that I have never uttered to or about her, have never implied and would never imply. But for her to admit that would not be in keeping with her narrative.
I am told I said that when I came back I would not be on the computer as much. In fact, my statement was the polar opposite. Due to her excessive spending my time spent trying to make this money back has by necessity increased. I pointed that out to Scarlett last night to which she said, in essence, that she was not sorry in the least. She "had fun and enjoyed" herself. Well how nice I replied. It will be years before I will be able to get that same fun and enjoyment out of what you spent.
BTW - all of this was occurring at a very loud decibel level....
At one point I just said to her (when she paused long enough to inhale) that I was done talking to her, she was irrational and one of my primary rules is to never engage an irrational person in conversation.
I left the room but within 5 minutes she was standing in the room to which I had retired and continued to harangue, insult, belittle and generally tell me in great detail her complete and total disgust for the person known as Saltyfog. I offered no rebuttals so as not to prolong my undeserved suffering.
Finally, somewhere around 1:30am Scarlett ran out of steam and went to bed. I on the other hand remained in my room, thinking about all she had said, separating out truth from fiction, trying to see if perhaps she had any good points and at the end of that determined that she was quite and well insane.
Today? While she does not deny the, I estimate, three hours worth of "conversation" last night, she does, not surprisingly, recall it in a very different light. Something akin to Klieg lights and candle light....
So, in no particular order here were her "topics" for last night:
I (Saltyfog) want to be in control and to put Scarlett completely under my thumb. This was demonstrated by taking one of my books, throwing it on the floor and her rubbing her heel into it.
I am my father. That is a recurring theme that has absolutely nothing to do with anything.
I have NEVER cared nor supported her in ANYTHING she has ever done or wanted to do. This is demonstrably false, at least in the real world where I am living. Hers? Anything goes and it can change on a whim.
My statement that this marriage is not a partnership of equals (some weeks back) is the equivalent of me calling her worthless and valueless. Two words that I have never uttered to or about her, have never implied and would never imply. But for her to admit that would not be in keeping with her narrative.
I am told I said that when I came back I would not be on the computer as much. In fact, my statement was the polar opposite. Due to her excessive spending my time spent trying to make this money back has by necessity increased. I pointed that out to Scarlett last night to which she said, in essence, that she was not sorry in the least. She "had fun and enjoyed" herself. Well how nice I replied. It will be years before I will be able to get that same fun and enjoyment out of what you spent.
BTW - all of this was occurring at a very loud decibel level....
At one point I just said to her (when she paused long enough to inhale) that I was done talking to her, she was irrational and one of my primary rules is to never engage an irrational person in conversation.
I left the room but within 5 minutes she was standing in the room to which I had retired and continued to harangue, insult, belittle and generally tell me in great detail her complete and total disgust for the person known as Saltyfog. I offered no rebuttals so as not to prolong my undeserved suffering.
Finally, somewhere around 1:30am Scarlett ran out of steam and went to bed. I on the other hand remained in my room, thinking about all she had said, separating out truth from fiction, trying to see if perhaps she had any good points and at the end of that determined that she was quite and well insane.
Today? While she does not deny the, I estimate, three hours worth of "conversation" last night, she does, not surprisingly, recall it in a very different light. Something akin to Klieg lights and candle light....
Fog rolled in last night
So, I returned from my meeting with the Shah last night with some things to think about. Grabbed some reading material, sat in my chair in our living room and settled in for what I thought might be a peaceful night. Twas not to be. Scarlett came in and wanted to talk. Briefly and in the most general terms I told her what the Shah and I had discussed....90 minutes later she stormed upstairs "I'm going to bed, are you?" Nope, still have some notes to write down I said. And 90 minutes after that (now midnight) I went upstairs to close down my computer and retire for the evening. Except....she stomped into my office and proceeded to harangue me for being on my computer. That lasted for a good 20 minutes until I said I was not going to talk to her anymore, she was irrational and I was going to sleep in the other room. Five minutes later as I am finally getting ready to lay down she stomps down the hallway, flings open the door and for the next 30 minutes or so continues berating and haranguing me. All I could do was exactly what I'd done 3 months earlier when I was back here to help with my furry friend, which was to just lie back and let her rant. Somewhere around 2:00am she ran out of steam and left. I didn't wake until 11:30 this morning. Still need to fill in all the details for the living room "discussion", the office scream fest and the second bedroom borderline berating. Plus as an added bonus, today's bitch fest so far. I have not been told to leave yet but that may not be long in coming. More later. For now I need to go to the hospital and visit a sick friend.
Second times the charm?
Patient underwent a second surgery this evening to take care of a bleeding issue. He will likely be staying at said hospital through tomorrow night. More tomorrow on today's fun and games concerning the Shah and a lovely little discussion/conversation Saltyfog and Scarlett had tonight. 90 minutes of my life I will never get back!
Thursday, July 6, 2017
Surgery Update #2
The patient is in recovery and doing well I am told. No major surprises or upsets during the procedure. He will be in recovery until ~ 6:30-7:00 tonight.
Nothing else of note to report really. Have noticed that the ease with which I used to keep a journal while at the campsite is demonstrably more difficult here. Same with notes for use at my meeting with the Shah and Irving.
My furry four legged buddy had more x-rays today on his knee to see if it was in fact stable. Vet gave him a clean bill of health though recommended more exercise and fewer snacks. Sounds a lot like my vet!
Nothing else of note to report really. Have noticed that the ease with which I used to keep a journal while at the campsite is demonstrably more difficult here. Same with notes for use at my meeting with the Shah and Irving.
My furry four legged buddy had more x-rays today on his knee to see if it was in fact stable. Vet gave him a clean bill of health though recommended more exercise and fewer snacks. Sounds a lot like my vet!
Surgery Update
My father is having carotid surgery today and I just talked to my mother who informed me he is still in surgery and is expected to be for the next 2 hours thereabouts. Scarlett is unaware of anyway of this which is good for everyone involved. I imagine I will be dropping by after my appointment with the Shah tonight. Not the best way to get time away from the building chaos but I'll take what I can get.
Apparently Scarlett is unaware of the signs of stress and anxiety. Surprising since she is the cause of so much of it. Not only with me but her daughter, Virginia and a few neighbors here and there. At least they have the option of leaving the situation. Lucky devils!
Funny how "home" doesn't feel like that after a years absence. Still wish the guy whose life I'm living would show up to take it back and give me back mine =)
Apparently Scarlett is unaware of the signs of stress and anxiety. Surprising since she is the cause of so much of it. Not only with me but her daughter, Virginia and a few neighbors here and there. At least they have the option of leaving the situation. Lucky devils!
Funny how "home" doesn't feel like that after a years absence. Still wish the guy whose life I'm living would show up to take it back and give me back mine =)
Day 2
Survived the first evening but had forgotten just how much I dislike a TV in the bedroom. I'm trying to get some sleep but Scarlett has to watch some Gregg Laurie (what kind of last name is that anyway?) evangelical blah blah blah tell-all-you-know-about-the-good-news horse pucky. Uncomfortable mattress, uncomfortable night but I survived. Today's agenda for Scarlett's part seems to be more Hoovering but at least for the moment she's at the gym and out of my hair.
Wednesday, July 5, 2017
Back in the Fog
Came back to the Fog today for what I pray is a very short visit. Scarlett was there as was Mole. Have not unpacked a thing as it is my fervent prayer that Scarlett tires of this facade and orders me, for time #3 away from Tara and then I may return to my former campsite. To accomplish this task in the shortest amount of time possible I would need to either contact my father to bring his trusty white steed or perhaps Hinges and her black stallion. Though either option would not be looked upon kindly by Miss Scarlett.
Tomorrow I meet with the Shah to inform him of my move and 2 days hence from that, a mutual meeting with Irving. Irving truly makes your standard issue box of rocks look absolutely brilliant.
Poor Scarlett is just beside herself seeing that I have yet to unpack any of my belongings. Oh dear, what is a PD person to do? No rants or rages yet. But I know they are there.
Tomorrow I meet with the Shah to inform him of my move and 2 days hence from that, a mutual meeting with Irving. Irving truly makes your standard issue box of rocks look absolutely brilliant.
Poor Scarlett is just beside herself seeing that I have yet to unpack any of my belongings. Oh dear, what is a PD person to do? No rants or rages yet. But I know they are there.
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